I Need To Vent

I don't know what to do anymore. I know I should be talking to someone, but I can't. I have been to therapists and counselors and they all end with the same scenario: I lie and tell them what they want to hear. I don't really know how it always happens, but it does. I always start being honest, but somewhere along the way, I just give up. They either make it sound like there is a simple solution or they validate how hard it is. Either way, it doesn't do anything to help me. I know I should have someone in my life who I can talk to and be honest with, but I can't. It isn't that I don't have anyone who I could talk to, I just can't. I have the best friend in the world and I know she would do anything to help me, but that is the problem; she can't help me with this. I tell her how I am feeling and it just makes her feel bad because she wants me to feel better, but she can't. So then I just feel guilty for putting it on her shoulders and for being a burden. It just doesn't make sense. I think that is what angers me about depression the most. It is illogical. There is no reason that I should hate myself as much as i do, or feel as lonely and pathetic as I do. I have a good life. I am a very luck person. So why can't I just appreciate what I have. I have friends and family who care about me. But no matter how much I know they care, I can't help but think that they shouldn't. I feel like I am on a tv show and everyone in my life is just an actor pretending to like me. Perhaps some of them have grown to love me, but it doesn't feel real. Something is missing. And I think it is me. I don't know how to love myself. I hate myself. I am always depressed and want to hurt myself and that makes me angry because I shouldn't feel like that. I just don't know what to do. I know I need to get better, but I don't know how and, honestly, I don't even think I want to.
rch029 rch029
4 Responses Nov 25, 2012

Thanks for the responses. I really should print out my entry and share it with my counselor. At least I couldn't screw it up with lies.

I thought I was the only one who always ended up telling the counselor or therapist what they want to hear.. I can't be honest with anyone. I to struggle with depression only at night when i take off my mask and can finally go to sleep and not be a fake person.. The thoughts begin to flood my head

I have some self-hatred issues too.. when I don't have any real reason too. but it really does mess you up. I have really made it my priority to try to come to terms with things, ease my mind.. and become a better person in the areas.. that.. I feel I may have lost touch with my moral compus.. because so far I have learned the reason I dislike myself is because I know deep down there's parts of the way I think, that I wouldn't like someone else for.

but something I 'read the other day that might help is to try and have positive alone time.. do something youenjoy. and take the time to get to enjoy your thoughts and enjoy yourself..and if you enjoy you... you'll have a better idea and understanding of why others enjoy you.

I also have depression, sucks doesn't it?
You have to have some idea, as to why you hate yourself.

Do you think if you printed out, what you just wrote here, and took it to your next counceling session, it would help?
I 'get' the telll them what they want to hear, done it.

I don't go to counceling anymore, can't afford it, and it didn't seem to help (fear of driving there, was a bad start).

I hope the best for you!