Saved By The Mysterical VoiceI first had depression when I was 17 yrs old and I thought I wanted to die, I thought I should take an enormous amount of painkillers. I had already taken a lot of sedatives and this day changed my life (for some time). You might find it crazy but I was alone in my room, thinking that there's no way out and staring at the painkillers, should I take them or not, and then I heard someone whispering my name by my ear, I could even feel the breath. I thought it was my dad and looked over my shoulder. There was noone. I heard it so clear, I felt it. I thought I was going crazy. I decided that I forget it and still felt blue when I heard it again. I was freaked out, I started screaming, my sis and bro got into my room and I never told them anything. Suddenly, this day, every problem that I had, everything I thought was so hard, solved just within one day. This day was like a miracle, it was unbelievable. (I was struggling with my driving instructor who made me feel like I wanted to kill myself and I had anorexia). Everything went for the better, like 180 degrees.
Now I'm back at the point when I think that there is no point in living, I have been there for 2 years and I don't see a way out. I used to be so confident, I lost my confidence thanks to the break up almost 2 years ago. I feel so blue again. Not just because of the break up: all the other things too, e.g my parents. My mom NEVER took care of me and they were upset because we (my sis and bro, too) were too active, studied well and they didn't like the idea of us going to college (by now I have graduated the bachelor's degree) I never had my parents support in anything. I organized a certain kind of national event for 7 years in my country for the kids who felt insecure with their body and my parents hated it and critizised me and it made my cry. Although the event was really popular, I do not organize it anymore, this was the final year.
Now I feel so depressed, I feel so alone. I wish I could hear that voice again. Although I don't know what the voice was, I believe it saved my life, I was scared but on the other hand, the voice was so calming.
I wish I could go on with my life but I still don't have the strenght and I think I won't ever have this anymore.
Belier 22-25, F 1 Response 6 Nov 11, 2012