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Neverending Fight

Yes I battle with depression every single day of my life. Its part of my bipolar disorder. Some days are worse than others but Ive found a reason to live so I would never ever kill myself. Last year 2011 was one of the worst years of my life. Ive never fought with depression so hard. It started some time in May. At first I was having my manic episodes but then I fell into a deep depression. On top of it my medicine had stopped working. I was practically loosing my mind. Literally. Me and my mom kept trying to tell the doctor that my medicine had stopped working but he wouldnt listen. He'd just say come back next month and he put me on this medication that made me anxious, gittery, and made my muscles stiff which made me more depressed because I couldnt move. I couldnt even rest even when I was doing nothing at all. I wasnt sleeping well at all and the medicine also made me drool on my pillow at night so I'd have to keep flipping the pillow over. I couldnt work because the medicine made my muscles stiff so I couldnt half move. Even the simplest task was a major chore. It was a challenge to bathe myself which my mom had to force me to do. She also had to force me to eat.

One day my mom was about to go to work and she said she'd see me later. I had spent months being depressed and just laying in the bed while suffering the side effects of my medicine, that wasnt working by the way so I was suffering in vain. She might as well said she'd see me next year because that meant I'd have to spend another whole day alone battling my depression and the side effects of that awful medicine. I finally made up in my mind that I couldnt live like that anymore and was about to overdose on my medicine. I was just going to take all the pills and hope to die. But something in me said it wasnt time for me to die, that I couldnt just die like that. It was that little piece of me that still wanted to live. So I gathered up all my strength, threw on some clothes and left the house and made my way to the hospital. I had on a smelly t-shirt and some jeans. It was like everything was trying to stop me from getting to the hospital that day. The trains were only running to a certain point so I had to take a crowded shuttle bus where there was some guy with his shirt off showing himself and tormenting the other passengers. Once I got to the train the train was crowded. Once I got downtown there was a parade. I got on another train and as I rode through the downtown area I looked at the buildings and the water. But I couldnt enjoy it because I was so depressed. Im sure youre thinking why did I have to travel so far to the hospital and why didnt I just call the ambulance. Well if I would have done that they would have taken me to a hospital around my house and those hospital arent very good ones. Trust me, Ive been to them. Thats where I had a doctor that wasnt listening to me.

I finally made it to the hospital and told them I was feeling depressed and suicidal and they had me wait in the waiting area. Shortly after I spoke with a doctor and I told him the same. They put me in a room and had someone else talk to me but I couldnt half talk because I was so out of it. I was in the room for some hours when they finally moved me to thier psychiatric unit and gave me a room there. While I was in there I was still depressed for about a week until they got me on the right medicine and I began to recover. I finally did recover and they released me from the hospital. I was so much better than I was and I just thank God I made it through that dark period in my life.

To anyone battling with the same thing there is hope. Dont give in to that urge to kill yourself. Call the ambulance if you have to or if youre in my situation get to the hospital yourself. You have a purpose on this earth. You dont have to kill yourself. Youre not a mistake and God put you here for a reason. Theres no coming back from suicide. Once youre gone youre gone. I dont know how many of you out there are Christians and I dont know how true it is that youll go to Hell if you commit suicide but you dont want to find out. Focus on living not dying. I pray that my story has helped you in some way. Never give up. As long as youre alive theres always a chance for things to get better. My God bless you and watch over you :-)
groundshaker groundshaker 26-30, M 37 Responses Nov 3, 2012

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Become a Buddist and relax...life is too short.

I'm so sorry

I have been battling schizophrenia for years, I feel my life is over

I am bi-polar, manic/depressive/anxiety......I have struggled as well, for years before they found the right meds that worked for me. I've had suicidal tendencies all my life.....but thank God I don't feel like that anymore! Thank you for sharing your story!

I cried :c
you kind of lost me tho when you starting going into Christianity, I try to ignore religious references because i'm not religious but whatever.
i remember telling myself when i was young that i would never kill myself, (it's weird how strongly i remember, at the time i thought that killing yourself was so pointless i guess) but i'm realizing now hard it is to keep this promise to myself. I experience such highs and lows in life and ughhhh **** im falling back into my depression. i just want to give up some days, ive considered it, but im still here and i honestly dont know why or how. i was feeling so happy like 2 minutes ago it scares me how quickly my brain can change, ya know?
:/

Not to make this all go down the drain, but I'm 14 years old and I feel like that on a daily basis and I'm very irritable. My family hates me, my friends hate me, I hate myself. Oh my god you would not believe the bath of self hatred I drown myself in everyday. But the thing is, I don't want help. I don't deserve it. Everything I have coming at me is what I deserve. Not to mention that for some stupid reason I wished for this, God listened and now I have it, along with the other dumb things I wished for. I don't really know where I'm going with this but I'm just putting it out there I guess.

