Bargaining With Myself

I used to blame the death of my first girlfriend, nigh on six years ago now, for my depression, but I know, mostly through conversations with my family, that it's been there a lot longer than that.

I have been diagnosed with mild depression, but I've always been very good at hiding my emotions, so I suspect it's worse than "mild."

My brain functions in such a way that if it ever fully committed to suicide, there would be nothing stopping me from the physical act, so I've been reduced to bargaining with myself.

(If you're familiar with Homer's Odessy, this will make more sense.)

My latest bargain is to promise myself that I'm going to finish my novel, and see it published, before I off my myself. Normally my bargians end with "before I think about offing myself" but it's been getting worse, so I made a mistake.

I'm trying to finish the book regardless, but I've been having dreams of someone, more often than not my mother, sneaking onto my computer, and unweaving the story a little bit at a time.

My brain will hold me to this bargain, as it has held me to the others, and I have no intentions of betraying it. I'm not even afraid of the end. What does frighten me is how outgoing I'll have to act to get this beast of a novel published, once I finish writing it, and the effect my death will have on others.

I've been writing it nigh on seven years, and it's due time it was finished. I've made more progress in the past year than all other years combined.

I figure it's better to go at a time of success than a time of failure. (Cory Doctorow's Down And Out In The Magic Kingdom)
mononoaware mononoaware
26-30, M
Sep 16, 2012