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Im Done With This...

Im tired of always being in pain... im tired of always feeling the way I feel. putting myself down, calling myself a failure, thinking of myself as disgusting and the suicidal thoughts... Sick of the fact that I can't handle this on my own. I spent 4+ Years trying to deal with this on my own. I would try to ask for help but all I would get is a "Get over it" and "Deal with it" from everyone I would try to speak to so I just kinda kept it inside. Like back when I use to cut myself, I showed my dad the scars on my wrists and his responce was "You need to find a way to deal with that".

I know in my last story I said I was throwing away my pride in order to go and get some real help.... Well I did. I spoke to my mom... we went to see a doc last night. My blood preasure was on the high side and I didnt realize that I had lost 12 lbs over this. I didn't realize I had let myself go... this far...

I spoke with him, he said he would help. I am going back there today... in 4 hours actually. Counseling as well as Medication... I didn't wana resort to this. I wanted to fight this on my own but thats ok. I am trying not to let my thoughts get the best of me and to be honest I am scared. Im scared to go today. I have toyed around with the idea of just not going but im not going to let myself chicken out. I chickened out on killing myself plenty of times, not going to allow that to happen here.

I know this wont be a cure in any way, but anything to help me deal with my problems is a plus in my book. I am tired of pushing people away. I am introverted and I accept that about myself but I don't want to shut the entire world around me out anymore. well... you know what I mean, not to this extent.

I don't want to lose any more friends. This depression has caused me a few really.... really good friends............ whom can never be replaced. But I cant dwell on that, All I can do is do what I can to keep the ones I have now around me for as long as possible because im going to need them... not like I can rely on my dad for much of anything... he does not know about this by the way and he wont. I get depressed and he just tells me to stop acting silly.... as if I do this to myself. Like I enjoy feeling like this all the time.

WELL NO MORE! I am not going to run away from this. I have this chance to atleast get a chance to break this cycle and damn it im going to take it!

When I leave from there I have to come home and get ready for work... I might post an update here on what happens next.


*************UPDATE*************

I just got back from work so I have time... I got my perscription... but before that I spoke with my counselor and she was really nice. gave me all the info I needed. I will be seeing her next week. As for these pills... im kinda scared to take it. Also its going to take about 4 weeks before I begin to notice any changes in my mood... I better get some water and take one of these now before I change my mind. No going back now.
Krie Krie 22-25, M 9 Responses Dec 7, 2012

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Thanks for the update. I hope things improve soon. If not give yourself time and don't give up on yourself

Thanks for all the support. And friends of mine who dont come to this site I have to thank them too. I took the 1st pill last night... which they put me on Citalopram... Told me I wont notice any changes for 2-4 weeks. Takin that 1st pill took a bit but.... yeah.

I take Citalopram for 6 months or more...nothing

Really? wow what dosage did they have you taking? im on 20mg and its almost been a week and I can tell a difference. then again im also underweight and that might have something to do with it...

You described exactly how I feel, I can relate to every word written. Life for me is a burden that I have to carry until the time comes...

Good luck, I hope everything works out for you. Change those negitive thoughts into positive ones, and take one day at a time.

Glad to hear and see you took the first step, it's not always easy and I do hope that you will find some relief and can climb back out and join the world :)

You should be proud of yourself you asked for help and that's alone is a huge step. Just hang in there and do not let this chance get away. I wish you the very best of luck

Hope your appointment goes well. Congrats on taking the first step to find life again. Good luck.

I am glad to hear Your getting help.Depression is an illness just like any other.Some times a chemical inbalance is the cause.I have been on 3 types of meds for 2 plus years now.Finding out that I had depression was depressing in its self.However with time it sure gets better! Meds alone havent been my only salvation,Ive also learned many coping skills.Im more than happy to share with You and others things I have learned since starting treatment.

Why do people take perscription pain meds? It's note because it's a cure. It's so they get some relief from their pain
Why do diabetics take insulin? Again, it's not a cure, but it keeps them alive. Do you get where I'm going with this?
We have depression, we take our antidepresant medication and see a couselor so we can cope with life, again it's not a cure.

Yeah I know that, thats why I stated above that I know that its not a cure.

I agree. ther is no shame in taking what is needed to have a more fulfilling life!

I second that! I've had some discussions/debates about this topic, and that's what I say!