What do you mean you wished for it?

I literally wished for it. I don't remember why but I wished to be depressed, I wished to be the way I am now. And I got it. So I'm stuck with it, I wished for other things but I most likely will not get them

Why would you ever wish for that?

I don't know. But my friends were all depressed but most of them are getting over it, and I went through a traumatic experience as a child. And a NDE, I wish I would've died back then.

That is quite bizarre.

Yeah I suppose so

Sweetheart, no one deserves to go through what you have to go through every day. No matter what you did; no matter what you wished for, you don't deserve it. I understand hating yourself so much that you don't want to get up in the morning because you think it would be better if you had just died in your sleep. But you don't deserve that hatred, either. And no matter how much you think everyone hates you, there are people out there who love you and want you here with us. I love you and I don't even know you.
God put you on this earth for a reason, and that reason was not to suffer. If you don't want to get help, I understand. But know that it is there for you and know that there are people who want to help you. You might not be able to take back your wish, but you can always try to fix things. And if you can't, then let them go.

You're a beautiful person. And thank you. But darling, I don't think I believe in god. But if I do I kinda think he placed me here to kinda hold together my little group of friends and save some people but I wasn't meant to be here for myself. And that's okay I suppose. I love you too sweety.

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Thanks for sharing your story.
It took me a long time - fifty years, to realize that I had been having anxiety attacks and depression. In my case, I was treated by civilian doctors that, like yours, were more interested in what THEY thought was wrong and/or prescribing the "medication of the day" instead of listening to what I was saying and actually trying to help.
I am retired from the military, so, after spending some time staring down the barrel of my shotgun, looking at the end of the shell, and putting my finger on the trigger, I finally admitted that I needed some real help and went to the Veteran's Administration - obviously, not an option in your case.
It took trying some different combinations of drugs, but we finally found a combination that seems to be working. I am now able to hold a job again, and I am down to seriously considering suicide a few times a week, instead of several times a day...
And - before anyone asks, it was not my time in the military that gave me these problems - I had them before I went in. I realize now that my military career actually HELPED me deal with my problems. It was after I retired, and no longer had that anchor of fixed, uniform procedures as well as the stress of leadership, that I found myself inking into the mind-numbing despair.
I've also been called an "military adrenaline junkie" - mountain climbing or skydiving has no appeal for me, but I miss dropping into a hot LZ, fast-roping off a helicopter or running a convoy through "Injun Country"
Nothing I've done since I retired has seemed to be very important in the grand scheme of things.
But - keep on keeping on, my brother! Do not let the Depression Win!

Thank you for this uplifting story, groundshaker! It's VERY inspirational!
Why did you take me out of your circle? I thought we were good friends! :-(

Sorry! First it said "in your circle", then it said "your friend". My sincere apologies- it tricked me! :-?

thanks for the informative post. You may help someone else too. Glad you're doing better!

Totally agreed! :-)

I think there is no doubt that you have a purpose yet to be fulfilled in this stage of our existence we call mortal (what an inadequate word!). I don't know why you decided to fan me or friend me or whatever they call it, but I feel so honored. I believe God used you to teach you a lesson about yourself. You proved to yourself beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are in touch with your purpose, even if you can't completely label it. Look at how aware you now are of just how extraordinarily determined you are. Look at how you refused to settle for the substandard care that you know you would get in your neighborhood. Living in Chicago, I understand exactly what you are talking about. You strengthened spiritual and motivational muscles through that experience that I bet you didn't even know you have. Man, you are a jewel and God has something very special that he is doing with you. And, by the way, help your body chemistry as much as you can by eating the most natural foods you can get and the most balanced diet you can manage. Peace and love, little brother.

Thank you for posting this. I'm glad you won the fight.

