Truth

Something has been taken from deep inside of me, a secret I kept locked away, no one could ever see. Wounds so deep they never show, they never go away. Like moving pictures in my head, for years and years they've played. You took it all away, but never gave it back. Now this is what you see, there lies a yellow back. No mercy for my lost. No soothing for my said. So many lines you've crossed, now I'm the living dead. They say when you kill a man, you not only take away everything he was, but everything he will be.

Being alone isn't something I chose; it's something that happened. I've gone for too long living like I'm not alive. I cannot leave here and I cannot stay. I'm forever haunted, more than afraid. My life is like a fairy tale that nobody believes in, you can use my skin to bury secrets in. I can't afford to be misread one more time. I can't afford to be misled one more time. You abused your so called power, now you demand forgiveness. I'm told (with everything I do for you, the lease you can do is keep quiet.) There's a saying (the truth will set you free.) If I'm never permitted to speak the truth, then I will never be set free. For over 20 years my life has remained still shackled chained and anchored by the deliberant abusive attacks of the people who I Had been manipulated to trust. They've made attacks on my life because of my differences, because of their ignorant train of thought toward my differences, to be selfish, to be hateful, to be spiteful, to break my confident's my spirit and my willed. Making it impossible for me to make conscious appropriate decisions for my life, this causes me to become vulnerable, open to physical and emotional harm, causing me to become psychologically weaken, unable to resist failure, open to attacks, exposed to possible damage in every area of my life. This makes it impossible for me to be able to move forward in life, to make any authentic genuine original progress.

I am pressured to pretend, pressured to hide the truth of every deliberate attack that has taken place within my life. I'm also pressured to tolerate the harsh judgments that are passed, based on the misunderstandings and after math of each accumulated abusive actions of the people who have chosen to disregard my life. Every time I've tried to explain what is happening in each current moment, no matter whom I've spoken to, they have all given me the exact same response. They choose to view my words as something irrelevant, they're actions diminish my freedom to speak, to complete a sentence or fully express a thought; they talk over me, against me, through me, down to me, around me and under me, but they never talk to me. They patronize me by saying (you're just dwelling in the pass), without knowing what it is they are referring to as the pass. Without knowing what I'm attempting to say, they respond to every word I speak instead of every sentence i would have spoke had I been given the chance. They patronize me by treating me as if I'm less intelligent than they are, by telling themselves that I am less intelligent than they are, they have chosen to think less of me, because it's easier for them to except the lies that they tell themselves, to purposely avoid the truth, because not one of them wants the responsibilities that comes with excepting the truth.

For over 20 years I have been abused, neglected and ignored while being fully aware and conscious of everything that is happening to my life, but I have been made powerless to stop. For over 20 years I have been pressured forced and made to hide mask and live in silence of every negative and abusive moment of my existence. I have never been permitted to resolve any of the issues that have accumulated in my life when they were fresh. The people who have chosen to disregard my life, what they fail to realize is that, any issue regardless of how long ago or how current it may be, will remain until someone put forth an effort to resolve it. I'm made to feel guilt and shame for the issues that have become obvious to everyone and impossible for everyone to ignore. I'm made to feel guilt and shame for it being obvious for others to see that I'm in pain, that I'm afraid, that i have become angered and that my life is still suffering after so long.

One of the most commend things that has been said to me from the age of eight, which is the first time I spoke out about the abuse, to this very day is, (you're not my responsibility.) One thing I have learnt in life is that pain doesn't go away; all you can do is make room for it. But if you are a person who's in my situation, who's constantly being abused and the people who surround me have no concern that they are hurting me, where am I to store all the pain? My life is like a litter box, people **** on me, then pressure me to cover it up. But what they fail to realize is that, there's no more room in this box. So when somebody decide to take a fresh dump then pressure me to cover it up, the old **** gets dug up, then they pressure me to recover the old ****, but then the new **** gets dug up, then I'm pressured to recover the new ****, but the old **** just resurface again, and as the **** starts to fall over on to the floor, I'm told to clean the **** up, put it back in the box and leave it alone.

Now after everything that has taken place in my life, the people who hurt me and those who witnessed me being hurt but wear to big of a coward to say something in my defense, they have all chosen to become delusional to their actions. making me everything they need me to be, so that their judgments toward me seem fair. Sometimes I forget to forget. "I'm sorry." I don't mean to remember.

Art of Dwight Graham 02/14/12, 09/21/12 a.k.a. Littleboymakebelieve
Littleboymakebelieve Littleboymakebelieve
26-30, M
2 Responses Sep 21, 2012

"They choose to view my words as something irrelevant, they're actions diminish my freedom to speak, to complete a sentence or fully express a thought; they talk over me, against me, through me, down to me, around me and under me, but they never talk to me."
i really am feeling you on that one.. thats how people do me...

this is a real deep profound story... from what i've read.. you obviously have been f#ck'd over alot.. i can feel that.. and people dont accpet you for who you are which isolates you.. yeah, and its a pain being alone or no one understanding you.. i get the feeling of being disregarded cuz folks dont always want to deal with other peoples sh#t. *sigh everyone's on that individualistic agenda, that they dont wanna be bothered. whereas u got people like me who like to reach out to people..cant make miracle but at least make'em feel better, cuz i can relate, if not empathize with'em.