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Not Sure If I'm Depressed Or If It's Something Else...

I've had ups and downs as far as I can remember.
Sometimes I get up, feeling happy and lucky for all the things I've got in life such as a loving boyfriend, a beautiful dog, a place I can call home, a family that supports me,...
But somehow, this is not enough to keep me from feeling really depressed a lot and messing things up...=(
It's hard for me to feel connected to people and to feel how much they love me at certain moments. At others, I can feel it all. It's really messing with my mind and I can't stop thinking I'd better go and talk to a psychologist about this.
It's like a switch turning off and on without me having controll about it.
At some moments, I don't care about anything, I'd leave my home and everything behind without knowing why. And a few days later, I can't stop crying for doing so.
I've left my boyfriend 2 times in the past 5 years we've been together and even though our relationship is far from perfect, he didn't deserve it.
The first few days I couldn't care less about it and then when I start realizing the pain I caused again and how much I love him, I regret the things I've done.
It's really hard dealing with all of that because I'm actually a very emphatitic person and I can't imagine causing harm or hurt to anyone on purpose or fulling realizing I am doing that. But it's like a dark side taking over, not caring about all of that...
It's also a vicious circle I'm getting in to, I leave him, I cause pain, his family's trust is broken again, my parents not understanding it, and I keep getting more depressed when I realize how much pain I cause and how sorry I am about it =(
I really don't know what to do about it either, I don't want to be this kind of person but it keeps on happening =( Sometimes I think it has to be because of things in the past but then again, I really have moved on so why does it keep on happening over and over again?
kimmy159 kimmy159 22-25, F 12 Responses Nov 9, 2012

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I think you should see a psychiatrist about it, nothing wrong with having a depression, it's a medical condition, and can be as simple as a hormone imbalance which can be treated and then all will be fine, but leave it ignored and A. you will lose people you care about, and B. it could develop into something far more serious.

I'd go see a good one as soon as possible! and good luck :)

I actually wrote this a year ago, right before I started seeing a psychologist. It has been very helpful so far =)

I'm glad it was :)

keep asking that question again and again so that you won't repeat the same behaviour.

It does not sound like depression, however that guilty feeling night prevent you from doing the thing that could bring you happinness.

I don't think it's depression... however you may try to talk about it to a person you trust. Or to random people on EP :)

I'm in same point too,I still dnt kno wat to do sometimes I just do wats expected of me even if it means putting up the fake smiles,I keep it to myself cause I dnt wanna hurt anyone again which isn't the best thing too do..I talk friends here kind of helps me,I hope things get better

Hi confused, I understand why you put on the fake smiles. I do that too many times too. The problem is, people who truely get to know me or just have a good intuïtion, see right through those fake smiles. Some confront me, and I collapse immediately. Some guy at work did that a month ago, he saw I just pretended to be okay and asked 'now, what is truely wrong' and I just started crying. Sometimes I don't like him for doing that (confronting me) because I don't want to cry! I don't want to be sad! I don't want to be reminded everytime that it's just me going through some rough phase where I just can't be happy without really knowing what the problem is. But talking about it, does help. Sometimes people can make you find out things about yourself by asking the right kind of questions. I'm just afraid to hurt people during this period too =(

Ah you have it bad..its problaby getting worse and worse recently right.? I dnt mind talking and nothing you say can hurt those who can relate to you dnt be afraid you need to let it all out somewhere or at some point,its unhealthy to keep so much in trust me you'll lose yourself go into a worse state

Well, I'm quite a strong person but whenever something happens in my personal life, I lose my stability or the controll over it and I start crying easily. When I'm this upset, I start saying things I don't mean sometimes. It's not that I don't always talk, it's the fact I hurt people with my words and I don't even mean them. Like I would yell to my boyfriend he has to leave me alone, and I would come cuddle with him 5 minutes later saying I'm sorry and I didn't mean it... I just have these extreme ups and downs all the time. I'm afraid that someday he will had enough of it and leave me for it, but I just can't help saying hurtfull things when I'm in this state of mind and I really hate that part of myself... I only hurt people I really care about too, the ones I don't care about I can be friendly to and put up the fake smiles. I just hate it...

You are yourself around those you love that's why..tho you dnt mean for it to come bad it does that's more bipolarr than depression but you have both which explains the extreme up and dwns,you needmore control over your emotions which isn't easy

I think you're right about that. Hmm the problem is that I don't mind telling what I feel to the people I care about, but when I do, I'm immediately in a very unstable state of mind. I always want to talk but also don't want to=/ . When it gets too much, or they ask too much difficult questions in which I feel I can't answer it (because I just don't know the reasons behind it), I shut down completely and try to keep them at a distance. I would say they have to leave me alone which might hurt them because they only want to help and by cutting of the conversation, I know we can never come to any solutions or conclusion but still, I keep doing it when I can't handle or take it anymore. I first have to calm down and usually we stop talking about it then.

The other problem is also that I don't have a goal in life so far. If people ask me 'but there must be something that makes you happy, a hobby or something?' and I simply say 'no... there isn't =/ I don't have a special dream I want to realise, I don't have a hobby I like doing so much' The only thing I do like is being around the people I like and yet it doesn't make me happy enough in life. It's like I'm missing something and I really don't know what it is.

Because as much as youwant or dnt want to talk about it its more like you can't..you don't like being ask about it because you yourself don't fully understand what your going through which triggers that response you just need to sort things out one step at a time

Well being with those you love does count but you want more..I kno how you feel its just that missing link,uo want something without knowing wat it is I really hate that lol..

I know what I do want, I want to start a family of my own someday. But, as long as I don't feel like I've become a stable person, I'm not ready for it. And you are right again... I don't know what is missing so I keep having this feeling I can't really talk about it either because I just don't know what it is =( I wish I could just wake up, suddenly find a goal or a hobby in life which I just love doing and say 'hey that's it, that's what was missing and now I'm perfectly happy'. But I'm slowly losing my hopes for it. I don't think it's gonna be that easy. In the meantime, I find myself trying to keep everyone around me happy and not having them worrying too much about me. I know from experience that people start to dislike other people when they are being sad and depressed all the time. They're just no fun. That's why I fake it so much I guess... As long as I don't know what's really wrong, I don't really want to talk about it all the time either, I just don't see the point in it. And sometimes, I'm afraid that if I go to a doctor or psychologist for it, that they will just give me some pills which will give me some sort of 'fake hapiness feeling' =(

Honestly as much as doesn't help me at all,and I'm not that stable sometimes but if you want something you do what you have too so you can have it just be pacient and work on it little by little you'll get there its only waywe can tho I wish we could wake up that way andbe happy but never that simple..if you choose to go to doctor be ready make sure that's what you want and I kno wat you mean I was on few pills and therapy it end bad for me tho...but everyone is different works for some

Thanks a lot for your support!

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Dear feel sad of you, but this is not end of the world.. time will cure your wound. you will find a better one .... be brave and happy. BTW, I saw you written worry too much and headache, please cool down and take a deep breath , go to bed early and have a good rest. OK hun... take care. : )

Thank you for your support Annachua =) The problem is that I never stop worrying and my thoughts never cool down either. I do try to relax. During the day, I keep myself busy and it helps but whenever I try to sleep, thoughts just keep popping up.

Dear, you still need to forget the pass, pass is pass, no point thinking of it,, this will only give you more worry and nothing much can help yourself... go to look for things that you like to do or chat to your friend that you are trust... or you want to confide to me , I can be a good listener , I may not able to help you much at least my ear can borrow to you. Dear, cheer

are you still worry much and get headache, please go to bed early and have a good rest... : )

I will try to do so for sure. I'll cook myself something nice, play with my dog a bit and go to bed early. I'll think I'll be tired enough to sleep since I didn't sleep a lot last night (explains the headache today).

dear glad to hear that if you want can add me as a friend. good nite

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You will do what you feel is right, and I wish you the best. I just hope that someday you can find a way to take care of yourself. You're fighting against your innermost desires to be true to yourself and what you want most, hence the emotional roller coaster. Whatever you decide ultimately to do, just make sure you're doing it because its the best situation for YOU.

Alot of what your decribing the extreme ups and very low lows sounds alote like bipolar disorder. Mood swings can be abrupt and can last for only a few min to as much as day's. I would talk with your doctor and see what he thinks. Then if you do suffer from it or depression you can get medications to help balance out your moods. I have depression and it sucks but with medication i can function normally and not feel depressed all the time

I do have a lot of moodswings. I can leave to work and be happy and text my boyfriend I feel depressed some hours later. But I will never show it. It's like I don't want to accept the fact I don't feel happy, I don't want to admit it to myself I think... I want to be a possitive thinking person and I mostly am, being depressed is so much different from that way of thinking so it gets me so confused inside. You might think it's not fair to pretend everything is okay like when I'm at my work and stuff but it does help me through the day. It wouldn't be much of a help to just stay at home crying all the time, I might as well go to work and put it aside. I will go see a doctor but it's hard to explain what I feel because it's so different every time and I don't know where to start

When i saw my doctor about my depression he had a lot of questions that he asked. It wasn't anything specific to how you feel just in general questions. Some are more specific than others but pretty much you go in sit down and he or she will ask a lot of questions. Just answer honestly and thruthfully. If more is needed your doctor may send you to a psychatrist for a more detailed eval.

