Stuck...

 
Feels like I'm getting worse and worse.
I keep thinking about telling my mum or, anyone, how I feel. But, I can't. I don't know why. Maybe I will some day. Mmm...

I so wish I was dead like every single moment.
I mean- at least 5 years I have felt like this. Sucks...

So- Christmas is coming up.
Hopefully I'll feel better soon and get more into the Christmas mood.

I did decide before though- if I'm not at all better by like 21 so 3ish years. Then. Bye world... I mean, if I don't die by accident before then.

I was thinking, I'd love to have a baby. It'd actually give me purpose and something to live for. I wouldnt overly struggle with money, as pissed as my mum and dad would be they'd totally help and can. And- they say- don't waste your teenage years. Well, I've not much of a life, and haven't really had any good teenage years, maybe a good moment every now and then, but not what it should be, so it's not like I'll be stuck at home with a baby instead of having fun- cause, I doubt id be having fun anyway.
Then theres the daddy issue. I always wanted the marriage first then a home then babies. I kinda realise now though- nobody will or can ever love me. And I have plenty of brothers who would be the 'male role model' and all that.

Yes. I'm only 18. Too young right?
So. By 19/20 maybe?

Then again, if I still am utterly depressed, I wouldn't bring a life into this world just to try and make me feel better. Cause that's just selfish.

Whatever.
My plans change all the time and way too much anyway.

brokenalways brokenalways
18-21, F
Dec 2, 2012