For Those That Don't Understand....

I really wish that I had more to offer than an apology for my seemingly odd behaviour. I know that I'm not easy to understand, live with, put up with, or tolerate. I know that I'm never happy. I'm well-aware of the fact that I don't smile, laugh, or enjoy life. I know that I need to get out more, spend less time alone, take better care of myself. I know that I have no right to be a *****. I know that I should be happy. I know that I should be able to "snap out of it." I know that I should be grateful for what I have. I know that I should stop overeating, spending so much time isolated away from other people. I know that I should adjust my attitude, quit sighing, rolling my eyes, and disengaging.

You know what the sad thing is? I've tried, damn it. I've tried sleeping more. I've tried sleeping less. I've tried years of therapy. I've tried changing my attitude. I've tried changing my life. I've tried turning to God. I've tried turning away from God. I've read books. I've blogged online. I've tried medication. I've tried exercise. I've tried moving. I've tried changing jobs. I've tried a combination of all the above, several times, and the sad thing is, I still feel like this.

Maybe this is a character defect. Maybe this is a test from God. It feels like it's from hell. Maybe this is a misfiring in my neurochemistry. Maybe it's an existential crisis from within. Maybe it's punishment. Maybe I've just not found the solution. Maybe I've failed to accept that there isn't one.
Sorayeth Sorayeth
31-35
2 Responses Dec 7, 2012

"You know what the sad thing is? I've tried, damn it. I've tried sleeping more. I've tried sleeping less. I've tried years of therapy. I've tried changing my attitude. I've tried changing my life. I've tried turning to God. I've tried turning away from God. I've read books. I've blogged online. I've tried medication. I've tried exercise. I've tried moving. I've tried changing jobs. I've tried a combination of all the above, several times, and the sad thing is, I still feel like this. "

I can relate. It feels as if life is against me.

Depression is a chemical en balance. no matter how many times i tell myself this i still feel like crap. then i feel guilty because there is no reason for me to even feel this way. everything you have written i am going through now. sometimes im fine but then there are times where i cant even get out of bed. I even push most of my friends away with my negative comments. they get mad because i am not nice when i got through these episodes but sometimes i just cant help it.