I think that's a good way to start. I just need to open up to people to talk about it.
I guess I have that from my parents, they always pretend like nothing's wrong and they have the perfect life to everyone around them. They always taught me that what happened between 4 walls should stay there and it's no-one elses business. A lot happened between them and I wasn't even allowed to talk about it to anyone. I guess it left it's marks but I will do my best to talk open and honestly about my feelings with my doctor =). Thank you for the good advice!

That's a lot of rough stuff to be dealing with for all theses years. And I'm curious, though its none of my business, about what YOUR goals are? What do YOU want to do with YOUR life?
The label you've been given will not be removed by trying harder. The fact that he involved his parents, and they "know" who you are, is something that you will never recover from. They're his family. No matter your reasons or how justified your actions were, they love and support him and will be protective of him.
And while cheating is not the best solution to the issues you were facing, it's what happened. And it happened because you knew deep down that you needed more than what you had. You are reliving the guilt every day by trying to "work through it". The way he is behaving tells me that it's not going to get better.
He shouldn't have to keep quiet about his career. And you shouldn't feel saddened by what makes him happy. It sounds like you're both sticking it out out of obligation. And I get that. I really do. As f-Ed up as it has been, this is still a comfort zone for you. And there's the dog..
I've been down this road. It's not going to get better if you keep trying to fix it. Time heals all wounds, but so does space. And my opinion, for what it's worth, is that you both need a lot of it, from each other. You should focus on what YOU dream of.

This has been a real issue for the past couple of years. The problem is that I just can't leave him =( Emotionally it's too rough. I really am not attached to anyone except for him. And besides the affectionate stuff, he really is the greatest boyfriend anyone could ever have truely. He has just been so blindly focussed on what he wanted in life that he ignored everything and anyone else around him. It's true that I'm never gonna be able to solve it with his parents. His mom said some really hurtful things to me. She texted me to say 'what the hell are you doing? Are you going to continue ruining his life?'. I think that's why I feel depressed so much too, I know how much I've hurted everyone with my mistakes and it's hard to deal with but I truely believe I can be a better person if I try harder... As I said, I did let him leave and take the dog because I needed space too. It is then I had this period of not caring about anything again. I started to realize that I never really did something I wanted but he just wouldn't let me. Each time I wanted to go somewhere, he had obligations as a dj to be somewhere else. He always says he can't live without me and did stupid things in the time we broke up... Driving too fast, having a car accident, ... I fear for the day he hurts himself, THAT is what I would never be able to recover from. So yes, that's an unhealthy situation... He begged me to try again and I said this would be his very last chance and I think he finally truely realised that. But he really is a great guy, he works hard for his dreams but also for us to have a good life. He wants me to be happy but just handdles it the wrong way I think. Like, he would buy me everything I wanted even if I didn't ask him to, but all he really had to see was that I needed his affection more than anything else. We now are at this point and I will keep my promise and try again with him. If it doesn't work out this time or he really doesn't change, it will leave me as a broken person too. It's not because of family obligations I stick around, it's because of the bond we have, the things we've already been through together and he always came home to me and supported me through all of that.

I am sorry your experience with the psychologist did not work out. Sometimes it's a matter of finding the right one.
I went through something very similar to you. And saw a wonderful therapist who really listened to me, and once she got through my initial barriers I was able to see things from a different perspective.
The thing that you keep saying is that you know you have a good life but you feel bad for leaving boyfriend- family obligations....know this. No one but you and he knows what goes on behind closed doors.
It's not for anyone else in your life to say whether or not you should be with him. And SOMETHING is making you unhappy, though you're working very hard to keep it down. Whether you realize it or not, something sour in your relationship will cause everything else to look dim.
I don't know your situation. But at least in my mine, it was a continually fed lack of trust and faith. Hard as I tried to " get over it" and move on, it was always there, in the back of my mind. And though there were wonderful times all throughout, and so many reasons to be " happy" I couldn't. Not with him.
You're young and full of love, and you've been in this relationship a while, due to obligation...maybe it's just worth thinking about the moments that you feel worst. What triggered it, and when?
I wish you the best, and I'm sorry you're going through this.

Well you are right about the part that something isn't quite right in our relationship. I think if I explain, you would be able to give me more insight in it.
We met when I was in a very dark period of my life, a friend back stabbed me at school and I hadn't got any other friends at school as I don't get attahed to people easily. She met another friend and they simply started to ignore me, later they really started teasing me and I truely didn't do anything wrong. It went on for 2 years and luckily I had my boyfriend during that time. There was also a lot of violence between my parents and he gave me a safe place I could always go to: his home. I could sleep over as many times I liked so even though I was in that crappy situation, I was happy.
Suddenly, he decided he wanted to become a dj (he would keep his work and this would be a hobby. He dreamed of being able to live from it though and make it his main job). I supported him at first, because I wanted him to be happy. The past 3 years he became so dedicated to this that he had lost all of his attention for me. We would only have a sex kind of relationship but that's not enough for me. I wanted to cuddle, someone to hold me, someone who talks to me about everything, a deeper kind of relationship like we used to have. I made the mistake to cheat om him in that period so things went from bad to worse, we decided to keep trying and that's when we went to the psychologist for it. He changed for a short period and we went to live together in Februari this year. But since then, everything went even worse. He didn't give me any attention anymore. We used to still do things together in our last down period, but now, nothing. Each weekend he went out, dj-ing, meeting new people in that kind of life and I felt myself more and more slipping away, deeper and deeper. I always talked to him about it, I even cried and cried why I tried to make him see the light, making him see how badly things were going. He never changed anything about it and couldn't do anything I wanted to do either. Then I decided to leave him and suddenly he realized all of it. His family only sees me as 'the cheater' and as if I don't support him in his dream. As if I don't deserve him=( I most say that he REALLY seems changed now... I hope he keeps up the good things he does for me now. We try to cuddle again, to talk, and he tries not to go out and talk about dj-ing all the time. I think that was the begist reason of my depressions lately but even now, I still can't feel happy, I still feel like I'm alone as if I had to miss all of the affection too much and I can't enjoy it just yet because our relationship at this moment is perfect, so I don't see why I'm still not able to be happy =(

Seeking a psychologist wouldn't hurt I don't think.

I have depression myself and have had it for 5 years. I should feel better about my life considering I'm a recent University graduate with a decent mix of family/friends. I do have periods where I feel happy about it as you describe but I'm lucky if it lasts more than 12-18 hours. In doing some reading, I realized that dysthmia (which is a milder form of depression) fits the bill for mine and I think it's something you should explore as a possibility.

I've had to recently embrace the fact that I can't do this on my own as well and have shared that with others here in an attempt to allow them to understand there is no shame in seeking the help they need.

Thanks a lot for your reply. I read a little bit more about dysthmia but I don't think that's it. I'm a happy person except when I have these moments. I did go to a psychologist once with my boyfriend because of problems in our relationship and she said that she couldn't make sense out of me. There I was, smiling and crying at the same time how I explained a few things. She said it's very confusing because I keep smailing and I still cry my eyes out. I just don't feel comfortable explaining strangers how I feel. I'm very emotional so I start crying immediately too when I talk face to face with someone about how I feel. I also don't have low self esteem, which is kind of strange I guess. I have a lot of friends but somehow, I could easily live without any of them even though we're really close. That's the strange part you see =( I don't really miss people easily so I think I have an attachment problem or something like that. I could easily live without seeing my parents or anyone who raised me too, though yet, when it comes to my boyfriend, I would want him to hug me and give me attention all the time =S My reply doesn't make a lot of sense I know, but I just wrote how I feel at the moment...

The hardest thing sometimes is knowing logically that you have a good life, but not being able to see it emotionally or enjoy it the way that you should. It makes you feel like there is something wrong with you if you can't appreciate what's right in front of you. I've suffered with those feelings for a long time and I have yet to figure out the best way to deal with them.

I think that's exactly what I'm going through too. There are a lot of moments I get angry at myself for this too, like my mind is shouting out 'you have not 1 really good reason not to be happy at this moment, why can't you just be happy!' I still don't understand it, I hope we can both find a way to deal with it soon =). It's not always like that, that I don't realize and appreciate what I've got. But it happens way too often that I don't =(