Treasure Those Moments

So last night I managed to get some a descent amount of sleep, no bad dreams, but I still feel low, the fact that I know February will be 16 years since mum passed away, and that Boxing Day is the one year annerversy that my auntie passed away of cancer. Can't help thinking what my life would be like if my mum was here, would I be where I am today? To be honest I think and hope I have made my mum proud! I came out of school with 11 GCSE's who the school thought I would have none I also have qualified in nvq level 2 hairdressing and I am doing a barbaring course. I have the support of my family, friends and boyfriend. But why do I still feel alone? There's a massive whole in my heart that can never be replaced, I miss her so much, I really want a cuddle from her and for her to tell me everything will be okay :( knowing I can never have a mother daughter relationship is so hard! Seeing other people with mums hurt, makes me think of what I have missed out on... Mum passed away when she was 24 she suffered from really bad headaches even though she went to the doctors they just have her tablets. Then on February the 8th she was with her dad my grandad on the way to walk while I stayed with my nan, I was 3, the only thing I remember is her kissing me on the forehead and hugging me, she and my Grandad were riding a push bike each, I got told that she screamed I can't see and fell off the bike. She was on life support, she had one little bit of her brain working, she had a brain tumour it was too late, my nan and grandad made a recording of me speaking to me but that that work it was too late, that when they had to make the desision to turn of the machine the only thing that was keeping alive, I was told mummy have gone with the Angles and is in haven, I lived with my grandparents. Life was hard and still is. I keep thinking what if the doctors did more she could still be here, right? I wanted to share this to all of you mothers and sons and daughters, that tell your mother you love her everyday and treat her right, yes you argue and prob get on each other nerves but don't ever which your mum dead, cause life is empty without a mum or without a dad, treasure every moment you have with with your children/mums/dads cause you never know when they be taken away, my mum isn't here but she is the most important person in my life I give anything to have her back. Even though I'm doing well in life well I think I am, it doesn't get easier, knowing some day I will have a child of my own and knowing that she will never see or hold my child kills me: knowing she won't be thereof I get married kills me. But I know she be watching over me and I hope I have made her proud even though I haven't been the best I hope she's smiling down at me, going that's my baby girl. Writing this has been hard, today I was at work and started crying cause I will never have back, but what keeps me going is knowing I will some day meet again.
Vanessa29martin Vanessa29martin
18-21, F
Nov 26, 2012