Not Sure If I'm Depressed Or If It's Something Else...I've had ups and downs as far as I can remember.
Sometimes I get up, feeling happy and lucky for all the things I've got in life such as a loving boyfriend, a beautiful dog, a place I can call home, a family that supports me,...
But somehow, this is not enough to keep me from feeling really depressed a lot and messing things up...=(
It's hard for me to feel connected to people and to feel how much they love me at certain moments. At others, I can feel it all. It's really messing with my mind and I can't stop thinking I'd better go and talk to a psychologist about this.
It's like a switch turning off and on without me having controll about it.
At some moments, I don't care about anything, I'd leave my home and everything behind without knowing why. And a few days later, I can't stop crying for doing so.
I've left my boyfriend 2 times in the past 5 years we've been together and even though our relationship is far from perfect, he didn't deserve it.
The first few days I couldn't care less about it and then when I start realizing the pain I caused again and how much I love him, I regret the things I've done.
It's really hard dealing with all of that because I'm actually a very emphatitic person and I can't imagine causing harm or hurt to anyone on purpose or fulling realizing I am doing that. But it's like a dark side taking over, not caring about all of that...
It's also a vicious circle I'm getting in to, I leave him, I cause pain, his family's trust is broken again, my parents not understanding it, and I keep getting more depressed when I realize how much pain I cause and how sorry I am about it =(
I really don't know what to do about it either, I don't want to be this kind of person but it keeps on happening =( Sometimes I think it has to be because of things in the past but then again, I really have moved on so why does it keep on happening over and over again?
kimmy159 22-25, F 12 Responses 5 Nov 9, 2012