I was born to a beautiful 16 year old girl in December 18th 1995, she loved me even after my father left. Her name is Carmina and she raised my sister and I up until 9 months ago. I don't blame her for my depression, it just sort of… took over me.
I found out that my baby sister Nicole had leukemia when I was 12. She was 2. My life changed drastically after that, my family was devoured by silence and fear.. fear of losing Nicole, fear of living in silence. My mother broke.. and I did nothing. I watched as she cried, as she aged, as she struggled to love me and my other sister Karla all the whole taking Carr of Nicole. I failed as a daughter and my mother gave up on me. I hate myself. I'm so sorry. My mother couldn't afford me and Karla after a few months of Nicole receiving treatment.. so my mother sent us to live in California with some family.
California.. killed me. After 6 months of living in California and enduring glares and hateful wordd from my family.. after them reading my diary and telling everyone about it, after telling me that I should hang myself they called my mother and told her that there home was no longer open to me.
I went back to Oregon weighing 150 pounds, 50 pounds heavier than I had left weighing. I was bullied.. my mother cried because she knew something was wrong, because I looked different, because her life.. our life was falling apart. This was about 2 years ago.
I stopped going to school.. in fact I went 15 days out of the 9 months of my freshmen school year. The bullying, my sisters leukemia, my depression was TOO MUCH for me to handle.
Then my sophomore year we moved and started a new life. Nicole was becoming healthier.. but my mother and I stopped getting along. We became violent, physically, verbally and emotionally. I felt anger towards her for so many reasons; when I was six I was raped and my mother did not contact the authorities.. I now understand why she didn't and I regret every bad word, every punch, every lie I ever said to her. I made her hate and that is why I am now living in a foster home.. she gave me away. I miss her, I love her, I wish I was not depressed(she never understood it. She'd ask what was wrong, tell me to be happy and hug me. But she didn't understand) I really hate my life.
SkysAcidEyes SkysAcidEyes
18-21, F
15 Responses Dec 30, 2012

I grew up in a house of little love as well. A father who did not want me around, and a mother who, like yours had a sick child to look after. For many years I lived in denial, hatred, which led to depression, then alcohol and drugs. I was on the brink of self destruction when someone finally got me to treatment and therapy. I did survive, as I know you will. Be strong, my friend. We can not go back and change the past, so try and build a better future for yourself and family members. It takes time to heal old wounds. patience is a virtue....

Aww hun:,(

I believe that with time your mom and you will repair your relationship.

sometimes thats really hard to bear but im sure somehow you and your mom will be ok and then make sure to do something good for yourself and dont ruin your life because of what happen in the past still life is good to look for and be thankful that you survived.

Thank you for your lovely words, somehow I know that you're right and really, thank you..

I know you have alot of problems in the past but you dont need to live in misery because you experienced so bad what is important now you can start and make a better future and would not end up pregnant because you just dont care and hang out with bad influence people,try to do something different that one day you will be proud of and can get you job,try to complete your high school and then plans if ever you wanted to go to college if you dont have people who will support you try and find colleges or universities that offered scholarship or working student so that you will get a degree not necessarily a IVY LEAGUE SCHOOL but something that would give you diploma that the government recognized then you will see after 2-4 years alot of changes happen because you did something worthwhile.

*hugs* Hope...for the future. It's what me and my friends do, when we feel life is too much. It's all you can do sometimes...just hope. xoxo:)

Thank you ♥

You're welcome:) We don't always get the life we deserve starting out. So we have to keep fighting to get it later...good luck <3

My heart goes out to you. I want you to know you will never be alone. It's hard to trust people after going through as much as you have but have faith that things will get better. There is always light at the end of the tunnel. Before you can fix the relationship with your mom work on yourself. Know it wasnt your fault. We tend to blame things on ourselfs when in reality it was completey out of our control. Keep your head up. Stay strong.

I feel deeply sorry for you and the horror you have been put through. I wish there was some way I could help physically :(. Well, you will be 18 soon and out of foster care. Talk to your mom, work things out and tell her how much you love and miss her. One thing I know is that without solving your problems from the past, you are never fully able to move on and look to the future. If you want to push for a new life, a better life, you have to resolve your past problems.

In my job I support and advise people in your situation quite often and it always hits a spot in my heart. I feel so much pain for you but I can say that talkng about it on here is a good step in the right direction and I wold advise that talking to a neutral person (proffessional or friend) would be the next step. I am a great beleiver that you can always change your path no matter what the past but to move forward you can not carry the weight of the past. As another comment stated these where things that happened long ago and also that people make very rash decisions when they are scared. I think you need to forgive the past so you can push your future. I wish you all the luck and hope in the world and wish I could be there to give you a hug. :)

Keep your head up. You will be soon be 18 and more in control of your life . Don't try to impress other impress your self do what makes you happy hold on and I wish I cold give you a hug

I wish I could give you a hug :( All I can tell you is that, you NEED to keep your head up. You just have to. Having faith in that things will get better, that there IS a way out of this life is the only thing you can do to keep you going. Please never give up, and if your family was unable to provide you happiness or a good life, find it on your own. Please dont give up, you have so much ahead of you, even though everything seems cloudy right now.

I am so sorry dear :-( Please remember that you are beautiful in every single way and no one can blame you for being sad and angry. Please try to contact your mother and tell her how you feel. Also, try to get help from a professional it would be a shame to see you spiral any further down hill.

dear skyacideyes ;<br />
you are special please remember that! we all love you and want you to feel happy remember it's going to get better!!:)

Reading your story made me sad. Sorry that you've had such a tough upbringing. My best advice would be not to hate your mom but understand and forgive her. life so far. But it can change!!! Nothing lasts forever. Your mom made some bad choices. Don't dwell on that. Instead focus on you and fixing you. Surround yourself with good supportive caring people. You CAN change your life. Make your life better from now on. Take charge. Free yourself of this depression. Be kind to those that are kind to you. Hopefully your foster parents are good people and will show you the support and encouragement that you so deserve. All the best! :-)

I'm sorry your mom gave up on you. I could never turn my back on my girls no matter the circumstances. I know you said you don't blame her but your story made me feel anger for this lady! Sorry if offended

You didn't offend me at all, a lot of people tell me I should be angry or not forgive her.. but I can't and were all entitled to our opinions. You know? Thank you for the support ♥

I can't help but visualize my girls as you speak about your life struggles and in some weird way I feel like I know you and your sadness. My heart goes out to you. I hope you find the road to recovery. I hope you show all the people who let you down, that you did not need them. You can survive through your own strengths. I am rooting for you girl! I'm also here if you need a friend =)

Life is really messed up.. its just that 90% of people never really get to experience how messed up it can be.. they just read about it in magazines or watch it on tv as entertainment.
Ive felt really bitter about my childhood, but eventually i came to appreciate not being like everyone else around me, especially when i find people with similar stories to tell. In those few rare moments of connection, i almost feel like my pain was worth it, and i feel glad that the other 90% of the world doesnt get me.

Thank you for your words, I agree(: