This story written in response to
"What advice would you give to someone who is struggling with depression?"

I Battle Depression

Going Through The Motions Of Life

By: SadGreenEyedGirl

Written on November 23rd, 2012

I don't know what is wrong with me today. I had a bad day yesterday. I'm not good with the holidays and yesterday was just that...typical. Today...all I want to do is sit here and cry. I really wish I was somewhere else instead of here. I was like this yesterday.

I have no want. I don't want to be around anyone. It's raining outside. I'm freezing. I'm at work. I would rather be at home, in bed, under the covers. I'm giving excuses as to why I am not going to lunch, why I am not meeting my niece, why I don't want to be around people. The truth of the matter, I feel like someone has just crushed me.

I have work I need to do today. Everyone is taking turns walking over to the mall and shopping and I don't even feel like doing that. It normally feels good to do a little retail therapy, but I have absolutely no interest. I just want to shut down and be done today. I need stimulating conversation to help me.

Yesterday, it seemed like all I did was argue with my husband, which turned into a disasterous reunion with my niece and nephew, then turned into another argument with another niece. My mother drives me insane.

I do not feel loved by my husband. I feel like we are live in roommates. There is no intimacy, no romance, no sexual relationship. Hell, maybe there is no marriage left and we are just going through the motions. I do as a wife should, I guess. I cook, I clean, I do the laundry. I have two jobs and shortly I will be attending school full time. I don't know what else I should be doing to try to keep peace.

Does anyone else ever feel like they are not worthy of love, affection, and support?

By: SadGreenEyedGirl

Age: 36-40 , Female

280 people have read this story

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27 responses

colocowgirl

I am sure that you are worthy of love. The question is Are they worthy of Your love?

Dec 27, 2012
1 like
Perigrination

I am so sorry to hear you say this. I do know what you mean, sadly.
For me, what helps is talking about it, finding folks to connect with.
And it looks like you are doing just that, here.
Take care, and keep reaching out!

Nov 24, 2012
1 like
KellyO76

I have depression too. So I know sometimes, everything feels hopeless, and overwhelming. I hope you are feeling better soon!

Nov 23, 2012
1 like
justmeonline

I'm sure many depressed people feel this way. I am sorry to hear it. I found Dorothy Rowe's books helped.

Nov 23, 2012
2 likes
inexperiencedaboutlife

no answer to that question, sometimes i think im here to be the voice of unhappiness and lonliness. thanks for commenting feels good to know i mattered for a minute because you took the time to answer.

Nov 23, 2012
2 likes
- SadGreenEyedGirl
  Just remember, you aren't the only one. I know I feel like I am the only one sometimes. It helps to know we aren't alone. :)
  
  Nov 23, 2012
  1 like
inexperiencedaboutlife

I know i keep looking for something to help me feel better, but no luck so far. Most people I have contact with are jsut as unhappy so I say whats the point? My parents should have stopped at one child why did they have me?

Nov 23, 2012
1 like
- SadGreenEyedGirl
  I wish I could answer you.
  
  Nov 23, 2012
  1 like
inexperiencedaboutlife

OMG I feel like you. I feel useless and worthless most of the time. I am on this site because sometimes knowing other people feel as bad as I do helps. I am always alone, even with friends, just want to go and be alone. Makes no sense. I am so lonely it hurts yet I cant find anyone I want to be around. Most days I function ok others I self harm. Im on meds and go to therapy so why do I still feel like this? Make it stop.

Nov 23, 2012
1 like
- SadGreenEyedGirl
  I find that I don't want to be around people either. I feel better once I am forced, but it is so hard. I wish I could say something to help make you feel better.
  
  Nov 23, 2012
  1 like
foruriiisonly

Classic depression symptonns, my advice is to seek help. Drew
“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.” Hope you cope, Drew x

Nov 23, 2012
1 like
- SadGreenEyedGirl
  I already have help. Just one of those days. Thanks though.
  
  Nov 23, 2012
  1 like
- foruriiisonly
  I'm glad I hope it's working, it ain't easy is it, I work in the field of Mental Health and try and help others on a daily basis xx
  
  Nov 23, 2012
  1 like
- SadGreenEyedGirl
  It isn't easy. Some days you feel like your up against a rock and hard place and have no idea which way to go to get out.
  
  Nov 23, 2012
  1 like
- foruriiisonly
  Its ok to get depressed for a little while sometimes. Being sad can leave you stronger and better able to cope with life's challenges! Drew x
  
  Nov 23, 2012
  1 like
1 More Reply
RoaringFlameLostinShadow

Boy do I know this feeling well, the sad part is - so much of the time life throws me not nearly enough evidence to support a radically opposing point of view. I'm fine with my family but outside that circle and maybe that of my customers at work and the family friends, I'm just an accident that's waiting to be erased. I don't need a perfect relationship or romance, I just need something healthy to share with someone where I feel like I'm getting as good as I give without major pressure or ultimatums to answer to.

