Depression.I was born to a beautiful 16 year old girl in December 18th 1995, she loved me even after my father left. Her name is Carmina and she raised my sister and I up until 9 months ago. I don't blame her for my depression, it just sort of… took over me.
I found out that my baby sister Nicole had leukemia when I was 12. She was 2. My life changed drastically after that, my family was devoured by silence and fear.. fear of losing Nicole, fear of living in silence. My mother broke.. and I did nothing. I watched as she cried, as she aged, as she struggled to love me and my other sister Karla all the whole taking Carr of Nicole. I failed as a daughter and my mother gave up on me. I hate myself. I'm so sorry. My mother couldn't afford me and Karla after a few months of Nicole receiving treatment.. so my mother sent us to live in California with some family.
California.. killed me. After 6 months of living in California and enduring glares and hateful wordd from my family.. after them reading my diary and telling everyone about it, after telling me that I should hang myself they called my mother and told her that there home was no longer open to me.
I went back to Oregon weighing 150 pounds, 50 pounds heavier than I had left weighing. I was bullied.. my mother cried because she knew something was wrong, because I looked different, because her life.. our life was falling apart. This was about 2 years ago.
I stopped going to school.. in fact I went 15 days out of the 9 months of my freshmen school year. The bullying, my sisters leukemia, my depression was TOO MUCH for me to handle.
Then my sophomore year we moved and started a new life. Nicole was becoming healthier.. but my mother and I stopped getting along. We became violent, physically, verbally and emotionally. I felt anger towards her for so many reasons; when I was six I was raped and my mother did not contact the authorities.. I now understand why she didn't and I regret every bad word, every punch, every lie I ever said to her. I made her hate and that is why I am now living in a foster home.. she gave me away. I miss her, I love her, I wish I was not depressed(she never understood it. She'd ask what was wrong, tell me to be happy and hug me. But she didn't understand) I really hate my life.