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Can't Get Past the Past

I grew up with a raging alcoholic father.  He was not physically abusive in anyway, but he acted like a completely different and obnoxious person when he was drunk. When I was small I would wait up with my mom at the window until around 2 in the morning, when he would finally come home from the bar.

I have always battled with my weight.  In school, I was teased and called names like Fat Albert and Miss Piggy.  I had very low self esteem and was very shy.  I was very good in school, but sometimes I would hate to go because of the teasing and name calling.

I never felt like I belonged in junior high or high school.  I tried to commit suicide when I was twelve, but the bottle of pills I took were an acne medicine and all it did was make me break out in hives.  I spent most of those years in my room, up against my bed, crying to music and writing lyrics that explained how I felt.  I was like a dork trying to be cool, and I went all punk/gothic, most likely making myself look like a fool.  I began cutting myself when I was 16.  My senior year I transferred to another high school after being encouraged to do so by my great coworkers at Mc Donald's.  I continued on to college.  I met my first husband when I was 19.  He was my first real boyfriend.  I met him at the carwash (he worked there).  He spoke no English and never bothered to learn in the 7 years we were together.  He, too, was an alcoholic. I never knew when he would be drunk, when he would actually go to work, or if he would even come home.  My cutting was an eveeryday thing at that time.  I found out after we were separated he had a huge drug problem that all the people in our neighborhood knew about.  We separated a little over a year after our daughter was born because I didn't want her to grow up like I did.

I started working as a teacher a few months following our separation.  I almost had (or may have had) a nervous breakdown my first year.

I became addicted to meth in 1990 and used for many years originally for weight loss, but I have been clean since 1999.  That is when I met my current husband.  Shortly after we met, he went to prison for five and a half years for violating probation.  He had served time in jail  for an attempted murder and then had to do his full sentence in prison after violating probation.  We got married in the prison in 2002.  While he was away, it was the first time I did not have a man telling me what to do - my dad, my ex, nobody.  I began a consistent exercise program and watched what I ate.  I lost 50 pounds and kept it off for almost two years - until he came home.  Since then I have gained it all back plus twenty more.  Everyone says I am still so pretty, but I feel disgusting.

I had been handing my depression well for a while, then two weeks ago I suddenly went into a depression similar to when I was in school.  I seriously wanted to die and figured if I took all the meds I had on hand, that would do the trick.  Luckily, I got help.  I am going to a depression group now, and I am hoping to learn how to deal with my depression.

I know I could write so much more, but that would be a book in itself.

niecyntab niecyntab 36-40, F 1 Response May 12, 2007

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I understand a lot of what you went thru. That description of your teenage years? That could have been written about me!! Anyway i know how hard **** gets sometimes, good job kickin the meth (i kicked heroin) Ever think of being a writer? just remember that our disgusting society is to blame for the way you feel about your body. Your beauty shines from within, and i know that sounds corny as **** but its true. If you want to lose weight for YOU, then do it. but don't do it to fit in, or to be liked. The only people who matter are the ones who can see beyond the exterior