I Battle Depression
Sometimes I am asked what depression is like. Most people know what it feels like to be down in the dumps or hurt, but that is not really what depression is. You see, when you are down because you just lost out on that promotion or maybe you had a tough week, it's called life. It's the normal stresses of life. Depression is different. Picture waking up one day and feeling like you were let down once again. You went to bed the night before and prayed to all the Gods and deities in the heavens to please let you die in your sleep, but here you are again, alive. Imagine waking up and feeling like all you want to do is lay in bed and cry because the thought of stumbling through another day is just so hard to imagine. You see the sun shining and people are smiling and busy with their lives and families, but you have no desire to exist- at all. You lost all hope. You lost every ounce of your self worth. All you can think about is how worthless you are and how lucky everyone else is. All you see when you look in the mirror is a failure and an ugly, ugly person. You know that every day is going to be the same. And you are lonely. Everyone you ever loved abandoned you because they didn't understand. You want to die but you don't have the courage to do it. You want to know the secret to a happy life but you know deep down you don't deserve it anyway. You're useless. Then imagine every unkind thing anyone has ever said to you, ever, every awful thing that was ever done to you , ever - and these memories are running in your head over and over like a tape that is stuck. A tape you can't turn off. You try to change your thoughts but everything around you reminds you of what a failure you are and that everyone was right, you are useless. Now try to get up and do something, anything and feel good about yourself. You can't, you try but you can't. You feel you failed at everything you ever did. You feel nothing you ever do is good enough.You feel like everyone is better than you and smarter and better looking and more talented and - just better in every way. You manage to look in the mirror and what you see scares you. It's your face but it isn't. Your eyes are hollow and lifeless. There is no spark in them, no sign of who you once were. The light that was once inside you that shone so brightly has been extinguished. There is nothing there but a shell of a person. Empty emotionless eyes, a tired face because your depression keeps you away at night. Frown lines from worrying. Anxiety usually accompanies depression. You worry, you worry about everything. Socializing worries you. What if you can't hide your pain?
That pain you feel is not physical but it hurt as much any physical pain. It is unbearable because there is no relief. That pain of emptiness eats away at you like a disease. And it is a disease in a way. It eats away at your self esteem and happiness until there is nothing left but going through the motions. That's when you realize, is it worth it? Is going through the motions and pretending to be alive worth it? You just want it to stop. You want it all to end and no one would miss you anyway,you convinced yourself of that.
That's depression. It doesn't go away in a few days or weeks. It lasts until you get treatment. It will destroy you if you don't seek help. It will eat up chunks of your life that you can never get back. Depression is serious. Don't let it take away the only life you will ever have.
That pain you feel is not physical but it hurt as much any physical pain. It is unbearable because there is no relief. That pain of emptiness eats away at you like a disease. And it is a disease in a way. It eats away at your self esteem and happiness until there is nothing left but going through the motions. That's when you realize, is it worth it? Is going through the motions and pretending to be alive worth it? You just want it to stop. You want it all to end and no one would miss you anyway,you convinced yourself of that.
That's depression. It doesn't go away in a few days or weeks. It lasts until you get treatment. It will destroy you if you don't seek help. It will eat up chunks of your life that you can never get back. Depression is serious. Don't let it take away the only life you will ever have.
By:
KittenHasaWhip
Age:
46-50
,
Female
32
responses
