16 Years Mourning My Existence

I feel sad and uncomfortable all the time, I never felt happiness at all. I look at the sky wondering "what am I doing here?". I cry a lot, I feel like something is stabbing my chest, a deep pain inside that never goes away. I see people living their lives, smiling, going through difficulties and even laughing and happy about themselves and I ask myself : how can they?. I lost the taste for everything, I dont watch TV and internet serves me well to open up on websites like this, I just listen to sad songs that make me cry more. I think about death all the time, always tryng to figure out a new way to commit suicide. My existence is useless, since I just feel pain and sorrow, I dont function. I am disabled, I cant work, waiting for the court to approve my retirement at 29 yo. I am confined in my room all day, just go to backyard to smoke cigarettes. All treatments failed, there's no medication for me, nothing seems to work. Sometimes when I am very bad I cut myself, the pain of the scratches make the pain inside decrease. I tried suicide many times, it seems that death doesnt want me, it wants me to suffer more and more in this wretched life. I am all alone with my pain, it hurts so much. In a matter of months I 'll receive some money and I 'm gonna buy a shotgun and end it all, it's hard to wait but I need to...
rikkbb rikkbb
26-30, M
6 Responses Dec 8, 2012

I hear you, going on 20+ years of MDD myself. This world is so deluded, why the hell are we trying so hard to keep all of these people who suffer through hell every day alive? Life is not a gift, it was thrust upon you and then left you alone in a vicious world.

I'm gonna ask one thing: These suicide attempts you lived through - were they planned in detail, to really make sure you would die, or did some small part of you keep a way back open? If so, then I feel one must identify what keeps you here and make a choice - start living for it and try to get/ create more of the same, or sever the last ties and be done with it.

Can you excercise?What do you believe in or like to do?Or better yet what stops the boredom? You're biding your time anyway.

What do you want to do with your life?

I dont want life, I want death, the end, eternal peace. I am atheist, I know there's no bullshit of afterlife...

End it, apparently. Having never asked for life to begin with - there's not much use for it one could find when presented with it suddenly. Ending it is the most obvious route to take.

Iam in favour of euthanasia and in favour of cronic depression like mine to be considered a terminal illness. I'd like to go to Switzerland or Belgium to end it all in peace...

Well, what if when you die, you lose the gift of life. ANything is possible here. It is a gist to be alive. ANy passion is attainable. Why dont you find one?

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Life seems to be filled to the brim with emptiness. Everyone seems to be living a lie. Are you sure their isn't anything you could get out of this planet while your here? Is there nothing you want at all? If you were in perfect health and capability would you feel this way or would you do something else? What would you do?

If I were in perfect health I'd rather die cause I am ugly as hell, besides my problems I still need to bear my terrible appearance...

Your telling my story, medications don't work, I am trying for disability which probably won't happen, and I too have tried other forms of treatment. I'm stuck in the same place you are.
I do, however, try to get some form of exercize, even though it can be very hard to do. It's not easy for me to leave the comfort of my home, but I do. I have been unable to work outside my home for a year and I was let go about 4 months ago because depression/anxiety can be disabiliting.
If I stop fighting for me, my thoughts quickly go suicidal. I can't and you can't quit fighting. I have fighting this for over 15 years and at times I feel it's going to defeat me. As long as I keep fighting there's hope.

you know , i feel like crap most of the time ,because i am very ugly , i want to just end it all , and not listen to people group tease me both in front and behind my back , i couldnt fight them , the thought of killing myself occured to me ,but you know what ? i had a revelation , if you want to die , it means you dont care anymore , but if you dont care anymore , why not live ? i mean if you kill yourself , people who care about you will be hurt , so just live , just dont care about it anymore , for me , the thought that my parents would cry a little if i die , keeps me anchored to my desolate fortress of sadness and soltitude , even if the pain literally is smashing my insides , i would gladly grin and bear it , as long as my mum and dad are happy

I want to die to make this pain go away, I hate myself and dont care about my parents, I will not succumb to their desire to keep me alive just to make them happy, it's so selfish of them. They 'll mourn my death but by the way they'll get over it. I just dont care, I'm not living for others, I didnt ask to be born...

yes , i know it is selfish of them , but still i know people like you,me, many others dont have a reason to go on , i know very well , because i dont have a reason either , i dont have any real life friends to speak of , all of them used and betrayed me , they justified it because i am ugly , yup they said that to my face , just a direct hit that left me speechless and i couldnt think anymore , but if i die , it will bring a smile to those monsters faces , i dont want that , but still i know you love your parents like i do mine , they love you too , they just dont understand , atleast if my life is useless , atleast if we go out leaving parents happiness intact , isnt that a worthy goal ?

I am 29, parents die, what will you do after that? I depend on them for eveything, and the fact they love me, I appreciate that but it doesnt take my pain away, they know how much I suffer and I think they'll understand if I take my own life as I am planning to do. Better a person dead than living in pain...

i dont think they would understand ,parents are very stubborn , dont write off your parents they may easily live 20-30 years , i hope, i hope and pray a lot for the day when i am happy , you should do the same

I dont pray, I am atheist and I hope I'll be dead in less than 6 months

i didnt mean pray to god , pray to the best inside , have you read the fountainhead ????

I made up my mind, sorry but I hate when people try to talk me out of my thoughts. Let's leave this way, I 'll die and that's it, just waiting the right moment....

i know its your decision , but weigh the parameters carefully.

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