Feels like I'm getting worse and worse.
I keep thinking about telling my mum or, anyone, how I feel. But, I can't. I don't know why. Maybe I will some day. Mmm...

I so wish I was dead like every single moment.
I mean- at least 5 years I have felt like this. Sucks...

So- Christmas is coming up.
Hopefully I'll feel better soon and get more into the Christmas mood.

I did decide before though- if I'm not at all better by like 21 so 3ish years. Then. Bye world... I mean, if I don't die by accident before then.

I was thinking, I'd love to have a baby. It'd actually give me purpose and something to live for. I wouldnt overly struggle with money, as pissed as my mum and dad would be they'd totally help and can. And- they say- don't waste your teenage years. Well, I've not much of a life, and haven't really had any good teenage years, maybe a good moment every now and then, but not what it should be, so it's not like I'll be stuck at home with a baby instead of having fun- cause, I doubt id be having fun anyway.
Then theres the daddy issue. I always wanted the marriage first then a home then babies. I kinda realise now though- nobody will or can ever love me. And I have plenty of brothers who would be the 'male role model' and all that.

Yes. I'm only 18. Too young right?
So. By 19/20 maybe?

Then again, if I still am utterly depressed, I wouldn't bring a life into this world just to try and make me feel better. Cause that's just selfish.

My plans change all the time and way too much anyway.

brokenalways brokenalways
18-21, F
Dec 2, 2012