I Am Crying So Much

I told my mum who I love more than anything that I want to die. I told her that I don't want treatment, I dont want psychiatrist hospitals cause I dont want to get better, I want to kill myself and she stands on the way. She started to cry so much and said I hurt her and left, I dont know where she is, she was crying a lot and me too. I dunno why I opened up like this but I was just honest. After everything she did and does to me, she is an angel, she's so sweet, I dunno why I did this, now I regret it. But I cant hide that i am getting worse and more suicidal than ever. I told her that anytime is going to happen, she would lose me forever. She said she's not going to put in the hospital anymore, I said I cant bear this pain anymore, I am getting psychotic and aggressive more and more. I dunno what to do, I hope my father wont know about this, she promised not to tell. I am doomed...
rikkbb rikkbb
26-30, M
1 Response Dec 12, 2012

I understand that you needed to tell someone, and especially the one you are closest to (?) how bad you are really feeling. But I can also understand that your mother can't handle her child telling her how much he wants to die. It must also be hard for her not being able to lean on your father in this matter, having to keep it from him, put on a brave face.
Why can't you tell him? Would he brake, or would he get angry at you, or would he just brush it off?

My father would take me straight to psychiatric hospital and I dont want that, I suffered like hell in that place. My mum is a depressed person so she understands me, my father is normal, the tough guy type, he does not understand why I feel this way...

Are you telling your mother as a last plea for help, or to say goodbye?

I don't want any help, it's been 16 years getting help for nothing. I just opened up to my mum why i dont want to get any better, she never understood, she thought I wanted to get better and have a normal life, no! I dont want that, I wanna die, I am suicidal, I'm gonna kill myself anytime and finish it all...

Ok, that is very sad, but I understand.

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