In Need Of Help

Hey all,

I am an university student. The reason why I decided to join this is mainly due to the fact that I never share my personal problems with anyone. I'm in serious need of someone who will talk to me and understand me.

I'm suffering from depression-no one knows this (not even my family). The only reason why I am certain of this is that when I do not perform well in my studies, I feel overwhelmed by self-doubt and self hatred. I'm constantly believing that I'm stupid and incompetent with anything. This is a serious issue for me. :(
I feel like whatever hard work that I put into my studies just does not pay off. I feel worthless and stupid. Also I have this fear of people thinking that I'm stupid.

This is the only reason why I feel depressed. And it is a serious matter to me because I cut myself because of this. Like today, I failed an oral test, it was relatively easy, I messed up on the easiest and basic part for god knows what reason, but I was able to answer the difficult ones. So naturally, my lecturer failed me. I hate myself so much for this and I cut myself-somewhere no one will see- and I feel the urge to do it again and again and even deeper than before. I have cut myself once before and it was also due to the fact that I failed an exam.

I need someone who feels the same way, like afraid of feeling stupid and being seen as stupid. Someone who seriously stresses out out on studies and NEEDS to perform well. I guess the best character to describe me is Brian Johnson from the Breakfast Club.

HowlWing HowlWing
18-21, F
1 Response Nov 26, 2012

What your describing does not sound like depression but more like self esteem and stress issues. You stress yourself out over doing poorly on exams so that when you do, you feel stupid which lowers your self esteem. Cutting is a stress re-leaver, my wife would do it to re-leave stress. Its effect is different from person to person but the outcome is the same. Now constantly having low self esteem and high stress can lead to a form of self induced depression. Which is whats starting to happen with you. There is nothing wrong with failing, everyone fails at some point some more than others, that doesn't make you stupid or incompetent. Its part of being human and part of the way we learn. Allow yourself failure in your life, just don't let it consume you. if you feel as though you have depression talk to your doctor about it, he/she can point you in the right direction for treating it.

Point taken, your right not everyone needs a doctor.