A Dark Mind

I’ve been depressed since I was 15. In high school I was detached from my friends, stopped doing homework on time, and felt overwhelmed all day long. I almost failed a class, and the therapist I was seeing wasn’t a big help. I would find out three years later that what depressed me was my gender and that I had been born the wrong gender (born a female, now male). I made the transition in a year and a half, so now I am who I’ve always meant to be, but the depression is still there, and it’s a different kind of depression.

I’m just depressed all the time.

I can’t focus in school, and no medication is helping me. I’m tired every single day as if I ran a marathon. I don’t have a lot of people to talk to or who will understand what I’m going through. My new therapist and my psychiatrist don’t have much to say anymore. I think about where my life is going and how the future looks bleak. I think about relationships because I’ve never been in one and I probably never will be in one. I’m just overwhelmed by the simplest situations. School started not too long ago, and I’m already freaking out. I hate having to suffer with my own lack of motivation and passion for life that so many people around me apparently have. I’ve brought the issue of suicide to my doctors, but they respond with more medication that does not help me in the least bit.

I want to be happy, but life doesn’t look so good right now. I feel like I’m drowning and at any moment I’ll sink to the bottom of the ocean. I don’t want to give up, but I’m on the edge of a mental break. I can already see it happening.
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26-30
1 Response Jan 7, 2013

Its hard to find the right words to say , obviously you're not alone ... i have dealt with depression a greater part of my life, history of abuse both sexually and emtional kind... now my divorce , DUI and the new relationship i started.. I'm living in constant fear, i told him a week or two ago i can feel i'm on the edge of dropping out of society... giving up ... i have more than enough cause it feels to do so. But i can't .. because i still have goals and dreams... and it seems i've dug myself an even greater hole to climb out of which makes me so upset with myself, every day is hard to get up... i was talking to someone not about my problems but she is well off and wealthy one of my clients , i work in a spa. And she said she thinks about life and how good she has had it , but feels like every day is a challenge .. its just hard to get up ... and she said that's the way she feels and she knows she has it well... Kudos to you for getting up every morning ... for being on this forum , for expressing how you feel. I'll be thinking about you and hope that you find happiness in the life's small things.. Life is what you make of it. YOU WILL , YOU can ... you just have to change your thinking. its harder than it sounds... every day is.. but set your sights on your dreams.. My dreams are simple but feel so unatainable... i want to oppernunity to work locally at a dermotologist or plastic's office... as an aesthetician , i want this relationship i'm in willing it be stable and healthy ..to last.. i want to start a family ... and be the best parent i can be. those are my goals no matter how far away from them i am. Give youself something to lust after in life.. dont' be afraid to dream... because either way it's gonna bring you closer to where you need to be in life.. weather u get your dreams or no.. u'll have a path. sorry i rant. Wishing u well