My Battle With Depression

Hello, my name is Leah. I'm 16 years old and was diagnosed with major depressive disorder a year ago. Ever since I was a little girl I didn't like myself. I was 8 years old, I wouldn't wear shorts because I hated my legs. I refused to wear anything that showed my legs because I was self conscious. It probably sounds silly but I'm guessing that's when it all started. I'd obsess and cry because I hated myself. It's now 8 years later and I still hate myself, to the point that I hurt myself and obsessively scrub my body in the shower hoping to wash the ugliness off. I constantly compare my self to other people. A little over a year ago before I was diagnosed with depression I had started to feel sad. It started in the summer, I would cry for no reason. I felt helpless and worthless and wanted to die. I felt that I didn't deserve to be alive and that I was only taking up space and that people would be happier if I were never born. It got worse, to the point I would lay in bed all day and cry and practically drown in my own sadness. My appetite decreased, I lost interest in everything I had used to be interested in. Before my depression music was my everything, I would sing, write songs and play my guitar. It gave me the greatest feeling in the world. But when I became depressed I lost all interest in my music. I lost interest in my friends and wanting to go out with them to the movies and the beach and boardwalk. Even just simply spending the night at their house or them over mine. I would ignore their calls and texts and isolate myself. My school work became difficult and so stressful for me, my grades dropped because I didn't care anymore I was giving up on my life because I felt it wasn't important and didn't matter that I wasn't going to amount to anything no matter how hard I tried, so I thought why try at all. I became very angry and hateful towards others and even more towards myself. If someone just simply asked me what was wrong i'd start bawling and I didn't know why. I was sad for no reason. My parents became very worried and had eventually made an appointment for me at the doctors and that's when I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. I was put on Wellbutrin, it helped me so much. I started smiling more and wanting to do things again. My life became normal again, but still with occasional blues. Then I was also diagnosed with body image disorder, which I am not being treated for. Now that I've been on my medicine so long it hasn't been working quite as well especially since my body image disorder brings me down. But I'm going to try and get better before it gets extremely bad like it was before. I don't ever wanna be that way again, it's terrible. That is my depression story. Please if anyone has these feelings get help. I know you probably don't want to and don't care but please just give it a shot. I'm better than I was before and I don't want anyone to have to feel the way that I felt. No one deserves that. 
Leah1996 Leah1996
18-21, F
2 Responses Dec 5, 2012

Leah so well written! i'm glad you were able to be helped and are aware of what's happening and are working towards preventing that from happening again. You're a smart girl! hang in there!

Thank you that's very nice of you :)

This is literally my first time on this site and it's so reassuring to know that everyone has pain. I'm not saying that i'm happy that others are suffering out there, but I'm trying to say that it's nice to know that i'm not alone. Sometimes I look around and think why am I the only one out there who is sad? When you said that you sometimes used to cry for no reason. Honey, that's me. I'm not sure if you're the same way, but I think one of the reasons that we sometimes cry for no reason is because we keep everything bottled up inside. So when someone recognizes that you are not okay, you are forced to deal with your worries. but there's so many that your emotions explode. at least that how i am. I too have battled being self conscious about my appearance. Want to know the number one thing that stops me when I think I want to be skinny? Google search really skinny girls. You'll be grossed out and shocked at how skinny people really can get. It literally makes me cringe and then I grab a cookie =)

Thank you so much for what you said it is very sweet and don't worry everyone is beautiful in their own ways and even though I worry about my looks I know that it isn't the most important thing. A great personality is what counts the most for me when I talk to people, looks are just a bonus!