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Never Gets Better

once upon a time, there was a boy who grew up in LA. his dad took off when he was born so he had the pleasure of having abusive stepdads throughout his life (ended up getting 6) that kick the **** out of him because thats just what they did. His mom always took the side of her boyfriend over her own flesh and blood because...thats what she does. there was so much violence at home he would never make a single friend until high school. while all the other kids ran and played, he would just sit in the restroom to cry why his life is so horrible and contemplate how he would end his life that day. he has committed suicide countless times during elementary and the only reason that he is still alive is luck. one time he jumped off a 2 story building thinking its high enough when he was 7. he wouldve died if it wasnt for a bystander there. one time he grabbed a kitchen knife and plunged it into his lower stomach. he wouldve died if his mom didnt come back because she forgot her cell. this little kid tried taking his own life many times and survived because of luck. he managed to make friends in high school. high school was the only graceful period life would give him. after that, it got worse...how worse? the 5th stepdad sucked his mom financially dry. they had to move to an apartment and she quickly married another loser. this loser ended up punching her in the face jn front of customers. since he didnt have his greencard yet, he went to prison awaiting deportatiom. the mom ignored the son and her business and spent everything trying to get him out when she sent him there in the first place. the kid (now a young adult) would end up selling drugs in order to keep a roof over his head and his mom but not without taking xanex for 2 years to forget this time of hell. it didnt work. she ends up being successful and freeing the loser but not without making a deal with the son. trade his testimony for a good character for the loser for the moms car. why? cause they want to make a new life without the son. when they are ready to leave, they come to his work and take the car away and say "good luck with this". what a nice way of saying goodbye to her son. thats the last time he ever saw her. he jumps from house to house, unable to keep a job due to moving around and unable to stay for a while at a friends due to the economy failure. this would go on for 3 years. he never had money. suicide came back. he curses everything. he put family first and yet family is the reason for his hell. then came this girl. she came froma rich family and they really liked each other. after a few months, they move in together. then she starts showing her other side. the side where she routinely beats him up, kicks him in the face and throwin stuff at his face because.. thats what she does. girls never give a **** about anything so should she. he works everyday. comes home to clean everything while the girl stays home and plays games and loves to abuse, humiliate and use him. she blames him for her having no social life. she blames him for getting fat. she blames him that hes emotionless because of all the abuse in his life. she wont let him talk to any one and yet she loves to go clubbing and crave attention from other men. she says things to him that are mind blowing. things others cant even imagine coming out of a girls mouth. he wants to end it, but where can he go. he envied everyone else because they all have the luxury of having family. he cant even remember his friends due to the routine of goin to work and coming home to hell. yea, he can end this stupid relationship and leave anytime but whats the point? why go through the hassle of taking on more stress that includes solitude? whats the point of his life? his cried so much. why should he even bother to keep living and keep struggling? suicide is the only thing that keeps this kid driving. but how can something so terrible motivate someone to keep enduring?.. so he can get it right this time. he wants to do it where no one can intervene. where luck cannot come and save him. the only thing he has ever felt is pain inside his heart, soul and mind. suicide isnt just a solution. its more than that. its the only way. it never gets better. in the end, it never did and it never will. As i write this and reflect on my past... i hope that in the next life that i can at least have some one that truly cares. girlfriend, sibling, cousin, friend.... someone.. anyone. i know what i have to do. i have always had my solution and as i figure out how i should end it all.. i hope and cross my fingers and toes that it gets better in the next life cause this life never did.
mypersonalhell mypersonalhell 22-25, M 2 Responses Aug 17, 2012

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There are times when happiness-love shines through. Hopefully, it will bring the peace of mind that allows us to grow and deal with life.

:( don't hurt yourself...I didn't