Neverending FightYes I battle with depression every single day of my life. Its part of my bipolar disorder. Some days are worse than others but Ive found a reason to live so I would never ever kill myself. Last year 2011 was one of the worst years of my life. Ive never fought with depression so hard. It started some time in May. At first I was having my manic episodes but then I fell into a deep depression. On top of it my medicine had stopped working. I was practically loosing my mind. Literally. Me and my mom kept trying to tell the doctor that my medicine had stopped working but he wouldnt listen. He'd just say come back next month and he put me on this medication that made me anxious, gittery, and made my muscles stiff which made me more depressed because I couldnt move. I couldnt even rest even when I was doing nothing at all. I wasnt sleeping well at all and the medicine also made me drool on my pillow at night so I'd have to keep flipping the pillow over. I couldnt work because the medicine made my muscles stiff so I couldnt half move. Even the simplest task was a major chore. It was a challenge to bathe myself which my mom had to force me to do. She also had to force me to eat.
One day my mom was about to go to work and she said she'd see me later. I had spent months being depressed and just laying in the bed while suffering the side effects of my medicine, that wasnt working by the way so I was suffering in vain. She might as well said she'd see me next year because that meant I'd have to spend another whole day alone battling my depression and the side effects of that awful medicine. I finally made up in my mind that I couldnt live like that anymore and was about to overdose on my medicine. I was just going to take all the pills and hope to die. But something in me said it wasnt time for me to die, that I couldnt just die like that. It was that little piece of me that still wanted to live. So I gathered up all my strength, threw on some clothes and left the house and made my way to the hospital. I had on a smelly t-shirt and some jeans. It was like everything was trying to stop me from getting to the hospital that day. The trains were only running to a certain point so I had to take a crowded shuttle bus where there was some guy with his shirt off showing himself and tormenting the other passengers. Once I got to the train the train was crowded. Once I got downtown there was a parade. I got on another train and as I rode through the downtown area I looked at the buildings and the water. But I couldnt enjoy it because I was so depressed. Im sure youre thinking why did I have to travel so far to the hospital and why didnt I just call the ambulance. Well if I would have done that they would have taken me to a hospital around my house and those hospital arent very good ones. Trust me, Ive been to them. Thats where I had a doctor that wasnt listening to me.
I finally made it to the hospital and told them I was feeling depressed and suicidal and they had me wait in the waiting area. Shortly after I spoke with a doctor and I told him the same. They put me in a room and had someone else talk to me but I couldnt half talk because I was so out of it. I was in the room for some hours when they finally moved me to thier psychiatric unit and gave me a room there. While I was in there I was still depressed for about a week until they got me on the right medicine and I began to recover. I finally did recover and they released me from the hospital. I was so much better than I was and I just thank God I made it through that dark period in my life.
To anyone battling with the same thing there is hope. Dont give in to that urge to kill yourself. Call the ambulance if you have to or if youre in my situation get to the hospital yourself. You have a purpose on this earth. You dont have to kill yourself. Youre not a mistake and God put you here for a reason. Theres no coming back from suicide. Once youre gone youre gone. I dont know how many of you out there are Christians and I dont know how true it is that youll go to Hell if you commit suicide but you dont want to find out. Focus on living not dying. I pray that my story has helped you in some way. Never give up. As long as youre alive theres always a chance for things to get better. My God bless you and watch over you :-)
groundshaker 26-30, M 34 Responses 33 Nov 3, 2012