Why, Oh God Why?!?!?!?

I have been doing so good for 6 months and in the space of a week i have just about f%^&*d up every good thing in my life.  i am so tired.  i keep pushing this godd*mn rock up this godd*mn hill, and in the end i get nowhere.  now i have to start all over again.

 ok . . .  f*&k  it . . . give me my rock, and i will push it some more.

 but do think maybe someday u could teach me how to stop sabotaging myself god?  could you do that much for me?  u f*cked up every other thing in my life, so could u at least do that u motherf*&^er!!!!
SunshineDaydream SunshineDaydream
26-30, F
2 Responses May 19, 2007

I'm so glad someone said something about regression, b/c that's what I did with myself these past couple of months. I'd come so, so far in life, and I felt like I threw it all away, and half the time I feel as though I did it on purpose. So I'm struggling to get over it now. I feel like I'm starting all over again and it SUCKS. But you're right, what else is there? I think that's what we have to keep telling ourselves. Someone on here said to picture suicide like something ridiculous and unheard of, and that's actually working well for me for the time being. It motivates me to sit on my *** a little less and try a little harder to look for solutions.

I blamed god for allot of wrong doings in my life. I considered god as an outlet for my failures. I have never been a truly self sufficient in the true sense of the word. Each time I failed it was easy for me to blame him. I was never overly religious but I believed. Well in my own way. I did notice as I continued with this outlet I never made any progress. This is me not you. It was a scape goat for me my easy way out. As I started to self manage myself more and more I found writing down my failure brought it into prospective. I would write down my issue and piece out what had made it an issue. What had made me fail. So when I grabbed "My Rock" again to work my continued uphill battle. I had documented what had made me fail the first time. So when a problem arose again I had somewhat of a battle plan to overcome the milestone.<br />
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I know you are hurting. My comment is not very uplifting. These are some things I have done to help me get through the tough times. I feel for you I really do. It is hard and doesn't get easier. Just remember you are never alone, there are people always fighting and always willing to share some light on what is painful to you.