Wow, what a tough road you've been on and you have so much courage. Don't ever stop fighting, you're worth it....I've never had depression that badly. I feel so appreciative that it never got that bad. I' glad you have your momby your side, that will help.

I've thad the same battle for decades. One thing I now know is the link between anger and depression. Once when I was severly depressed, I had made my self a bowl of ramen noodles, I was standing in the livingroon holding it and I found myself getting angrier and angrier. I took the bowl and slammed it to the floor with such force that there were bits of bowl and noodles on all four walls and all over the ceiling. The depression lifted like magic, gone. Of cource it came back. but... that link is there,it's real. Depression, in my view, is repressed anger.

One other sufferer's advice: Just don't sit down. Keep moving. Excercise is great, provides oxegen to the brain.

Go smash something. You don't have to know why or what the anger is about or even if it's there. You're looking for release. Keep the bits and pieces to look at and marvel. Use as much force as you can muster. Not enough? Try it again.

In my college days in NY, I often went to Coney Island. There was a booth where they set up dishes for, mostly guys, to throw baseballs at. I marveled at the force they used to smash those plates. I could never afford to try it myself but the memory,the sense of wonder is vivid tho it's 50 years ago.

Recently I have had sever back pain. Did chiro and massage to no effect. Did pain meds till I was stupid and loggy. Did MRI and xrays whic led to steroid injections. Limited help. Old friend gve me a book by John Sarno in which he says the structural problems are not the cause of pain, it's repressed anger and anxiety. He didn't give any reciepe for what to do about it. I wrote to my friend about my experiences with anger and depression including the noodle event. The simple act of revisiting all that, writing about it helped the pain more than and medical intervention. So we get to the mind/body thing.

I spent my life as a freelancer. I noted that myself and other freelancers did not get sick, did not have colds etc. We could not afford to so just did't do it. The mind/ body thing again.

So why did it take me 70 years to find this? What a waste of time energy and pain and suffering, both mental and physical. What a way to waste a life.

Boy, I hope this helps you and others who might read it.

Good luck.
T

Not a wasted life at all.....each time you share your knowledge and experience you are helping others, like me! Thank you

I've thad the same battle for decades. One thing I now know is the link between anger and depression. Once when I was severly depressed, I had made my self a bowl of ramen noodles, I was standing in the livingroon holding it and I found myself getting angrier and angrier. I took the bowl and slammed it to the floor with such force that there were bits of bowl and noodles on all four walls and all over the ceiling. The depression lifted like magic, gone. Of cource it came back. but... that link is there,it's real. Depression, in my view, is repressed anger.

One other sufferer's advice: Just don't sit down. Keep moving. Excercise is great, provides oxegen to the brain.

Go smash something. You don't have to know why or what the anger is about or even if it's there. You're looking for release. Keep the bits and pieces to look at and marvel. Use as much force as you can muster. Not enough? Try it again.

In my college days in NY, I often went to Coney Island. There was a booth where they set up dishes for, mostly guys, to throw baseballs at. I marveled at the force they used to smash those plates. I could never afford to try it myself but the memory,the sense of wonder is vivid tho it's 50 years ago.

Recently I have had sever back pain. Did chiro and massage to no effect. Did pain meds till I was stupid and loggy. Did MRI and xrays whic led to steroid injections. Limited help. Old friend gve me a book by John Sarno in which he says the structural problems are not the cause of pain, it's repressed anger and anxiety. He didn't give any reciepe for what to do about it. I wrote to my friend about my experiences with anger and depression including the noodle event. The simple act of revisiting all that, writing about it helped the pain more than and medical intervention. So we get to the mind/body thing.

I spent my life as a freelancer. I noted that myself and other freelancers did not get sick, did not have colds etc. We could not afford to so just did't do it. The mind/ body thing again.

So why did it take me 70 years to find this? What a waste of time energy and pain and suffering, both mental and physical. What a way to waste a life.

Boy, I hope this helps you and others who might read it.

Good luck.
T

I've thad the same battle for decades. One thing I now know is the link between anger and depression. Once when I was severly depressed, I had made my self a bowl of ramen noodles, I was standing in the livingroon holding it and I found myself getting angrier and angrier. I took the bowl and slammed it to the floor with such force that there were bits of bowl and noodles on all four walls and all over the ceiling. The depression lifted like magic, gone. Of cource it came back. but... that link is there,it's real. Depression, in my view, is repressed anger.

