Difficult Situation

I dislike my life. It's impossible to change the circumstances. Really. I can't stop living in the past and wish I had made different decisions. I wish I had someone to understand that I regret and disliked the way I was, even at the time. I feel that I have no chance of meeting someone who I can have a relationship with and it's the one thing I want. To be honest the one I want has left me and doesn't trust me. It was 3 years ago.
I let them down. I had an addiction which I have challenged and overcome. I just have a lot of alone time to think about it now.
I think perhaps I have my reward of a crap life. I always saw myself as someone who tried to choose the right thing, but had no where to turn to for issues I had. Since, I have had help, but emotionally I am not doing well. I keep myself to myself and don't let people in. I hate my life because people judge me without knowing my heart. (Even though that heart right now is screaming at them). I can't change peoples thinking.
It hurts and I guess I don't know what's round the corner. I'm just dealing with life that is in such a mess, how I could never dream it to be. I was always a happy person. However, I hid my upset person. Now I find it hard to hide my hurt.