20 Years... Is This Forever... Positive Intensions Pretty Please? Stuggling!

I have always felt different, my mum says when I was a baby i never cried, I just looked serious all the time... My first memory is when i was 11mnth old at christmas, i tried to open my xmas craacker to see what was inside but couldnt, so i swapped it with my mums so i didnt get in trouble!

I have always felt scared. I could never look in mirrors because i was convinced there was an entity staring back at me.

I have always had apocaliptic dreams, recurring from the age of 6.

I was brought up as a baptist but am terrified of churches, always have been from the 1st moment. I spent my 1st 12 years praying on my knees (even in the car) that nothing bad would happen.

when my youngest sister was born my mum developed post natal depression which turned in to clinical depression, then bi-polar... she is still struggling now, just out of hospital after being admitted in january this year (2012) both times she had an abundance of ECT. I remeber both times, how it canged her, it hurts, I want my mum! I dont agree with ECT on such a severe level i dont believe it lets the patient overcome their difficulties. It simply numbs and makes them forget... She even forgot she had kids!

I was bullied pretty badly all the way through school... at first because of my wierd praying and fear of everthing... then at 12 I rebelled big time!

I met a set of "friends" who in hindsight abused me from day one.

After one year in high school I was transferred to the young peoples unit (which is a psychiactric unit for under 18's) I was a day patient at first then became so ill I was admitted for two/ three years on and off... Iv never been happy.

My first happy memory is when i took my first E at 12 years old, so undoubtably, i turned to drugs for escape. I took ALOT of drugs, anything I could get my hands on. I even stole a bottle of methadone from an addicts house in hope of numbing the pain and possibly ODing.

I got my first flat in a horrible high rise block at 16 but it only lasted a few months. I didnt eat, I just took drugs. I ended up getting stabbed in the head with a chisel, right down the forehead... My biggest regret from that is that my youngest sister saw me there in the hospital with a 1inch wide, 1 &1/2 inch lengh wound on my head and I was going MENTAL! that is defo a scar that will never go away! now it looks a bit like a bum lol!

Every relationship I have been in I have been abused.(by more than one person on various occasions thoughout my teeneage years) Sexually, menatlly, locked up, force fed drugs, tortured... but till very recently I never saw that as abuse and when the Young peoples unit eventually got me back I would cry for weeks for these eveil people who had convinced me that without them I am nothing, worthless, nobody cares!

I always had this feeling though that things would be ok one day...

My diagnosis at 1st was bi-polar, then clinnical, then bi-polar again, then now its bi-polar and borderline personality disorder (I am now 25 but my doctors are awful i dont get ANY support)

I ran away to glasgow after suffering a misscarrige. I was held at gunpoint while my face was smashed in with an ashtray, they broke my jaw, my cheekbone, and I had to wear braces for 3 weeks because they had smashed my teeth out of line. I lost my twins (Keiran & Connor) I was only 4 months but it still hurt!

I left everything and ran. all my worldly possessions, and became homeless for two years.

Now I have a good life, i live with an amazing bf (of four years) who has supported me through SO much. suicide attempts, jumping out of windows, putting my head through windows, beating myself black and blue.
Why cant I just follow what I preach and understand. I do believe that if all this never happened then i would not be who I am. And i do believe it is an experience my higher self chose to have. I just need to learn. to choose the right path, to be grateful and know that everything in abundance is mine already I just need to follow the signs.

I just wish i didnt feel sad all the time. I put on a face so so well, its practiced! I seem like the most bubbly, happy confident person but inside i am only half there. I dont know who I am.

I do meditate. I am thankfull, I am a very loving person, I have always put others first.

Would anybody mind sending some positive energy my way to help me through and help me connect with my higher self?

I am so tired of feeling low.

Sorry this is so long. Im happy to answer any questions if u have any lol!

Much love,

Namaste xx
deborahmichelle deborahmichelle
22-25, F
4 Responses Aug 1, 2012

sounds you have gone through a lot and had a bad day when you were writing this. I can see your clever than you think. I know you can come out of all this.

Write a positive list happened to you life.

