Im Done With This...Im tired of always being in pain... im tired of always feeling the way I feel. putting myself down, calling myself a failure, thinking of myself as disgusting and the suicidal thoughts... Sick of the fact that I can't handle this on my own. I spent 4+ Years trying to deal with this on my own. I would try to ask for help but all I would get is a "Get over it" and "Deal with it" from everyone I would try to speak to so I just kinda kept it inside. Like back when I use to cut myself, I showed my dad the scars on my wrists and his responce was "You need to find a way to deal with that".
I know in my last story I said I was throwing away my pride in order to go and get some real help.... Well I did. I spoke to my mom... we went to see a doc last night. My blood preasure was on the high side and I didnt realize that I had lost 12 lbs over this. I didn't realize I had let myself go... this far...
I spoke with him, he said he would help. I am going back there today... in 4 hours actually. Counseling as well as Medication... I didn't wana resort to this. I wanted to fight this on my own but thats ok. I am trying not to let my thoughts get the best of me and to be honest I am scared. Im scared to go today. I have toyed around with the idea of just not going but im not going to let myself chicken out. I chickened out on killing myself plenty of times, not going to allow that to happen here.
I know this wont be a cure in any way, but anything to help me deal with my problems is a plus in my book. I am tired of pushing people away. I am introverted and I accept that about myself but I don't want to shut the entire world around me out anymore. well... you know what I mean, not to this extent.
I don't want to lose any more friends. This depression has caused me a few really.... really good friends............ whom can never be replaced. But I cant dwell on that, All I can do is do what I can to keep the ones I have now around me for as long as possible because im going to need them... not like I can rely on my dad for much of anything... he does not know about this by the way and he wont. I get depressed and he just tells me to stop acting silly.... as if I do this to myself. Like I enjoy feeling like this all the time.
WELL NO MORE! I am not going to run away from this. I have this chance to atleast get a chance to break this cycle and damn it im going to take it!
When I leave from there I have to come home and get ready for work... I might post an update here on what happens next.
I just got back from work so I have time... I got my persc