Post

I Fell Trapped

I have been battling depression since I was at least 12 years old. When I turned 14, I was prescribed Zoloft and was almost admitted to the phyc floor of my local hospital because of a threat to kill myself I made to my psychologist. The Zoloft didn't help, the symptoms kept coming back but only stronger I didn't feel like myself anymore. I really don't know to this day, where my depression stems from. My mom and dad were not really around for me, and I was raised by my other family members mainly my aunt instead. However, I don't like using absentee parents as an excuse. At age 15, I stared experimenting with pot it gave me a feeling of being on clouds I did not even care about anything or anyone anymore. However, depression always was in the shadows no matter how much pot I smoked. When my high was over, I felt like I wanted to kill myself again. I stared to become angrier and more annoyed at everything. I lashed out at my family and my friends. I ran away from home twice. While I ran away, I smoked pot heavier, hung out, and had sexual relations with older men. I did not fell like myself at all I wanted more from life. I decided to have my doctor take me off the med since it did nothing for me and I was not re prescribed anything after that. While I ran away I was caught stealing from a local Walgreen but was released with no record. I felt as though I hit rock bottom. My family did not want me back in their house and do not blame them for it at all. Nevertheless, all the situations that I put myself in and all the circumstances that happened to me just made me even more depressed and it made me want to end my life even more. At age 15, my mother received custody of me. I knew that she had an alcohol problem but I felt as though she would be to drunk to even care about what I was doing.


I wanted to run free and do what ever I pleased. Instead, I was verbally and even physically abused by her. Soon after that last physical abuse incident my grandmother let me stay until my aunt received custody of me, which she still has until this day. I moved to Kentucky and was doing ok for year. But I don’t know what happened but I went right back to my ways. I stared lying to my aunt more I ran away to my boyfriends house, almost was pregnant. And the depression symptoms came rushing back to me once again now my last resort of staying with my aunt has vanished I disappointed her to no end. Now she dose not trust me or anything all because of my stupidity. Since I’ve been living in Kentucky I have been doing even harsher drugs than just pot. I’ve snorted Add, oxi’s, perkasets and inhaled duster. I still feel depressed and low I’ve tried to find the lord but I still have not fully understood it. I’ve burned all of my bridges and have no place to go after my aunt kicks me out in may I’m in my senior year of high school and have been having pretty good grades hopefully I will be attending Northern Kentucky University but have been stressed about how to pay for my college education. I want help I don’t want to go to college tagging along the same problems I’ve been battling for years.


I want to tell my aunt I’m battling depression again but I just don’t want her to think it’s just an accuse.


Tiara Tiara 16-18, F 2 Responses Dec 21, 2006

Your Response

Cancel

I too, had depression start @ young age. Bad chilhood did add to it a great deal. I was sexually abused for years, and turned to drugs and sex to escape the bad feelings. These things made me feel worse about myself, and then I would get even more depressed. Then wanted to escape w/sex and drugs more to feel better...etc.. It became an ongoing viscious cycle- a merry-go-round ride in hell, and I didn't know how to get off of it.<br />
But YEARS later I did. I hope you do too, much sooner than I did!<br />
<br />
I am SO sorry for your family problems. But you don't have to let these things mold you into who you are. <br />
<br />
I went to therapy to work thru feelings and learn to cope w/problems in a healthy way. I also went on meds,but it took trying many diff. ones until I found right combo, I went to AA meetings (I'd become a raging drunk and drug addict-it snuck up on me after riding the merry-go-round for so long). I then went to a non-denominational Christian church and developed a relationship w/God. I found his unconditional love.<br />
<br />
Basically what worked for me was Meds, a good therapist, being clean and sober, and having a strong faith in God, and letting go of the pain and anger I'd felt towards myself and others. I had to focus on where I wanted to be as a person, and then take steps to get to that point. <br />
<br />
It's not easy, nothing about depression is. You can learn what "tools" work for you to help manage it though. You do have what it takes to be a success at college, and have a future so much more wonderful than your past! I did it the hard way, but I'm here now. I'm really happy w/ who I am now and have a really good life. What happened to me as a kid is over, I hang on to only the good that finally came from it- You can do it too !!! I'll be praying for you! Best wishes!!

Hi,<br />
<br />
I hope things are working out for you.<br />
<br />
In reading your story I noticed that the focus of your comments is often "external" where you seem to be very concerned with being accepted and loved by your relatives and fear that your behavior is going to cause you to lose their support.<br />
<br />
I would say you need to ask yourself two questions regarding your behaviors;<br />
<br />
1) What are you getting out of this repeated behavior?<br />
On some level this behavior must be satisfying something for you.<br />
2) Is this approach working for you?<br />
Is this approach getting you where you want to be? Consciously or subconsciously.<br />
<br />
OK then. <br />
<br />
You may have to get used to the fact that you like may or may not like to be alone depending on your mood. In the end, physically we are all alone and locked inside our own heads. Get used to it.<br />
<br />
One of the most effective things that I ever paid someone $125 hour to tell me to do is:<br />
<br />
Get a big piece of paper. Roll it out and lay down on it. Get someone you love to draw your outline and then color it in with said folks thinking about the you that you want hem to know.<br />
<br />
Cut it out.<br />
<br />
Hang it in a place you can see it regularly.<br />
<br />
You are not small, you are big. See?<br />
<br />
I would like to tell you that it is all going to get much easier. But that would not be the truth.<br />
<br />
The best I can say personally is;<br />
<br />
"Your emotional is like a solar battery. You can use the energy stored there conservatively in a rationed it or use it liberally all at once. No matter which you choose the battery only recharges at a fixed rate" <br />
<br />
"Choose to expend your emotional energy on the things you can change, starting with yourself and not on the things you cannot change, like other people.<br />
<br />
Like the battery your emotional state takes time to recover from life experiences. <br />
<br />
Now if only I could follow this simple advice.