Trying to Live a Normal Life While Battling Depression

In 1997 I was diagnosed with severe depressive disorder with panic attacks. The panic attacks were so bad that I would black out. My doctor tried out numerous medications which had some horrible side effects, before finding the right one for me. Even though I take my medication as prescribed, I still get panic attacks and suffer bouts of depression. I married in 1995, and my husband simply did not believe any of this and accused me of just acting like this for attention. I have always been shy and never wanted to be the center of anyone's focus, so that was definitely not the case. I did a lot of research on my own to learn more about this disease, but still my husband, nor my family and so called friends didn't believe any of it. All I heard was "just think positive." Wouldn't that be great? Believe me, I would loved to have been able to think positive thoughts instead of sinking further and further into the black hole of depression. My husband was never physically abusive (although he did have a penchant for throwing things at me and just missing), but he was exemplary at mental and emotional abuse. He made me believe that I was worthless, no one cared about me, that I was overweight (at 110 lbs ????), that I wasn't sexy or pretty enough and on and on. He threw me out on the streets 4 times (always when I was going through a severe bout of depression) and still I went back to him, time and time again. I had allowed him to brainwash me into believing that he was the only one that would ever care about me (by throwing me out on the streets???). I don't think I ever really wanted to get married. My mom had recently passed away and my father was ill and I knew all he wanted was to see me "happily" married and to have someone who would always take care of me. Even my dad didn't believe in me. I watched my wedding video and I was shaking so bad it looked like there was a swarm of bees in my bouqet. My sister had to give me a Xanax to get me to go through with the whole thing. One day in May of 1997 (of course just coming off a severe panic attack) my husband called me and told me he was filing for a divorce and I was to be out of "his" house before the end of the day. I tried talking to my "wonderful" family and "fabulous" friends and what a surprise, no one could bother helping me with at least a temporary place to stay. I shouldn't have been surprised since they never helped before. I did manage to find a place to live, although I couldn't move in for 2 weeks. My husband threw a fit, said he wanted me out now and if I didn't leave he would call the police. Of course I was terrified and didn't realize he couldn't throw me out like that. At this point in time, I was heavily medicated and really out of it. My "divorce" consisted of my husband's two attorney friends (one was his lawyer and the other mine - never got to meet either one) and having me sign all kinds of papers which I had no idea what they were. When I was more of myself again and read those papers I couldn't even recognize my own signature. The financials stated that my husband made way less than he actually did and I made way more that I actually did. Of course now everyone wanted to jump on the bandwagon, telling me I need to get a lawyer and fight this. Honestly, I have never been about money and couldn't care less about getting alimony or whatever else. I just wanted it to end and my husband to go away. Obviously this left a very bad taste in my mouth. I don't let people get close to me anymore, I never tell anyone what I am feeling, I no longer trust anyone. I keep everything bottled up inside, which I know is extremely unhealthy. That is the main reason I joined EP, to get feedback from those who have gone though similar experiences and how they learned to overcome the demons they battled. Thanks for letting me share and I welcome any and all comments...


IrishOceanNymph IrishOceanNymph
46-50, F
Aug 1, 2008