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Severely Depressed- Wish Life Would Just Hurry Up And End.

I'm 26 years old and this is probably the first time that I have ever laid everything out there. I was born into a family with a serious amount of issues. My dad was an addict. When I was younger, although I didn't know it atthe time, he was addicted to Heroine and Cocaine I think. In his later years he went on to ddvelop a taste for alcohol. This may sound strage, but even though he had these issues, he was still a good father to me. He advised me, let me know that I was important to him. But still, growing up with a father who drank every evenning was stressful. He died six years ago from a massive heart attack and I have not felt the same since. I should also talk about my sister, as she has had a huge impact on my life. She is nin years older than me. She was raped by a much older man when she was 14 and had a termination when she was quite pregnant by him meaning that she had to actually give birth to the stillborn fetus. This had huge impacts on her. She developed anorexia and bullimia, which brushed off on me. Ever since I was six years old I have felt fat, ugly and unworthy, which I think I got from her as this is how she felt. My sister has three children but ever since she was about 17 she has been a drug addict. At one point she was living on the streets as she had been kicked out of her house, and we didn't know where she was. There has been a constant stress when it comes to her as I have always been worried that she was dead or that something bad was happening to her, or that when she was clwan, that she would relapse, which she always ends up doing. She is apprently back in prison now. I have no way of contacting her to know if she is sae or not. I am explaining these situations in a bit of a nutshell; obviously the priblems we have had with her alone has been worse. I will leave it up to you readers to fill in the blanks. I'll swiftly talk about my brother. He cleaned out my Nan's bank account and left us all with no money so as he could fund his own drug habbit, which he blamed on my sister. He put immense stress on my mother who was ill, and I will never ever forgive him. Now, to go on to the real reason why I am depressed. My mother was taken from me on the 25th September this year. She had developed ulcers on her legs and they had become infected. She went tinto hospital and caught pneumonia and was taken into intensive care for nine weeks where she died nine weeks later. She was everything to me. My best friend, my mother, the only person I could really trust. Since she has left, i feel a deep blackness inside. There are no words for the pain. I feel like I can't breathe properly and I am so miserable I often go to be and just pray that I won't wake up in the morning. I'm not interested in anythign I used to be interetsed in. Instead of laying in bed and crying, which is what I want to do, I am immersing myself in work and studying to distract myself from the pain. In truth, I'm exhausted because I am not sleeping properly. Aside from all of these more serious issues, other issues which I had before mum died are on the surface all of the time now. I have been in a serious relationship with a wonderful man for the past ten years, but we haven't had sex in 3 years. I had feelings for a friend of mine but he is not interested in me. He has a girlfriend snow and their relationship is in my face all of the time. I can'y hang out with my friends anymore because he and this girl are always there. Also, I meade a mistake and slept with someone at work two years ago on more than one occassion. I tried really hard to stay away from him becausew i didn't want to hurt my boyfriend. I now regret it because even though i don't have real feelings fro this guy, I am attracted to him and think I want a relationship with him but because I kept such a distance he now no longer wants anything to do with me. I have to see him every day at work and it kills me. Especially since he alays has different women around him. I think a big reason why he doesn't want me anymore is because I am fat now and because I have become uglier through lack of sleep. I feel like everyone hates me and only taleks to me because they feel obligated to. I am not intereted in anythign I used to be, and I just wish that everythingould stop. I can't remember ever feeling truly happy, and I feel that I never will. I hate my own reflection, I hate my life and just want it to end. Does ahyone else feel like this?
amynicoll amynicoll 26-30 2 Responses Dec 2, 2012

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My condolences on the loss of your mom. Mine died at the end of May this year. Very unexpected for everyone but her. She didn't tell anyone about the cancer. Not even dad. Talk or type your feelings out. Talk to your BF about how you feel. Just open a notepad and put it all in there once or twice a week. Cry. Crying helps. (yes, i know it's considered unmanly but there are times i just cry until i can't anymore).

The past shapes a person, the life as you make it can change that shape. Do good for yourself and good things happen.

If you want to find contact information for someone in prison, see if your state has something like an online offender database. Google offender database + your state.

*hugs* maybe talking to your man would help.