Getting Through Now.

I woke up to the usual, shrill chirp of the alarm clock, the bleary eyed squint of staring at the early morning hour. I feel the warmth of the blankets, of the peace that sleep offers, and I'd give a few years of my life to keep that, to stay here in the quiet.

The dull ache of the depression slathers over me like concrete. It's strange how daylight, the gift of a new day, feels like I'm being marched to my own grave. And, if I woke up feeling like this, this yet again, this still....it feels like the grave might offer me the peace that nothing else will.

I shake off those thoughts, for the thousandth time. I'm constantly warring with myself over the worth of this life, over my worth. I know that I'm valued. I know that I should enjoy my life. I know that I should appreciate more, that I shouldn't think this way. And, I also know that I do everything I can to stop the thoughts, and the feelings. It's not a light switch, though. I can't just turn it off and leave the darkness in the room behind me.
I've got to haul my aching body out of bed, subject it to the sting of the shower, stare numbly as I shuffle through the hangers, trying to find something to wear.

I yank on the appropriate outfit, sighing and dragging and feeling shackled to the floor as I stuff my feet into shoes.

I have a morning ritual, that dictates that everything gets done before I leave for my job. It's a secure thing, tidy, and orderly and contained well, as long as my heavy emotional overload doesn't inflict itself. On a good morning, I can get the cats fed, the mail sent, breakfast eaten, and arrive at work a few minutes early.

On a bad morning, though..it's much harder. When my depression is really digging in the claws, it's a battle to just open my eyes.. It's hard not to surrender to the urge to stay in bed, to yank the covers up and curse the sunlight. It's hard for me to even function, let alone do it well. For most people, it's normal to go to work, feed your cat, get dressed, eat breakfast. On my bad mornings, though, it's a victory.
Sorayeth Sorayeth
31-35
4 Responses Dec 9, 2012

You should be proud of yourself for at least being able to function to the best of your ablity with depression. I know it's not much but it's something and sooner than later that will be more than just something it'll be the ability to do everything again. At least that's what I tell myself and at the moment I'm worse off than you. That's all we can do. Hope you're well.

What is a normal person? Do I know one?
I am also struggling with depression and know well how it feels to want to hide under the covers and not to face the day. Feelings, emotions can be so overwhelming.
I have been this way for so long that now I fear this is my normal

Props to you! My depression has been so bad lately, that I have stayed in bed for 3 days in my dark room. I am disabled from a failed suicide attempt and I cant afford my meds, so Im in a pickle. But getting up everyday and functioning is beyond me right now. So great job! Hang in there! :)

I love the way you express.