Conflict

I have a family that loves me and does everything to me, they try hard to make me happy, but somehow it aint enough. They can't take away the feelings, the pain in my chest, the terrible, anxiety, the social phobia, the chronic depression. I feel for them, I feel like as if I killed myself I 'd be betraying them, I'd be being ungrateful. I am grateful for everything the've been done for me, but my struggle with this illness completes 16 years and there's no treatment for me. I just wish to die, my will to die is so strong and alive inside me, I think about suicide constantly. I was planning to do it today but my father is around spying on me, if I step my foot out of the house he will chase me, if I lock myself in my room for too long he will check on me. I feel I have 2 german shepherds around me.
rikkbb rikkbb
26-30, M
4 Responses Dec 12, 2012

Hang in there. As bad as it is, it will pass. I know that sounds trite but it is true. I have suffered depression for years. The thing that gives me joy lately is realizing how much Jesus loves me. I only speak for myself. But knowing he thinks I'm unique and wonderful, that He has a use for me, that I make him happy when I praise Him-these things bring joy. It also helps to be on the right medication. Keep trying the meds until you get the right combination.

I am atheist, no thanx...

I respect your views. I wish you the best. I think some medicine will help. New ones come out all the time.:)

New ones come out all the time, purpose: nothing. Antidepressants dont work in me...

I've been in that place where I also thought about suicide a lot but I couldn't go through with it. Here's my experience of depression. Maybe you might find it helpful. <a href="http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Battle-Depression/2781504" target="ep_blank">EP Link</a><br />
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I believe in you. You will overcome! You will get better!<br />
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All the very best to you. <br />
V8

My depression is endogenous, it means I was born with, there's no cure or treatment. It's been 16 years battling this illness that led me to heavy drugs, pain, sorrow, sadness, weakness, hopelessness through my entire life. I've reached my limit, I'm gonna end my life soon, it's a matter of time...

A couple of hours ago, I came across a video of Jeff Foster - someone who has awakened to his true nature. He talked about how for years he was really depressed and it came to a point when his life either had to change or he was going to commit suicide. He didn't have the courage to commit suicide so he started exploring who he is.

Here's the link but it comes in 6 parts though:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XCGqQNUD2Dw

This video is only 4 minutes long: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2YuFr3obDqs

Anyway, I wish you all the best.

I've thought about it constantly too. The only person I talk to it about is my mother but of course if I bring it up she says she will send me to the hospital. How the hell are we supposed to deal with it when if we even mention it, it's grounds for institutionalizing us?

I have never been so far as to have a plan like yourself but the thoughts surround me all day. When I think my day might be alright, and maybe I go for a walk to grab a coffee it strikes. Something as simple as me thinking someone looked at me the wrong way and instantly thoughts flood of "I'm worthless, look homeless, disgusting, failure". I'm sorry I got no advice but, I thought I would let you know that I really do feel you man.

It's good not to have advice, I hate them, I like people like you who understand me. This thought around my head all the time, I never find a good time to do it, because I am not a beginner, I tried many times during my life and if I try now it's gonna be something hard, like throw myself from a train or under a truck, drown, something that there's no way back, but it's hard with my parents around me 24 hours a day, and the problem is that they know I am suicidal...

You are in a battle for your own life. Your family's protection shows their care for you. Far too many young lives end needlessly. You are a valued and important member in your family. Your life is important to them, and to those who read your story here on EP. You have reached out to the EP community. Stay with us. Write about the chest pain, depression, anxiety. Let those of us who have been through this walk you through as well. It will be worth it, you will see. Hang in there, for yourself, for your family, for EP. You are a strong person, a survivor, and writing and posting your story here proves it.