Nov 23, 2012
1 like
- SadGreenEyedGirl
  I just want to feel like I am important, you know. I want to feel like I matter to someone. However, when I do, I get attached. And when I do, I end up doing something to sabotage it. I have severe trust issues. The one person that I was closest to, hurt me, severely.
  
  Nov 23, 2012
  1 like
- RoaringFlameLostinShadow
  I usually get people who sabotage their relations with me.
  
  Nov 23, 2012
  1 like
- SadGreenEyedGirl
  I don't even realize I have done it, until it is too late.
  
  Nov 23, 2012
  1 like
Stever170

You are not alone. I have depression issues as well . I feel the best part of life is in the past. I'm not afraid to die in some ways I feel it would be better , I have two kids so I go on paint a happy picture but inside I'm already dead. Been to physiatrist a few councilers taken meds nothing helped . I just found this web site and it does not fix me but I don't feel alone. My wife only cares that I bring home my pay check we don't really have sex and when we do its same thing I love her but I'm just not in love with he. Sorry I could not help just wanted you to know their are others out here that feel the same

Nov 23, 2012
1 like
- SadGreenEyedGirl
  You almost described me to a "T". That's a lot of the reason why I joined this website was to correspond with others like me. It helps to talk about it. I have times when I am upbeat and do well and then I find myself feeling like I am being swept up by depression. I just wish I would find some type of "normalcy" to my life. I also have two children and even with them, I sometimes feel like they would be better off without seeing me going through the depression, but then I tell myself, "I don't want anyone else raising them." I had absent parents and I think that had some affect on me. Thanks for sharing.
  
  Nov 23, 2012
  1 like
- Stever170
  Wow it's like we are brother and sister dad left before I was born mom had her own issues . She liked to take them out on me. Physically and mentally and I married someone just like her . Please don't think bad of me but I have heard that magic mushrooms or lsd unlock some things in your mind I am thinking of trying cant be worse than the prescribed meds I have. What do you think if you were me. Have you tried legal or not so legal drugs . Cause I would really like to climb into bed and just stay there. What do you do to get through another crappy day?
  
  Nov 23, 2012
  1 like
- SadGreenEyedGirl
  Both parents were alcoholics. They owned a bar so they were more intereted in being there rather than being home. There were 14 of us living in a two bedroom, one bathroom house. Some of which were not family. Honestly, I don't think the drugs would help. I take my meds like I am supposed to. Some days they help, some days they don't. I try to take a proactive approach. I've been "sick" for twenty years now. It all started when I was 16. I am a survivor of both sexual and physical abuse. I try to tell myself daily that things could be a million times worse. I could be without food on the table and without a roof over my head. I could be dying with some terminal disease. With all that said, I handle things differently than someone else and when I get down, I have my "whoa is me" moments and no one is worse than I am. I have to have them, cry out my cry, get over it, stand back up, and get the hell on with my life. I hate those times, but in all reality, I don't know anyone that doesn't go through some form or another of depression. Have you thought of trying a different doctor or have you already tried multiple? I tried multiple until I found a good fit and not one that over medicated me. I had one that medicated me so much I was like a zombie and blew up to a weight that was unreal. Talking about depressed. It was ungodly.
  
  Nov 23, 2012
  1 like
- Stever170
  I have had total 4 they gave me Zoloft Xanax dapacote( sure it's spelled wrong) Xanax made me loopy and zombie like Zoloft left me with a side effect that just pertains to men certain things stopped working . I really don't know what to do just keep grabbing for a fix that I can't ever reach its there just out of reach.
  
  Nov 23, 2012
  1 like
- SadGreenEyedGirl
  I have been on the Zoloft, Xanax, Depakote (;
  I have been on over 30 different medications and I couldn't tell you how many different concoctions. It sucks. I'm sorry.
  
  Nov 23, 2012
  1 like
- Stever170
  I suppose there is nothing to do but keep telling everyone I'm ok when I'm having a break down inside. I hope we keep in touch it helped just talking with you. I feel like I have to hide my problems from everyone . I really like this site . Thank you for talking to me and for the advise. I feel you are a good person with a big heart .
  
  Nov 23, 2012
  1 like
- SadGreenEyedGirl
  You don't have to hide it. But at the same time, just remember, no one, unless they have went through it, is going to understand.
  
  Nov 23, 2012
  1 like
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