Still Fighting It... And Still Losing...

Its always 1 step forward and 2 steps back. When I think I am making progress... I end up doing something that just offsets everything I worked twords... I don't seem to get any better. Still feel depressed... still cynical... Still pushing people away. I saw 1 Doc a few years ago and after a month she told me what my dad always told me "Deal with it."... never went back after that... and I tried to manage life on my own.... was doing ok at 1st... but after a while... I feel off again. I can't do this alone... The fact that I cant overcome this alone makes me feel like I dont deserve to live. Honestly if I was not so afraid, I would have killed myself by now.

So I threw away the last bit of pride and self respect I have and Called my mom and talked to her some... im going to see a Doc Thursday... Mental Illness runs in my moms dads side of the family. My mom and my little sister both suffer from depression as well... Funny isint it? And they are both on meds right now and appearing to be holding up ALOT better than they use to be.

But still... My mind set is (For myself anyways) That if you cant stand on your own, then you dont deserve to stand. This thinking only applies to myself. Other people may ask forhelp and get it. Hell I will even provide that help if I can, but I expect more from myself than anyone in this world... I expect the impossible from myself as well... Tho I am only human, I wish I were not. I am suppose to be capable of ANYTHING... but I am not and it makes me feel like trash...

Well im going to end this here. Going to see a Doc this Thursday and see how things go... I don't wana make the same mistake with my boyfriend that I did with a girlfriend of mine a year or so ago because of this...
Krie Krie
2 Responses Dec 3, 2012

I can relate however I still haven't got rid of my pride to seek help however a step at a time I'll get there. But I'm glad to hear your seeking help keep me posted on how things go

I'm glad you are taking this step. Be patient. It may take a bit of time, but things will improve.