Desperate And Anxious

I haven't written here for quite some time now. I have been depressed these past few weeks. I think I'm entering my manic phase. I feel better. Yesterday, I didn't eat lunch and I felt as if I were drunk. My aunt sent us some goodies from the US and I found myself gorging on chocolate covered almonds, which is bad because I have been putting on a lot of weight lately. I would like to be able to discipline myself. I hope I can find out what makes me tick. It's as if something else controls me now. I can't think straight anymore. It's a struggle for me to focus.

I don't want to identify with my disorders. I want to stop being "the person who has ADD and bipolar disorder." I hope I can overcome my weaknesses and my disorders. I don't want them to hinder me from achieving my goals. I earn my keep by writing, and I often find myself anxious and unable to write. I don't know what to do. I'm often paralyzed by fear. Sometimes, I end up doing unimportant things like watching YouTube videos and playing games.

Sometimes, I feel like a loser. I wish I could talk to somebody who could understand what I'm going through. It's doubly difficult because there are people who depend on me. I have to earn, but I can't seem to discipline myself. I need help, but I don't know where to get it. I don't have enough money to pay for therapy and we don't have a psychiatrist in our province who is competent enough to treat these types of conditions. I used to go to a psychiatrist, but all she does is prescribe meds. I may be over-medicating. I don't want to depend on pills for my well-being. I don't know what to do. It's incredibly frustrating.

I just want to be able to concentrate on my work without being bothered by my emotions. Sometimes, I get so stressed out that I end up eating. I just ate more than a handful of chocolate-coated almonds. I'm riddled with anxiety. I wish I could make this feeling go away. I don't want to take anxiolytics. There must be a way to ease my anxiety besides popping a pill. I'm desperate. I don't know what to do.

I hope I can find someone who understands and who will not judge me. I feel bad about this. I feel guilty about not being able to earn enough to provide for my family. I am the breadwinner. There are people relying on me and yet I can't work! There's just too much anxiety. I don't know what to do. Sometimes, I feel like killing myself so I can stop feeling depressed and scared, but I'm still sane enough to know that suicide is wrong. Suicide is never the solution to anything, but it's tempting.

People think I'm a drama queen, so now, I don't tell anyone about the way I feel. I can't tell my uncle who can help me financially lest he might think that I'm just manipulating him into giving me money. My best friend might be too tired to listen to me talk about my psychological and emotional issues. Besides, she has her own concerns and problems to deal with. I feel so alone. I don't know what to do. I can't tell anyone about the way I feel. They might think I'm just faking it. I feel like bursting into tears sometimes, but I don't want my sister to see me cry. (We share a room.) I don't want her to worry.

Dear God, please make this stop. I don't know what to do. Please help me. I am desperate.
An Ep User An EP User
2 Responses Jan 8, 2013

Thanks for sharing your story. I will be praying for you. As the others have said find some happiness in the day even if it is just feeling the sun shine on your face or just visiting this site. Whatever it is remember this (that one thing) made me happy. Whatever makes you happy go back there every day. Eventually you will find more things that will make you happy.

Please be encouraged.

thank for sharing.....the more i read here on the site the more i find alot of people suffering hard....i do feel less alone reading all your stories but as someone mentioned earlier, i am still the one upstairs in my head ...the one who has to work and get things done with no ambition, no desire.....sleep does relief alot of these feelings i find. and like yourself i am over medicated by a psychiatrist...although i dont blame her...i have Clinical depression and need something to at least give me a tiny boost up....just switched meds today....round 2...hope this one works better for me.....i was on the other a year and it just faded out ...or i faded out...cant be sure sometimes

anyways you have no name listed ...just ep user.....just thought id say hi and share a tiny many of us...keep pushing and look for every little moment in your day you can laugh or appreciate...not that it has been working for me haha

there are sooo many things i can be "doing" to supposedly get out of this mood....just cant find the desire to do them or to care about doing them some days....although i must admit there is alot of good info on thweb to get OUT of these heavy heavy moods....just hard to implement ...ok im just babbling.....thanjks for sharing your sounds tough and amny many people seem to understand how attractive suicide can appear....but we mostly know that if we keep getting up and pushing that we may find some happy little place INSIDE of us...??? that's my only goal right now....some peace...and i wish you the same