The Way

On the outside, just a normal girl fighting with normal problems like any other girl. Yes, I do have problems of any student, of any person my age, well maybe a few more problems then that could have an average person, and for the outer world that is my excuse for being „sad“ sometimes. But on the inside, there is a whole world going on. There is one thing I've always tried to be, to achieve as the main goal in my life, and that is to be normal. But somehow I could never reach that „normalness“, I always felt different and outstanding, and I could never get that feeling of belonging somewhere. At first that bothered me a lot, but at some point I stopped caring for that, or anything, or even worse... for anyone. It feels like some kind of dessease, like cancer growing inside me and blocking all of my life functions, actions and emotions, except the bad ones. I stoped interacting with people, with friends or with professors, I just strive to be invisible, inconspicious, maybe if I'm passive enough, maybe I actually will become invisible. No, of course I won't, but thinking of feels a little comforting. I've been depressed almost since I know for my exsistance, depression grew on my personality, it became crucial part of me. I don't even know who would I be if I was one of „shiny happy people“, I don't know how would I act. Yes, I do have some periods of life when I'm happy, but even when happy I don't feel it completely. Ok.. maybe that's how happiness feels like, maybe I just don't understand that part, but whenever I tried to talk with someone, and it does take a lot of courage, I never felt satisfaction of complete understanding. I figured that maybe I'm not clear enough, and it's true that I don't know how to explain all those things inside me, every try to put those feelings in words seems like failure. There have been a lot of different reactions, from judging for doing it to myself to compassion and telling stories about their own lifes and despair. To be honest, I prefer the other pole, compassion kinda feels like satisfying, something like being happy for finding someone as unhappy as I am. But that never actually helped, that always ended up painfuly pulling each other to the ground, and in the other hand, now I'm dating someone who judges my feelings and „doing to myself“ things. Of course, that makes me feel even worse, even more miserable than I already am, makes me feel disguesse to that person, but being alone in all that seems much more worse. The logical thing to do is make a distance from that person, and talk with someone who understands this way or another, but in my head that looks like a huge step which I really don't wanna take now, prolonging problems seems a little more comfortable. I know, all that sounds pointless and irrational, but that's my current state (or call it whatever you like) and honestly I don't know how to get ouf there. There has been a lot of bad things happening to me, and I made a lot of wrong decisions, and I hell know what the sadness is, but this is different. I had a huge tragedy in my family, and yes I was very sad and that marked me for my entire life, but my depression is much more older than that. I wanted to kill myself, many times, even now I often think of death, and only thing between me and the end are my parents. I just don't want them go through that, I can only imagine how horribe would it be for them. So I guess I'm stuck between living. That's why I need to find the way to get out of this... Ignoring depression sometimes helped, but it always came back, I always found myself back at start. So I decided to accept it as a part of me, as a desease I have to live with. Still I have to believe that there is a way to make it feel better, not like a magic pill, just to find a way to make it possible to live with it, just to make it all a little less hopeless.
ElodieLuminous ElodieLuminous
22-25, F
Dec 10, 2012