This Is Also What I Live With

I have been depressed ever since I can remember.  It's an aweful mess of a life.  The ups and downs.  The low down lows, when all you can think about is dying or death or how the world would be better off without your sad existence.  I've been through so much. 

I take meds.  2 different kinds.  1 in the morning and 1 at night.  I have had to change prescriptions twice, three times at least because they stopped working.  That's like a stiff fall off a cliff.  It's dangerous even with supervision. 

Today, I find myself rather depressed.  I try to battle it the best way I can.  I know it's going to get better, because it always does. 

In the last year, I have stabilized again, but before that it was very very challenging.  I couldn't & wouldn't get out of bed, not for lack of wanting to.  I couldn't eat,  couldn't go anywhere, Had not job, no friends, no place to live, no family.  And basically all the normal necessary things become more than I could possibly manage or do.   I basically was like a vegetable.  I thought about dying all the time.  I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up, but mostly I just wanted all the pain to go away.  I was alone through of all it.  I was abandoned by everyone.  I can't blame them.  I just don't wish it upon my worse enemy or anyone.  It's such a bad place to be.

I journal, I read, I listen to and practice affirmations, I try try to remember and think about all that I have to be grateful for.  I have a lamp for SAD.  I have a nice place to live, nice things, food, warmth, a cozy bed and all the comforts I need and more.  I have rekindled a friendship that was years ago, very precious to me and it's great.  I am getting better all the time.  I do have a lot to be grateful, but there are days, like yesterday and today where my lip is hanging on the floor.  Were I'm so not myself that I am scared.  I'm worried.  I can only say thank you for this experience and get through it as best as I can.  Tomorrow is a new beginning!

PiscesDream PiscesDream
51-55, F
3 Responses May 16, 2007

Thank you both for your kind and supportive words. It means a lot to me.

Sweety i can almost relate to your sadness except i have bipolar d/o which i almost consider less of an illness than chronic depression because i have high days too ... i sympathize for you have you made a WRAP plan ?? its by a lady names mary ellen copeland and its a plan that helps you know the things you have to do everyday to keep your self well .!!! it is so helpful for me to have it because when i have a depressive episode it helps keep the normal things going ... if you ever wanna talk im here for you

Hi there. I can relate to all of your ups and downs. I too still have good days, bad days and every shade of gray inbetween. I know what it's like to just want to give in to it all and end everything. I am thankful that I have never gone through with those thoughts, although I've come so close it's frightening. I'm on meds to, I hate it, but it beats the alternative. They allow me to function and learn new ways of coping. I found that through creative cognitive therapy I have found release. You're not alone, there are many of us who can relate and completely understand. Tomorrow is a new day, one filled with endless possibilities :)