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The Flip Side

Explain to me what goes through your mind. How the you of yesterday is so hard to find.

 

Explain to me why that assured, enthusiastic light went out and a void of emotion filled it's place.

Explain to me why my words fall on deafened ears, do you see me? Do you hear me and am I still someone who matters to you?

Explain to me how I can help you find the person you were yesterday, re energize and give you hope once again. How do I open a window and let in the sun light and fresh air into a dark, stale and tired soul?

Do you still know I care? I extend my hand and feel withdrawal in return. I give my heart fully and receive emptiness in return.

Lord, help me know, feel, understand where it is you go, to be able to help you see through the cross wired, malfunctioning, confused state you slip into.

Please see me, know you are not alone. see my hand and my heart, know my frustration in trying to reach you. Please explain how I can help us remain a we.

grams grams 56-60, F 9 Responses Jun 23, 2008

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midnight, I know what you mean about people, even people who we love and know love you, My friend has someone very close to him that tells to more of less shake it off, be strong, snap out of it.... he is bi polar and he has been here for over a year and I see, know what he goes through, it is definitely not fun, not a feeling one would desire. I feel bad for him, because this kind of advice makes him feel bad about himself and questions his condition. I feel his pain in the feeling of loosing himself. I'm so glad you have your daughter and friend to keep you going, we all need to be reminded that we are not alone and we have many people that love and need us. Thank you for your comment and remain strong.

There was a time in my own struggle with depression that the only thing that kept me from attempting suicide is the fact that my best friend (who also battles depression) told me that if I died, she'd kill herself. So if I killed myself, I would be in effect killing her. I recognized that living for someone else wasn't optimal, but it was better than not living at all.<br />
So I hung on, and after a while I managed to find a way to live for myself.<br />
I have had people (particularly an aunt of mine) act as if depression is something you can just shake off, like a bad mood. I like to find ways to describe things (I'm a writer, after all) so I put some thought into describing depression to people who don't understand. Here it is:<br />
You know how you have a filter on your email to keep spam out? Well, in depression, the brain has a filter, but it's qualification of "spam" is "anything positive". In depression, if you CAN see anything positive, that filter puts a negative slant on it. MY depression has tried to slant my daughter's love for me into "she'd be better off without me"<br />
Then luckily, she started coming into my room and jumping onto my bed with a noisy "wake up, mommy!" After that, any time I would start thinking about death again, I would picture myself lying dead with her little hands on my shoulder, pushing at me and saying "wake up, mommy!" It would always bring me close to tears. So I don't think about death anymore. Of course, being medicated helps

Thanks and I will not forget your advice, I know it's true too. Some times it is hard to not get frustrated though, I guess it is only human, but I will never give up, It is a friend I speak about and in his own way he has given me a life line in other ways. No matter what the ties are we after all are here to help and care for one another. <br />
Best of Luck to you and your wife forceofnature, I see, I feel , the struggle with depression and will always be there with that life line, for my friend.

It's odd, but my husband and I both go through depression. Mountainmans term "stinkin' thinkin'" is SO appropriate. It in itself is survival!<br />
We, my spouse and I, seems to take turns at travelling down this road, and each has learned that though the other reaches, we may not be accepted, but it is ALWAYS appreciated. It DOES seep through the fog of darknes. Keep that in mind Grams! Never stop reaching. Never stop loving. Not only for who you used to be together, but for the one your reaching too. <br />
You may not realize what your doing is throwing a life preserver to the desparately lost and drowning!

Thank you for your kind comment MnM, I couldn't even imagine the difficulty with the two parties going through that dark tunnel called depression. communication and understanding that for a short time just being there is all we can do to help. I have to keep telling myself it's not all about me...and give him the space he needs to get through these bouts. I hope you two will find your way through these times, my best to you both.

This nite, Your story strikes all too close to home for me. I have Clinical cyclic Depression s well as PTSD. It has very nearly taken my life on several occasions. Over the years I have developed a set of survival tools and have wonderful people to reach out and touch me on occasion or if needs be kick my *** into gear. Lol<br />
Now I am very close to someone simularly affected and find that feeling rejected is harder for me to take because of our relationship. <br />
I have learned to know when I am not doing my best thinking and to call on those I trust to rescue me from my stinkin thinkin. This is an invaluable skill/tool. But almost impossible to teach. Your comment getting lost in the miscommunication leaves footprints on my ole heart this nite. You are a good woman and full of rare understanding. I wish you both well. <br />
Honesty like this is rare and refreshing... Great post thanx<br />
MnM

Marji, to understand that and not take it as a personal rejection is so important. I think couples get so lost in the miscommunication that it at times costs them their relationships. Being open and honest is the only way to survive depression and that is still a struggle..

Thanks, It is hard to watch someone you care for go through depression. It's important to keep in mind that it is not personal and it is something that can be best helped by just letting them know you are there for them.

This is beautiful....