Ok I Stopped Self Medicating . . . Now What?!?!?!

I was abused in every way a person could possibly be abused from the time i was 4 until I was 12 when I finally had enough and got it stopped.  It was my big brother who did this to me, and I never tell anyone that because I am afraid they will yell "******!!"  and forever see me differently even though I was the victim.  So then I turned 13, realized what had been going on was not normal and got REALLY PISSED OFF!!!!!!  That was when I started drinking and doing drugs.  I was a totally functioning drug addict, (got a B.S.) until i found heroin.  That drug totally devastated my whole life, and although it did make the bad feelings go away they always came back.  So now i am clean and sober and i have the opportunity to take this great job, and my head is freaking out!  YOU'RE NOT WORTHY OF SUCH A GREAT JOB!  YOU KNOW YOU'LL JUST SCREW IT UP!! AND WHEN YOU SCREW IT UP YOUR FAMILY IS ALL GONNA SAY "I KNEW SHE WASN'T REALLY CLEAN."  This along with all the usual bullshit in my head saying that i am a worthless piece of **** and i should just end it all.  Hey, there is an overpopulation problem anyway right?  i would be doing the world a favor, right?  one less ******* using up too much of the earths resources.  So I was supposed to go in for training this morning and even though i have a legitimate excuse ( i have strep throat) i probably could have handled it.  Am i sabotaging myself?  Am i being a chicken **** little girl again too afraid to stand up for myself?
SunshineDaydream SunshineDaydream
26-30, F
3 Responses May 14, 2007

you have a very interesting story, worthy in the ranks of a play. not like of a Shakespeare tale, but of a real life drama. the only missing part of the story is a happy ending. you are going through tremendous trials in life and by putting yourself in a situation of change in a good and fascinating way can be inspiring to other people who suffered the same way as you did. tell your experience, write about it. who knows of the possibilities intended from your dreadful experience. go to www.mystorytoscreen.com for help.

First of all, I definately know where you're coming from with all those negative self-thoughts; so many things have gone wrong in the past that you expect everything to keep going wrong forever. The problem is that (I'm guessing) your habitual ways of thinking about yourself and your experiences are distorted; Not only do those negative self-thoughts keep you in a perpetual cycle of suffering, those thoughts don't reflect reality. If what I just said makes sense to you, I have to recommend a book that I think could do WONDERS for you: It's called "feeling good" by David D. Burns. It's a book that helps people deal with depression,anxiety,guilt, low self-esteem, etc. through some very simple exercises. I won't get into too many details, but the key is that all these problems stem from cognitive distortions- ways of thinking that are harmful to yourself AND Don't make sense. For example, you're thought regarding thing upcoming job: "you know you'll just screw it up!" falls under the category of "Fortune-telling": nobody can tell the future! you don't KNOW what will happen at all! The stuff about calling yourself a worthless piece of **** falls under the category of "labeling"-- What is a worthless piece of ****, really? it's an idea you made up in your head to define yourself. Really you're just a person who makes mistakes sometimes- plus, if you were a piece of ****, you wouldn't have hands, and couldn't have typed this story/entry here! <br />
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Basically the idea is that as you start observing your negative thoughts, you begin to realize how distorted they are-it's not just a matter of "positive thinking"- it's realistic thinking. you don't try to make things seem better than they are, but you also make sure that if you're making things out to be WORSE than they actually are, you realize it and see it for what it is. Once you start recognizing these patterns in your thinking, they naturally, gradually stop happening so much, and your way of thinking becomes more realistic. Anyways, the book tells you exactly what to do- it's not a matter of just reading about why you're depressed- it tells you step by step exactly what to do to make yourself better. Hope things work out for you!

I am really sorry for what has happened to you. I won't try to pretend where you are coming from. I can say this though. You have already proven that you are a strong will individual. You just need to realize how wonderful you are. It's hard this I understand. When you had such a traumatic past and now you are faced with a uphill battle. I think the first portion of you recovery you need to focus on is you. Worrying about what other say and think will definitely hinder any progress you hope to make. The Job is apart of your personal battle. Once you overcome this battle it will become easy for you. Go to you job and concentrate on this. This step is a process of many processes to come. Rest assured it will not be easy but imagine how good you will feel once you accomplish this first step.<br />
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We are here for you<br />
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Jay