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She Knows.

I have a secret. One that I've been keeping from her for more than 2 years. My secret has kept me chained, and I'm not sure if I wanted to be set free. I've said befor that I wanted to tell people I care about about this. She found my secret by reading one of my old journals...
I cut. I self harm. I am depressed. I need help.
My mom found out yesterday. I wasn't ready for her to find out. It seemed easier to lie and say I'm happy and fine than tell the horrible truth about the pain I'm in.
Of all the people I didn't want her to find out. It's funny how she found out by going thru my stuff. I've always told people that I hated writing down my thoughts and stuff because I was afraid someone would find out the horrible truth about who I am. Some of my friends convinced me to keep a form of journal, so I finally did. And looky there.... It happened. Someone, my mom, read those thoughts.
I had things talking about how I wanted to cut again or kill my self. How I was unhappy with my life.
She found out. I don't know what to think anymore.
She didn't get mad or anything just concerned. I feel horrible. I feel like a horrible daughter. I don't know why I started this in the beginning or how I got depressed.
Me and my mom would always joke about cutting and other forms of self harm. She never knew I was doing that bymyself alone in my room. She didn't know I had scars and fresh wounds from myself when we joked about it. I didn't want her to find out. I don't want her to see me differently. I don't want to be treated different. I'm the same person, just more in the light.
She may have shown light on me, but I feel like I'm more in the dark than I have ever been. I need help, I need someone to make sence of this for me. I need advise on what to do, how to act. I dint want to be watched, and I know or think he won't. But now every scratch or every injury there will be in the back of her mind, the thought that I did it to myself.
I'm sorry for my rant and I'm sorry I'm the way I am. I need help. Please give me some kind of advise or something.. Anything..

Missme153
missme153 missme153 18-21, F 3 Responses Dec 25, 2012

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You should definitely seek professional help. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. If your teeth hurt, you'd go to a dentist. This is no different.

This is true, but I'm scared to. I hate telling strangers, face to face, my problems. I dont want to be 'just another depressed teen'. I don't want to be another statistic. I'm afraid of what they will say. I'm afraid others will find out. I want help, I need help, but I'm to scared to get it. I'm not sure if any if that makes sence to you, but I'm scared to be like everyone else. I know I should find comfort in not being alone, but I feel horrible that there are others that go thru this stuff.
And it hurts knowing that there are people that have gone thru so much worse, yet they havnt given up.. I feel weak and pathetic. Maybe I shouldn't be saved. Maybe I'm not worth it.

Missme153

Don't be silly, of course you're worth it. You're young. I've been battling depression since you were born. If anyone doesn't deserve saving, I'd be a candidaate. Even my ex-wife thought I was worth saving on the day she left (12/1). My parents thought I was worth it enough to fly me halfway across the country to visit them for Christmas. If they hadn't, I don't know what I would have done yesterday. You're not like everyone else, and if yu don't want to be a statistic, you should get help.

You'll be glad you did. I spent the first 9 days of December in a mental hospital, and I'm glad for it.

I don't knowhow to get help. I don't know how to bring it up in a conversation. I feel lost :/

Do you have a doctor that you see? Heck, go to the ER and tell them you need help. They know what to do. If you're under 18, have your mother call your insurance company. Or you can call them. Nobody in the health care industry is going to judge you for needing help.

I'm under 18, but we don't have insurance. So thats another thing. I dont want my mom to pay for me to see some doctor about it. We barely get by as it is..

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Thanks. I'm not a fan of my psychiatrist, and I never wanted one it the first place...my parents made me. The only positive thing I can say is that the medication I'm on helps with my anxiety. If it's more than depression...i'd see one. Also I didn't know I had what I have until I was diagnosed with it.

My dad got a little mad at first. He never knows what to say. My mom...I can tell she's sad, shes confused. I've gone through so many shrinks I've lost count. Some of them do help tho...the counselors. Just find one that you like and that really understands you. I recommend someone young and the same gender. The greatest advice I can give is that, if you really want to get better, you half to want it with all you got. That's how you get out. If you do get out...tell me how it is...I'm not there yet

I've never been to a doctor or anything about it, my mom asked and I said I don't want to see one. Maybe I will in the future but for now I'm still having problems talking about it at all..hopefully you'll get out before I do.
Thanks for the advise I'll try to use it sometime. If you ever need someone to chat with send a message my way.

Missme153