Just When You Think You Have It Under Control...

I have spent years trying to keep the feeling of low self worth at bay...years were spent gaining and loosing weight as a reflection of my mental health.....but oddly enough I have emerged a strong women...once I had some experiences under my belt and felt capable I moved to NYC by myself(no job, apt or money and few friends) and had to feel all that came with starting over alone at 24...it all came crashing down...gained 20lbs and never felt worse.....then I managed to land a job and be around women who were also working on loosing weight and I managed to loose all but the last few....4 years later here I am right back in that place....I lost my job 3months ago and it took much longer than I ever thought to land a new one....as the weeks went by so did my ability to hold on to my faith and strength in myself....I also was a newlywed married to someone who is not a citizen but legally here to work....he has his own issues....he then needs major back surgery from playing sports....goes on disability...I am the only one with a paycheck.....then he looses his job 3 weeks after I loose mine....the world came crashing down...the stress of being the only one with a savings, unemployment and any leads.  I have now been offered a great job at a major fashion house and things are looking up in that department...but the husband...nothing seems to be opening up....we are out of money....now I am the only one with money coming in....he is still in recovery from his back surgery.....he isn't putting the energy I feel he needs to  in finding a job....he is feeling defeated, worthless and going through a painful recovery...I am his rock, his only strength...If I loose it we all going falling down....he eats horribly and as a result of the back injury and treatment he has gained 60lbs.....I end up giving in to his temptations of cookies and ice cream....loose all desire to keep going to the gym....I gain weight and blame him for bringing it into the house...I'm beginning to loose hope in us as a couple...I have feelings of wanting to get out...I don't think I can do this for two people...I have only had to do it for myself and that is hard enough....he doesn't want to go home back to Scotland to work and separate for a while but I think he should so he can work.....I'm not getting what I need....I work hard to stay on top of my game and since I have been with him my life has been falling down around me....his bad luck has rubbed off on my.....now I'm angry with him...angry that I'm not getting the life he promised me....I'm feeling very depressed....trapped in this life....I love him but I'm not capable of taking care of us both emotionally and financially.....he is such a good man and he is battling is own depression...I know that and I can't blame him....but I need help! today I have had it...he has been in bed all week....feeling sick from his pain meds and his back pain is back...I'm tired of it all.  I work so hard to make our situation better....take care of the house....pay for him to drink his fav soda because it makes him feel better when all I want to do is scream because I know how bad it is for him and he has promised to stop!
I feel lost and sad and so down....I feel like I made the wrong choice.....
Brooklynlady Brooklynlady
31-35, F
2 Responses May 6, 2007

I agree that you should leave, two depressed people do not make a mentally healthy person. You are bad for each others health emotionally, mentally, and physically. It will be hard to break it off but throw yourself in to your work and try doing the "ABs diet" (look it up at google.com). This diet is very good and you don't starve. Start focusing on you and your needs. Let positive people surround you. It sounds like your husband wants a sugar Momma and for you to do all the work.I think he is milking it. You do what you have to do girl and good luck!

Here's what you need to do asap:<br />
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1) Leave this man. As painful as it seems it'll be less painful in the future. Be strong. Cut ANY connection with him, change the place.<br />
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2) Try not to eat all day long. Just drink water. You will see that it is not as hard as it seems and you will gain self-confidence. Do not smoke, do not take alcohol, do not do exercises just relax and drink a lot of water, go to open air. Do some stretching and let time pass. Then return to doing exercises and healthy eating.<br />
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Good luck