20 Years... Is This Forever... Positive Intensions Pretty Please? Stuggling!I have always felt different, my mum says when I was a baby i never cried, I just looked serious all the time... My first memory is when i was 11mnth old at christmas, i tried to open my xmas craacker to see what was inside but couldnt, so i swapped it with my mums so i didnt get in trouble!
I have always felt scared. I could never look in mirrors because i was convinced there was an entity staring back at me.
I have always had apocaliptic dreams, recurring from the age of 6.
I was brought up as a baptist but am terrified of churches, always have been from the 1st moment. I spent my 1st 12 years praying on my knees (even in the car) that nothing bad would happen.
when my youngest sister was born my mum developed post natal depression which turned in to clinical depression, then bi-polar... she is still struggling now, just out of hospital after being admitted in january this year (2012) both times she had an abundance of ECT. I remeber both times, how it canged her, it hurts, I want my mum! I dont agree with ECT on such a severe level i dont believe it lets the patient overcome their difficulties. It simply numbs and makes them forget... She even forgot she had kids!
I was bullied pretty badly all the way through school... at first because of my wierd praying and fear of everthing... then at 12 I rebelled big time!
I met a set of "friends" who in hindsight abused me from day one.
After one year in high school I was transferred to the young peoples unit (which is a psychiactric unit for under 18's) I was a day patient at first then became so ill I was admitted for two/ three years on and off... Iv never been happy.
My first happy memory is when i took my first E at 12 years old, so undoubtably, i turned to drugs for escape. I took ALOT of drugs, anything I could get my hands on. I even stole a bottle of methadone from an addicts house in hope of numbing the pain and possibly ODing.
I got my first flat in a horrible high rise block at 16 but it only lasted a few months. I didnt eat, I just took drugs. I ended up getting stabbed in the head with a chisel, right down the forehead... My biggest regret from that is that my youngest sister saw me there in the hospital with a 1inch wide, 1 &1/2 inch lengh wound on my head and I was going MENTAL! that is defo a scar that will never go away! now it looks a bit like a bum lol!
Every relationship I have been in I have been abused.(by more than one person on various occasions thoughout my teeneage years) Sexually, menatlly, locked up, force fed drugs, tortured... but till very recently I never saw that as abuse and when the Young peoples unit eventually got me back I would cry for weeks for these eveil people who had convinced me that without them I am nothing, worthless, nobody cares!
I always had this feeling though that things would be ok one day...
My diagnosis at 1st was bi-polar, then clinnical, then bi-polar again, then now its bi-polar and borderline personality disorder (I am now 25 but my doctors are awful i dont get ANY support)
I ran away to glasgow after suffering a misscarrige. I was held at gunpoint while my face was smashed in with an ashtray, they broke my jaw, my cheekbone, and I had to wear braces for 3 weeks because they had smashed my teeth out of line. I lost my twins (Keiran & Connor) I was only 4 months but it still hurt!
I left everything and ran. all my worldly possessions, and became homeless for two years.
Now I have a good life, i live with an amazing bf (of four years) who has supported me through SO much. suicide attempts, jumping out of windows, putting my head through windows, beating myself black and blue.
Why cant I just follow what I preach and understand. I do believe that if all this never happened then i would not be who I am. And i do believe it is an experience my higher self chose to have. I just need to learn. to choose the right path, to be grateful and know that everything in abundance is mine already I just need to follow the signs.
I just wish i didnt feel sad all the time. I put on a face so so well, its practiced! I seem like the most bubbly, happy confident person but inside i am only half there. I dont know who I am.
I do meditate. I am thankfull, I am a very loving person, I have always put others first.
Would anybody mind sending some positive energy my way to help me through and help me connect with my higher self?
I am so tired of feeling low.
Sorry this is so long. Im happy to answer any questions if u have any lol!
deborahmichelle 22-25, F 5 Responses 1 Aug 1, 2012