Some Days the Pull of the Darkness Is So-o-o- Strong!

Even old outlaws get the blues.

Some remembrances. some sadness, some days ... I am a well of sadness inside. Some days I forget  How to make me smile! I never thought I'd be lonely....

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zJH41uWVpo 

This kinda goes together right now.

Some days it's just too much effort to flap the wings,

We  once watched a Eagle dive in a few years ago, I wondered what was going through that old birds great predator mind and at what point he decided it was just too much trouble to turn those great wings once again and skim across the mountainside one more time. He has haunted my memories for such a long time. He went straight in to the huge rock and hit so hard feathers went everywhere, He kept his feet retracted and tucked and his wings swept back,

It was both horrible and beautiful. For a time I envied him. His courage, his beauty, his scream of defiance...even his death I have concluded he was just tired of being old, raggedy and in pain. Possibly he missed his mate? We'll never know. But he left a benchmark for me.. I'll not go quietly. They say animals don't do this but I know what I saw.

   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RSBWEjHDMH0 

 Old but appropriate. Jackson Brown.

Don't ride my wind , it is a hard wind today. But you are on my mind. So I share ! Do we all have this darkness or is madness unique and terminal?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-jCTp7c3Wg

 

Some-days, the lil pills cant put out the fire that burns inside, dark Sky's and bad memories are a outlaws legacy. ........

 I love my dark Angel but the one I miss the most brought sunshine, and smiles? Wonder where she's gone? Some days when the darkness is so strong , then , only, then ...I falter for a step or two..  But laughter comes from nowhere , somewhere deep inside and gives me back my pride!  Hope you enjoy hearing these two legends! Jackson Brown and Joan Baez Some days it's just too deep, but at least I'm not shallow...LoL http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hXI9kAVOYaI

Depression, Bi-polar, PTSD...... Madness by any other nameFlawed yet is this part of what makes me ..well me.unique. Do I see where other fear to tread or simply have the good sense not to go? I question so much? Answers are elusive and loneliness rides the winds of unanswered frustration.

I share this so if you are similarly afflicted, just maybe it will in some small way help you to know that the  pains of our lives which haunt us waking and asleep have a real and legitimate grip upon our lives. I take the drugs they prescribe , do they work?

Well I haven't slipped out of my harness and dived in yet ! But I dream of it from time to time ! It is not scary, it is a explosion of exuberance and defiance to a world where pain was my frequent companion.

Sometimes it's like watching a lightening storm where light fights with darkness for brief but epic moments. Beautiful, mysterious...Yet painful to experience on this level!

This kind of sharing is like taking your clothes off in front of strangers on a certain level, yet also reminiscent of  the eyes of a ******** I once watched , numb and in pain, sharing only because, it was less painful than the alternative.

I'm not sure how long I can stay on here , here today ??????????? All those pills and no relief in sight.

Looking back over this I don't know how long I'll leave it up??? it's so  f^&%$#@ dark and dark and that can be so contagious. Dark hungers old as time itself pull at me . Am I a product of my imaginings?

My friend called, she has sunshine and concern in her voice , but darkness haunts her soul too. So while I love the sunshine I must take care not expose her to this , It would drag her sweet gentle lil self into the swirling darkness.

Be kind to one another, Hug a dog if you can! Walk in the sunshine and dwell not on this dark path.

 If you can profit from my pain in any way, It is worth it  for me to share,

If it draws at you, flee and don't come back here!

I have this theory born of pain. I will share it with you and wish that those of you who have suicidal inclinations will in particular give me a little feedback. Does it seem right ? Flawed? Needs work. comments?

It seems to me that there is a enormous difference between "The Darkness" and "Oblivion".  

Oblivion is complete nothingness. To a person with suicidal inclinations this sounds pretty tempting. Hey No more pain sign me up when does the next bus leave. There is a small flaw in this concept. but it is a real logic stumbling block for me. depression is painful. but as long as you are in pain you are alive and as long as you are sick , you can get well.

However, what if suicide doesn't produce oblivion? Living things change , grow, get better get worse! Heres the deal , seems to me there is either oblivion when we die. Which pretty much blows the God deal out of the water. So-o-o "I" choose not to embrace this theorem.

This leaves some disturbing possibilities. We might just have to endure the depression and pain til the end of time and then maybe be forgiven and freed or maybe not! Damn that would just be Hell wouldn't it? Damn Lol  If you are prone to to depression or have ever considered yourself a tortured soul then let me ask you a question ok?

Just how lucky do you really feel?

Is it worth gambling the odds is there are more things that can go wrong with this concept of suicide that it would appear at first blush. And it is so permanent and ya can't change your mind should you decide you don't like it!

We actually require darkness / sleep to be healthy and the vast majority of physical healing takes place while asleep , so I feel confident that would be equally true for mental healing.  There is a old Judaeo / Christian saw that darkness is by necessity evil and light good but I don't subscribe to this, as they are both created to serve a good function.

Dx

For the lives I took forgive me, For the times I faultered , Forgive me, For letting me fly bless you...

For the wonderful friends you put into my life..praise you!

Mountainman923518 Mountainman923518
56-60, M
5 Responses May 11, 2007

...it's such a hard thing to deal with and not all fix-it's work. Sad really, how so many suffer without a cure in site. <br />
<br />
(((MnM)))

Your description of these feelings has touched a part of me that has been dormant for such a long time. I used to feel this when i was a teenager before i drowned it out with drugs/alcohol. that is the mysterious, haunting and profound side of this disease. I used to write poems about it. I think ppl like us live on a different level than others. We feel more, therefore we hurt more. You have inspired me to touch again that part of myself that i used to call "my moonlight melancholy" THANK YOU for reminding me that depression is not ALL bad. I am still alive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is a darkness that I have called friend for some time now. Being new to this forum you have assured me that I am in the right place. I thank you for your honesty and as the previous person commented, your darkness contains beauty and realism.

Beautifully Written! This person has a lot to say.

Well, this is beautiful - how can depression produce such beauty?