Things Don't Ever Change

It all started when I was a little girl and my grandfather molested me. I hated going to see them but I had no choice. My mom and dad were divorced and every other weekend we had to go there. He use to give me money all the time for my silence. I remember telling my mom this and she just said to tell him to give to my sisters. That was the last time I have ever truly been open about anything. Later my cousin took my vurginity. After that I was raped. This all took place under the age of 16. I have never trusted a single man since. I tried killing myself on so many occasions because I blamed myself. Now I am in my 30s married and have a young girl. My thoughts have not changed about self loathing. I punish myself by not eating for days. I purposley get into arguements with my husband just to lose my apetite because when I eat I feel like I have know self control. Things don't ever change.
wolveslilb wolveslilb
31-35, F
2 Responses May 17, 2007

yea, this sh*t happened to me too. Sucks doesn't it? I am 27 and also a mother. I punish myself by cutting so i relate to you there too. i am finally getting help for all the sh*t that happened to me when i was a kid. have you ever? if not you definately need to. you gotta try and get over this crap before you will be able to live your life. I mean, think about it, all those people still have control over you as long as you don't get help for it because they are still messing with your head. But guess what. you are no longer a little girl with no one to protect you. You are a woman. You are a mother. You are beautiful. YOU WILL GET OVER THIS SH*T!!!!!!!!!!! Take back control of your life. Don't let the past dictate who are now.

I am so sorry you went through that! I can not even imagine what that has done to you. Your grandfather was he your mom's dad? I was just wondering if he ever did this to her when she was a girl. Have you ever been through any kind of counseling for this? I really hope things get better for you. There are probably people on this site who will be able to relate to your situation. Maybe someone reading your story can offer some input or advice on how they dealt with a similar problem.