My Dark Side

It's taken me a while to get up the nerve to post. I mean part of the whole problem is feeling like my perspective, and in fact my whole being, is useless, and nobody would be interested anyway, so why should I write?..... As a little background, I'm not depressed all the time, and intellectually I know all of what I am about to say is not true. But that doesn't matter. When I am in this state, it feels true. It feels like the only truth in the whole world. It's like the rug gets pulled out from under me, and I'm falling....any happiness, any confidence I may have been feeling, must have been a delusion, because THIS is how it really is. On top of that I beat myself up for feeling down. How dare I? There are people out there with REAL problems. I have everything a person could want and need. I shouldn't feel miserable. I have no right. But it hurts inside. Something feels broken. I feel desperate to reach out, for someone to hold me and tell me I'm lovable. But deep down I know that's not going to happen, because I'm not. Sure, when I'm my better, happy, self....but not in this state. No one could love the "real" me. And no matter how great I think things may be going...it always comes back to this sooner or later. Something always triggers it eventually. And no one will ever truly understand. Or......?......
HC60126 HC60126
36-40, F
1 Response Nov 30, 2012

this is terrible... hold yrsel tightly it will help