A Gift I Want To Return

Only my family and doctors now that I am depressed yet know one knows me.I don't even know me.I may come of happy and confident but that is the complete opposite of me.I don't know why I'm like this I never went through a traumatic experience to send me spiraling into depression it just was there one day.it all started in 6th grade I began to feel guilty constantly,I started crying my self to sleep,I became paranoid, I stopped going out and talking to friends and I relieved after a whole summer of this something was up.I went online and relized I was most likly facing depression.I remember instead of doing homework while home alone I found myself looking in the mirror and begging to feel hate toward myself. I screamed and cryed and picked on myself for all my flaws. I would go to the knife draw hold it up to my heart but then would drop it and fall to my knees in a pool of tears. Soon I heard my mom talking about my friend having depression. In those moments I wanted to scream at her don't you see it's me who needs help!soon I tried to drown myself in the sink or strangle myself.I thought out a plan to hang myself. The saying I continued to repeat was that life is a gift from god and my mind would always shot back but I want to return it.On day I was extremely down and about to finish it all when I opened my health book in class to see the words sucide is the answer across the page in dark red ink. Anger boiled inside my and I almost began to cry some kid had probably been goofing around with their friend and written that thinking they were funny not knowing the impact it had on me that day. When I got home from school I cried for four hours straight and when my mom got home and started to ask what the heck I had been doing instead of my homework I finally cracked and told her.in the next few days we went to my doctor who said that I defidently had a strong case of depression and needed to go to a therapist and a psychcologist immediately . I meet with theripist once a week (I still do) and my psych proscribed me pills and checks up on me once a month.
Soccergirl44 Soccergirl44
13-15, F
2 Responses Dec 7, 2012

I'm glad you were able to finally tell your mom and get help, hopefully this early intervention will help you set the stage for a healthy depression free life from here on out. I wish I had gotten help at 16...but back then no one knew what it was or what to do about it, at least that what my mom said when I mentioned it once. Hang in there, and find things about yourself that you love and remind yourself often that you love them :)

Unfortunately there is a lot of depression in our society. I remember once at work finding out that were all on anti-depressants of one sort or another. I'm glad you told your mom how you were really feeling and that she took action. Your depression just didn't show up ou of nowhere. Hope your therapist is someone you can talk too--you are not alone and i'm glad you posted.