I Really Should Be Studying For A Geology Final...

It's only my first time here on this website so I'm not exactly sure how this thing works. I have a geology final tomorrow that I should be studying for.. and yet.. here I am.. writing about my depression. That's what happens when you're depressed. It really does take over things that you value and prioritize. If you guys knew me you would probably say that I'm a nerd. I hardly ever go out because when I do go out, I sometimes stress about all the stuff I could be doing. Which takes away the fun of having a night on the town. I make flashcards for everything. I highlight everything. Post note everything. You get the picture. I've just been raised to really value my education. Part of the reason I work so hard is because I have a reading disorder. If I wasn't so organized and didn't work so hard, I have no clue where I would be. Some people say that having a good work ethic is better than any grade you can receive. But that's so hard to see when we are constantly comparing our grades to one another. I know i'm just rambling and i'm so sorry for that. I guess i'm just trying to get a lot out in a short period of time. I have seriously contemplated writing a book I have so much to say on this topic.
On the outside, it seems like I have it all. Great grades. Loving family. Cool and sweet friends. I'm pretty and in great shape (physically). I'm creative. Artistic. Empathetic. And more. It's the weirdest thing, when someone gives me any type of compliment, I cry. I truly deep down don't feel like I don't have a good gpa, it's not a 4.0. I could be more in shape. And despite all the support I do have, I feel alone all the time. As you can tell, I am a perfectionist. I think my depression has greatly resulted from my need to always have things be perfect. In fact, I get panic attacks when things don't run smoothly. Maybe my life is so perfect that it's almost like when one bad thing does happen, I can't handle it. I take things so personally and to the very extreme. Boyfriend breaks up with me. I run to the lake and contemplate jumping infront of a car. Fail a test. Cry all night and maybe even cut my wrist once or twice. Life brings so many stresses and my anxiety really does make these things feel dramatic. I'm really trying to show myself that all these things that in the moment feel like life or death situations are simply not. I am going to look back on today and laugh at how I overreacted over a silly boy.
Depression is hard. But life is hard. There is not a single person in the world that doesn't have some type of issue they are dealing with. And actually they may not even be dealing with it #bigger problem. If I was to leave you all with something that i've learned throughout all my low points in my life. It's breath. Take many deep breaths. When you get in those moments you don't think rationally. Try to slow down your heart rate. Really try to think, will hurting myself really make things better? Last monday night I took a bunch of Ibuprofen because I was really sad. Then I ended up going to the ER because I was in so much pain. Yes the pain felt nice at first, but then I realized I didn't want it anymore. The situation actually is making my roommates not want to live with my for next semester. So the next time you ever think about hurting yourself... breath and think. Think about is doing this really going to help my depression or make it worse? I've recently got a tattoo of the word strength written on my left wrist in my dad's handwriting. When I get depressed I look at it and trace the letters with my right hand index finger. I really try to think about how i've come so far and how strong I really am. If you have depression and you are still here, you are strong. Remember that.
amystrength amystrength
18-21, F
3 Responses Dec 5, 2012

I like the last 2 sentences!
"If you have depression and you are still here, you are strong. Remember that. "

All the best for your Geology finals!

I admire your strength and wisdom. Your story gives couage to others

sorry for all the spelling and grammar mistakes... I could have checked it. lawlz..