One other sufferer's advice: Just don't sit down. Keep moving. Excercise is great, provides oxegen to the brain.

Go smash something. You don't have to know why or what the anger is about or even if it's there. You're looking for release. Keep the bits and pieces to look at and marvel. Use as much force as you can muster. Not enough? Try it again.

In my college days in NY, I often went to Coney Island. There was a booth where they set up dishes for, mostly guys, to throw baseballs at. I marveled at the force they used to smash those plates. I could never afford to try it myself but the memory,the sense of wonder is vivid tho it's 50 years ago.

Recently I have had sever back pain. Did chiro and massage to no effect. Did pain meds till I was stupid and loggy. Did MRI and xrays whic led to steroid injections. Limited help. Old friend gve me a book by John Sarno in which he says the structural problems are not the cause of pain, it's repressed anger and anxiety. He didn't give any reciepe for what to do about it. I wrote to my friend about my experiences with anger and depression including the noodle event. The simple act of revisiting all that, writing about it helped the pain more than and medical intervention. So we get to the mind/body thing.

I spent my life as a freelancer. I noted that myself and other freelancers did not get sick, did not have colds etc. We could not afford to so just did't do it. The mind/ body thing again.

So why did it take me 70 years to find this? What a waste of time energy and pain and suffering, both mental and physical. What a way to waste a life.

Boy, I hope this helps you and others who might read it.

Good luck.
T

Groundshaker!!! I can't even put in to words how your story has touched me. So proud of you for making such a brave move despite the dark place you were in. I have struggled with depression for my entire adult life and what it really comes down to is finding that morsel of yourself that isn't ready to throw in the preverbal towel! My brother once told me "no matter how bad today feels there is always a great possability that tomorrow will feel better". I just want you to know what a great example you are....thank you for sharing your story!!! Enjoy your journey!

YES ~ Be blessed ALL.
CHEERS.
:)

I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety fortunately I was was giving the right medicine and now I am much better.

God and Jesus are always there, when you have been knocked down on your knees, and say this prayer. I know you are here with me in my darkest hour and I raise my hand to grasp yours, for I know this is but temporary. That your have better plans for me, I have to be patient while you do your miracle and bless me.

You inspire me! Thanks for sharing with us this amazing story :-)

I have always believed that it is up to us to make a reason to live every day even if it is as simple as I want to have pancakes for breakfast...it works!

Some people don't believe me but one of the main ways I deal with my depression is that I never, never give into it...never. Because if I do it wins and can take me to that black hole that I cannot escape. Does it win sometimes...of course!! However, when I fight it the way I do and not give in, it can only take me so far down the road to desruction. The other thing is I go out of my way to understand everything about my depression, triggers, etc. Ignorance is not bliss it is death!

PS I love the title of your story - "Fun But Dangerous" - brilliant!

Thanks.

Hey, groundshaker, my son also is bipolar but he refuses to take any medication because he knows others who do and doesn't want the side-effects they get. Although it used to be really bad, he now works hard at managing it through exercise, diet and meditating, and he does this every day. It's working! He's had a year with much less severe ups and downs and no suicidal thoughts. Of course it's not like a magic wand and it's not easy but maybe it's something you could try? You sound like a lovely and positive person - good luck with it! Carly x

Thanks I really appreciate that. I just take the medicine because dont want to have another episode. Ive been lucky enough to not get into any serious life threatening situations but I dont want to take the chance.

Different methods work for different people.

Just a word of warning: it is possible for some people to be MISdiagnosed as having bipolar disorder. It happened to me. I have read a lot about this disorder, but I am fortunate enough not to have it and haven't taken any kind of psychoactive pharma for years. Sometimes one just encounters problems while growing up, and some psychiatrists out there are too ready to prescribe but unable or unwilling to actually listen to you.

Thats only a story about one of my depressed moments. It doesnt talk about when Im manic and acting wierd. Check out my story, "Fun But Dangerous".

I guess my reply wasn't really directed at you so much as to those who have been misdiagnosed, told they have it by a careless human. I know somebody who was misdiagnosed in some way and was prescribed Abilify. It turned out to be ineffective but she got tardive dyskinesia which is incurable.