Lots of your life sounds very similar to mine when I was your age except for the miscarriage'''depression not only hurts us but the people we love...I have been battling it now for over fifty years, have been through numerous girlfriends, two marriages and have three stepdaughter and biological daughter who don't speak to me...but happiness is an inside job as I have recently learned from having to have a pacemaker implant....also you Brits are to uptight about everything...just go somewhere private where no one can see you and heard you and just laugh and continue..also being Baptist is a hell of a lot of should nots, but have read my Bible and more happy and should do's than what they taught in church........girl, quiet yourself, take a deep breath and think of something that you know is funny and laugh...laughter is the best medicine so find it...here for you are looking forward to knowing more about you and your boyfriend...Steven

Hi steven, thanks for your response :) Firstly, im not the typical brit lol! Id like to explain a little, i wrote this when i was having a really bad day, it was a vent for me and made me feel a bit better just getting it off my chest... I love EP for that it has helped me a lot... if you read some of my poems etc they are mostly pretty positive :)

I meditate regularly, I am actually thankful for every experience i have had because it has shaped me in to the person I am, and has given me insight, knowledge, compassion and understanding for a lot of situations that most people my age dont have a clue about... Im determined to use my experiences for the greater good and help people who may be struggling with the same kind of issues I faced :)

I am mega laid back believe it or not, and i know that my condition is with me for life, i just need to find ways of coping with it. meditation and yoga helps alot... and i love learning, im starting a degree in social sciences in october so I am really trying to move forward positively with my life and also my boyfriend, i couldnt ask for better, i would go as far to say as this boy saved my life!!

Much love Debs x

Just saw this after my note. Nice to see your meditating- what kind of meditation you do ?

Best of luck

What a touching story.<br />
I'm happy for you - that after such a difficult life you found a boyfriend who loves you and supports you.

thank you so much... sending lots of positive energy &lt;3 much love

Dear dear girl,<br />
<br />
You should read my story. Its not as terrible as yours, but I did battle depression and bullying and abuse my entire life, and I always found myself in groups of horrible abusive scum who used me for ***** and giggles, and I stuck around because I thought I was finally cool. They would always turn on me and there would always be some group mock trial in which everyone had to declare I was ****. What I didn't understand was that they were even more ****** than I was. There is so much pain and abuse and bullshit in this world. I did mountains of drugs and half lived in the street. At my worst I was forty pounds thinner than I am now, shooting five to seven speed-balls a day. I was a sorry piece of ****, nobody wanted me around.I'd get shooed out of coffe-shops and stairwells. One morning I Od'd on cocaine and couldn't get my heart to stop jack-hammering in my chest- I thought "Now you've gone and done it." I found out though, that maybe I did want to live. That was twelve years ago. I'm writing you from the third floor of my house. I have a career, not a job, and my wife is finally expecting and I think it'll work this time. People from my past who see me look spooked, as if I've risen from the dead. As in "how could he possibly look so healthy, so self assured?" I worked with myself, and others, and I never gave up. I give this lecture to every homeless person I meet. I ask them "Are you clean"? and then I tell them I was a junkie crack-head for two years. They hardly believe it, I look so respectable now. But it true. Please don't give up on yourself. Take it day by day, step by step. Your writing here is a very positive sign. Don't give up!

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me... I do the same to homeless people sitting on the street, iv been there, i know what its like. I hate (but see how easily it is) miss-judgements on these poor people. Nobody seems to give a thought to how they got in that situation.

I am so happy for you!! *hugs* congrats on your lil bump I really hope everything works out for you &lt;3 All I have ever wanted to be is a mum but i dont feel like its right to bring a child in to the world when i have problems of my own which could potentially affect them if i dont sort it out!

I do try and be positive, every day, and i do believe that one day everything will be ok! Id love to write a book or start a business with peronalised craft or poems &amp; cupcakes but i dont know where to start and i dont know hoe to make it original.

I hate feeling so low all the time lol but i do get some respite through helping people on this and hoping my advice helps someone get through another day.

Your story is truely inspiring, i aspire to be in your position one day :)

Namaste my friend :)