Depression...my Experience

When does it end? I ask myself the question every day when i go off
to school and put on a happy face and come home and want to die the minute my real life hits me! Most people would probably laugh and get on with it, cancer, depression and feelings of suicide should not come into a normal life, this is why i do not feel that mine is normal and i need
help!

I’ve been depressed and suicidal for so, so long-I am just so tired,
I could sleep all day and night if I could—but I am mentally and
emotionally exhausted too. My head and stomach hurt almost every day.
My hands shake, I move like a turtle, I think and talk like one too. I
feel like I don’t “live,” I only “exist.” I don’t want to die, but I hate the existence. If I can’t live, then what’s the choice? I am so tired.
Depression feels like being a tiny gray dot in the corner. Nothing
matters, everything hurts, especially the weariness, especially the
darkness. Head full of lukewarm lint, so there are no clear thoughts. No
energy, so it is exhausting to lift a hand to comb my hair, so I don’t
comb my hair: it is too exhausting. Everything makes you weary.

It feels like being in a dark hole, and not being able to get out.
You can see the light far away, with no way of getting to it. I am not
worth anything nor worthy of anyone, at least that’s how I feel,
although my mind tells me otherwise. It is a confusing state, no happiness, no enjoyment, no fun, why am I here, only for my family I guess.

I just don’t want to be here anymore. I am tired- I am beyond
tired. Life has no joy- life is a chore. Everyone wants a piece of me.
I give and give and it is never enough. There is so little left to give- I have nothing left. Would I be missed? Perhaps for what I do for people I will be missed- but not me. I am not loved- I am needed- I am used. I am the person who cleans up everyone’s mess. My sacrifices help fix the bad
decisions of others. No one hears my cry for help- no one wants to listen. I only have meaning when I deliver- no one offers a helping hand when I am tired. They see I am tired- I tell them I am tired- yet they ask for more- and I am trained to give …. until it is all gone- including my spirit- my being- my life.

Most people use me for what they need, then dispose me. But there are some people who I want to help. Those who are broken like me...or not as worse as me. I want to save them. I can't see them in pain. I love each and every one of them, whether they know it or not. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. They can push me away as much as they want, I don't care, it means they're in need of love, care and help the most. I know i've failed to save myself so I wanna know i haven't completely failed, that i can make sure the ones I love, care for don't lose these battles...I'll help every hurt and broken person fight their battles...till i breathe my last...
Rabzmap Rabzmap
13-15, F
1 Response Dec 11, 2012

I don't know why you think you've lost your battle, but if you don't want to die then you haven't lost yet because you're still living.

I am suicidal. I've lost because i don't have it in me to fight anymore...

yes I know you're suicidal but you haven't lost it because even though you feel you're done fighting you're still fighting since you're still here.

There is no way of me succeeding to kiol myself. No blades, no medicines, not knives. Nothing...

then that means you're supposed to be here, believe me I'm suicidal too but I'm still here too

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