HI Groundshaker

Thanks for sharing your story.... I was there too. Literally sitting on the bridge crying, A cliche I know. I wasn't looking for help I was going to jump, but I guess not quite badly enough. Luckily I managed to walk away too. Sometimes, it seems you have to hit the bottom before you can start the long slow climb back into the light. Now it all seems a distant memory. Yes, I still get dark thoughts, but only fleeting..... To all those that read Groundshaker's post - there is hope and in the words of the R.E.M song "Hold on"

Thanks for sharing your story I felt your pain.

Thanks. I appreciate that :-)

My own age-old experiences: I watched all such things (like depressions, or wide spread paralyses after a polio) within my (and others´) life. Somebody told me: don´t "fight against", accept it as a kind of power being a part of your present being (given to you by God or existence). It belongs to you, albeit not liked. It makes your life difficult. But there exists no one easy life. Watch it with clear eyes, be open to look at it from all sides. Be aware of all things that happen. Awareness is one of the great qualities every human being has got.

A battle-against is always a risk, may be you lose it.

So I welcomed my "bad" parts of my charakter, and finally we became a kind of friends. It was ME. Yes, difficult friendships, but somehow friends. After they became kind friends of mine and I was no longer "against", life became easier.

I agree with your concept that awareness is absolutely essential and that we must accept ourselves with all of the good and the bad in order to have a clear view of what our problems and our strengths are BUT, if I am understanding what you are saying, I can never accept what my depression tells me because it is a liar that will kill me if it gets a chance. The things it says are not rational in any sense of the word and must be denied or that leads to the path to the black hell!

Dissatisfaction with life comes only because deep inside you know there is something better. Somehow, you know life can be better, if only because it WAS better in the past.

Moods come and go, and periods in life come and go. Sometimes we go through hard times. Be aware of them, and refuse to believe the part of you that wants to die.

The only side of you that wants to die is the suffering side. God did not intend for man to suffer.

I've made peace with fact that Im not going to kil myself. Now Im just passing time until I pass on.

Disregaurd that last comment. I was in a different place when I wrote that.

i also face that situation i just want to kill my self because of hard life condition and a bettle of 11years hard life push me there but there is a voice tell me that i already have almost lose this life here but i shudnt do anything witch distroy my life before death as a muslims we also teach that by our prophet that sucide attempt person go in hell so that stop me from that attempt. my life condition are not much change but it is little fine and satisfied for me that if i am not having much here i may have much in life before.
but hope your life is much better know actualy in our society a man life is very better that woman you have that advantage also if i be a man today my life be change tahn what it is know

Well truth be told Im not in a very good place right now quite discontent and unsatisfied with life. However, Ive made up in my mind that Im not going to kill myself. I just have to find ways to cope with this life while Im here. Its like serving a prison sentence but you'll eventually get out one day.

Im so glad that others are sharing their stories. I, too, was battling depression and you feel like a puppet and someone else is controlling your moves and moods. It was tough for a few weeks. I didn't know what was happening and I definitely didn't know what to do. One day I woke up, which means I had pretty much been awake all night and finally dragged myself out of bed, and decided to give a few options a try. I went to the doctor I have seen for many years and broke down in front of her... very embarrassing, mostly because I had seen her for so long and secondly because she was about my age and very hot. I can laugh about it now.
She told me to go see a psychologist and psychologist. I was beyond nervous when I heard her say those two doctors until she told me not to worry. She said there's nothing wrong with you, some times the chemicals in the body get misaligned and you just need some other help to get things back on track and these things are outside the scope of my general practice.
At that point I decided that I had to do what I never do and that was to remove my guard and let the people that she recommended help me. I listened to them, did the things they recommended, took the medications my shrink prescribed and although the recovery time was short in comparison to others, about 9 months, shortly thereafter I feel like it never happened.
Its hard to accept that you may have a brief lapse in the chemicals in your brain which many do not want to help because the think they are mentally ill and thats not the case. Things are short term and the sooner you accept that there are professionals that can and will help, the quicker you'll be back to your old self and the thoughts and actions of that brief period of your life will barely be enough to even be counted as a memory.
Be strong.

Well I wish that I could tell you that Im doing great and enjoying life but honestly Im not. Im very dissatisfied with life and wish I could go back to a simpler time where things werent so difficult. However, Ive made up in my mind that Im not going to kill myself. I just have to find ways to cope with this life. Its like serveing a prison sentence but one day you'll get out.