A Teenage Stuggle With Depression

Age 13:

It's strange how one year can change your whole life around. As for being an average thirteen year old girl, you may not be looking into the future and trying to find your point in life. As for me, it's different. Most of my life is simply trying to survive the challlenges life gives me and trying to find the reason I am here. Most people see me as a very blithe person; and very cheerful. Two words... all lies. Every night I would rant up a storm to my companion , telling how life SUCKS. Funny thing is, she is dealing with the same situation I am... I can relate to her... we both have depression, or so we think. At school, I mainly stick to myself and is very reserved. Though, my life hasn't always been this way. A year ago when I was in the sixth grade, I was content with my life... Everything was great. I had many friends... as i relise today, most of there were not. As life contined and I grew up, life changed. Once I reached my teen years, I became depressed, lonley, and misrable. It wasn't bad, and I thought it would go away. I was WRONG. Iv'e gotten to a point in my life where you can't hold it much longer. I felt like the world turned away from me, like a a fish lost from it's school. I desided it would get better and I would be happy tomorrow. The next day, I cried in my room for an hour without knowing the reason. Everything was getting worse and worse, I felt useless and the world hated me. As months contined, I went to school and pretended to be elated. My life is fake. But, right when I get home I melt down. One night, I couldn't take it anymore. After a long cry and rage, i "attempted" to cut. I quote attepmted because it was more of a scratch if anything. I simply took the end of a broken pen and scratched my wrist...hard. There was no blood luckly... just two long scars that are filled with hate. You would think after this I would tell my family so I could get some help. Well, you are right. We desided to go to a hypnotist. Now, obviously I did not tell my parents my attempts and true thoughts. I lied to my parents it stopped. The hypnotist said it was hormonal and it should go away by the time I was twenty or so. A few weeks later, It got Much worse. I went to school and became depressed... At school! Usually, I was only misrable at home... that night after a long terrible day of acting content, I snuck into my yiayia room and grabbed a knife. It's weird, the knife was in the bathroom... But, I took it. I stared at myself.. I had many thought of suicide and much pain. There I saw sobbing... I held the knife to my wrist, prepare the the worse... I couldn't... so, I dropped the knife the the floor. It was simply to much. There needed to be some other way. A few hours of thinking, I came up with an idea, I was going to go goth or emo. Still today, I have these thought. Acually, all this happened a few days ago... I just turned fourteen today. Nothings changed. Still today, I wear black. I wore black as much as I can. It helped me escape, become invisible and express myself in a more managable way. I know I am it sound like all of this happened years ago.. No way. All this is very acurate and resent... very resent. I vowed I was going to commit suicid when I got older. I still have these thoughts and is still stugglling to end this non stop devil inside me. Many of my thought include: killing myself, running away, the future and loosing my friend; my life. I come from a very nice family who never even layed a hand on me in my life, who loves me with unconditional love and support, and yet I have these feelings. Of course, most people have God in there hands to protect them, and help them... as for me, no. When I die, I am going to hell. I used to be God's little angel, now I am like the Devil's Daughter. I don't belive in God. Yet, in some twisted way, I still know he loves me, even if I dont believe. However, in the mist of all this,
I still have some cheer in my life.

One Year Later: Age 14

It's funny how somethings never change, some times they do.. for good or worse. As I look back at what I have scribed before, I've relized, my dispair has not changed much, however with occation, I have been content at times. My life is still down hill, and only SLIGHTLY getting better. By slightly, I mean Hardly any.. no matter what I try to do... nothing helps much. My sobs and weeps have reason at times... School has been a HUGE impact on my life, and has seered a giant hole in my delectation, leaving nothing by stress in my heart. Apart from reason, most of my cries are most for No reason whats so ever... Mainly, I have really no knowledge of why I cry.. I just do, out of the blue. Recently, I have been feeling nothing... no feelings. Not sorrowfull, not cheerful. As I did some research, I found that I have been feeling this because all of my emotions have been built up, and I must let it out... Of course, I let it out, and I had feelings again.. It's so strange. Furthermore, I feel as if everyone hates me.. and I am not good for anyone, of course the world proves me right, I am no one's best friend. Most people will see me as very blithe and always smiling. Yes, I am a very good lier. Most of my laughs are cries. This does not apply always. You see, when I am with my friends, I am for the most part cheerful. I laugh for no reason, because I am really crying, unless I am acually really carefree. Iv'e been suicidal and always dwedling on the past and mostly the future.
For the time being, I have decided to change, to hault all the chaos and really focusing on the good in life.. It is a challenge, but I am willing to face it. So far, I must say It has been going well. I have recently re decorated my room with bright colors and flowers. Getting rid of all the black in my room, made me more cheerful. Along with re decorating my room, I have been living in the moment more.. This is really important to do. Simply go outside and really smell the roses. Not only do I live by THAT, I also am working towards becoming more of a risk taker.. I don't mean risking my life, I just mean.. baby steps. One simple step, is to talk to people and become outgoing.. This is not as simple as it sounds. Or, having fun jumping in the water with your clothes on... I just think.. "What's the worst that can happen?"
I worry far more than you can imagine. One way I have sort of got rid of it.. per-say Is to imagine catagories in your head that you are anxious about. School, friends, life... And I imaagine literally pushing it aside. Most of this works only temporarly. i envy some many things... my friend's best friends, popualar girls at school and much more. My appitite has changed.. I have acually started to eat alittle more.. But, stopped eating chicken.. Oh, why did I watch "From farm to fridge...." ' gives you bad images I tell you.
I know when school starts up again.. all of this would just be bull... and I will fall into the dark hole again. I say most of this advice now, because I am content right now.. When I am in despair again, I do give up...I REALLY do.. and will continue.

I know I am still VERY depressed and most likely have Chronic Depression, But at least I will try...
just once.

Age 14, December 8th, 2012

Short Update:
I lost some friends, but I have now excepted it. Friends come and go, I guess; you can't hold on forever. Over these months, nothing got better.. in facts, everything is getting worse, or continues to be the same from when I was 13 years old. I am very suicidal and could kill myself at any moment. I am a outcast and I sob every night. It is getting worse, I self harm by scratching myself pretty hard, leaving scars. Sometimes so hard that I wake up and found deep, blood-red scars up my legs and arms from the beast of depression that takes over me. Depression is like a dark cloud that hovers over you and follows you where ever you go. I take A.D.D medicine and some depression pills, along with going to see therepists, doctors and support groups, and nothing seems to work. I am at rock bottom and could very well choke myself, as I already do. No one seems to understand, or seem to care. It's like I am always alone... always, even in a crowd of people. It's gotten so bad that I cry at school in the bathroom, and have to hide the tears and hold it in, in class. Life is a living hell, and I can't wait to die. I'll die soon... I hope.
Musicmagic39 Musicmagic39
1 Response Dec 16, 2012

I can relate to this, I use to feel the exact same way about your age .. not long ago. I'm 16 now. I mean, I still get depressed at times. But what mainly helped me over come this was High School, doing things that I liked to do, it accupied my mind .. maybe this could work for you? Finding an interest. Life's not easy, just think positive, there's more to life, you just have to find yourself(: