I Hate Myself

A little background history on me; I was physically and mentally abused by my father as a child. When I became a teen, I got a job and my parents took every penny I made. They controlled my life in every way. I wasn't allowed to do anything. And my father scared most of my friends away. I was determined though that I was going to do something with my life. I was going to go to college and get a good job. When I was 20 I met my husband which was my ticket out of the horrible living situation I was in (20 years old and still controlled by my parents). When I moved in with my husband, I dropped out of community college for the time being. I planned to go back eventually, but you know how that always goes. I was free. I wanted to enjoy life for a while. Be young. And that I did, but I have never went back to school.
Now, I am 28 years old. I have no job, no kids. I am about 30 pounds overweight and I never ever used to be overweight. Quite frankly, I hate myself. I find myself disgusting. I rarely have sex with my husband. Its not that I don't enjoy sex, but I can't stop thinking, "I am so grossed out by myself". I can barely stand seeing myself naked in the mirror when I go to take a shower. This is not how I pictured myself at 28 years old.
And the worst part. No one knows how depressed I really am. I keep it to myself. I try to look happy and care-free, but that's not the case. I am miserable. I feel that I just a dead soul trapped in this body. I have no motivation anymore to do anything. All I want to do is sleep, because that is my only escape.
I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so lost in this life and I feel that there is no one to turn to. My husband has such a stressful job that I don't want to bother him with anything. And I have tried before, but it never goes well. Now my husband is a good man. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea. He just doesn't deal with this stuff in the best way.
So what to do? I haven't seen a doctor because I am scared they will want to put me on happy pills. I don't want to be medicated to feel happy.
MissBlueAngel MissBlueAngel
31-35, F
1 Response Nov 30, 2012

For some people anti-depressents work well. Personally, I will never take them again. Perhaps you could try them, though, before you decide they aren't for you?

If you tell your doc about it, there are things that can be done other than happy pills. You might benefit from talk therapy. Also, there are things that you can change that will help you feel better. Doing exercise will not only reduce your weight, but will lift your mood. Ditto with eating healthier. Getting involved in something, whether it is a job you love or some service activity -- those can help give you purpose and help you feel better about yourself. Talking about your depression with your husband will give him an opportunity to show you he loves you and to help you feel better. If it doesn't work well with him, perhaps it would with close friends. Reframing yourself, your situation, and your experiences will help you feel better about yourself and your situation.

There are many people on here who struggle with depression, some of whom have its roots in childhood abuse. You aren't alone.

You are so right. I really should see a doctor and talk to them about my options. For all I know, the medications could be a life changer. I've always been again it, but I suppose we only live this life once and if it takes medication to make it livable, its worth it. I really appreciate the interest you have taken in me. You are the first one on here to have ever done that. And you have given me some new insights. I am actually thinking of trying some yoga and I have done some research on foods, vitamins and herbs that help with depression. So I plan to try some of this stuff out and see if it helps me any :)