I looked at the bottle of pills again this morning. I don't know if I was really going to open it and take a bunch. I just felt the need to take the bottle out of the bathroom drawer and hold it in my hand for a minute, staring at the tiny pills through the orange plastic container while tears blurred my vision. It's a bottle full of prescription muscle relaxers. I've often thought that I could just take them all and be done.

I think of what my family would have to go through if I did that. I think about my best friend who has promised to "come look for me" if I ever did something like that. I think about how suicide is really a cowardly option and I put the bottle back in the drawer. I continue to cry. I look at the bloody spots on my legs and feel so much shame. I've been ripping the same scabs off of myself for the longest time.

All the days blend together. All the nights are the same. I think I probably need help, but I don't even know how to go about asking for it. I have the hardest time getting people to take me seriously when I say the word "depression." Last time I mentioned it to my mom she got sort of frustrated with me.

Of course, I hide it well. I'm very good at smiling when I'm around people. But then when I'm in my room, I can spend hours trapped in my own brain. I replay things that have happened in my life and I find myself constantly feeling bad for so many things.

I was diagnosed once but didn't take the medication. I started to take it but it didn't really agree with me. It was for the good ole depression/anxiety combo pack and it made me more anxious than I already was. It also made me feel emotionally numb. I stopped taking it, deciding that I would rather experience sadness than nothing at all.

But right now, it's sadness all the time. And it's exhausting.
sweaterhead sweaterhead
22-25, F
2 Responses Sep 21, 2012

somehow i feel the same way as what you are feeling right now. i also told my sister that i'm depressed but she didn't believe me its hard to not have someone to rely on at times like this but i want you to know you are not alone. i suggest you use your medication maybe the numbness can help you escape when it became unbearable. im fighting depression alone as well and i think you have a better chance of getting over it than i am.

You're not alone though. There are a whole bunch of people out there fighting depression too. If I can get through this, so can you.
Sorry your sister didn't believe you. That's really frustrating.
I remember when I was actually diagnosed with depression I told a couple of close friends about it and their reaction was "But you're not really depressed!" And my parents are always convinced that I need to just change my attitude and "not be so negative." It's not always that simple, as you know.
But all we can do is hang in there and hope things will get better, right?

good morning dear one, may i say please give the right medication another chance, and find a good therapist. Depression is real and the pain can and will become unbearable. and from your story, you are there. I have been there, did the pills was suppose to not wake up, but guess what I did...the experience was not a good one. Permanent solution to a temporary problem. yes it will pass, but help is there, find it...
if you need someone to talk to just hit me up.... God loves you and that in itself is enough!!

Thanks so much for your kind words. You're probably right about getting help. It's just feels like a scary step to take...

its actually not hard as you think, and hey those people are sworn to secrecy, so your "safe"....