I"m Just So Tired..........

I think that I'm suicidal to an extent just because..I have a strong feeling that I just want to die, but..I don't want to kill myself in order to accomplish that, but..I think I have been passively trying to kill myself by not taking care of myself. I guess that probably doesn't make much sense but..oh well. As to why iv'e fallen into this downward spiral. I would have to say it's because I'm not happy with my life right now. I don't have a bad or horrible life like some people it's just that I feel ashamed that I'm so miserable despite the fact that I have not experienced some horrible traumatic events or..because I have some sort of mental ailment so why am I so miserable with my life? Simply because I feel no one will let me live my life..Whats the point of living if I'm not even really living it? I might as well be dead I wish I could just end it all. It would be so easy to do. Sometimes I fantasize about dying and wonder if my family would appreciate me more if I was dead. They don't seem to show me while I am living so...so..sometimes I just want to die to despite them all. Right now I just want to die. It's an odd singular thought that's an constant loop in my mind. I just want to die. It's like it's on repeat 24-7 Sometimes without really thinking that sentence it always seems to come out I know I need some help which I am seeking and taking alot of medicine but it's really not helping and I don't know what to do..So far all I think of doing is just sucking it up and...put up with all my crap for now...But I really don't know how much longer I can take it so..I would appreciate any advice..Thanks
Anto815 Anto815
46-50, F
Nov 26, 2012