Desperate And AnxiousI haven't written here for quite some time now. I have been depressed these past few weeks. I think I'm entering my manic phase. I feel better. Yesterday, I didn't eat lunch and I felt as if I were drunk. My aunt sent us some goodies from the US and I found myself gorging on chocolate covered almonds, which is bad because I have been putting on a lot of weight lately. I would like to be able to discipline myself. I hope I can find out what makes me tick. It's as if something else controls me now. I can't think straight anymore. It's a struggle for me to focus.
I don't want to identify with my disorders. I want to stop being "the person who has ADD and bipolar disorder." I hope I can overcome my weaknesses and my disorders. I don't want them to hinder me from achieving my goals. I earn my keep by writing, and I often find myself anxious and unable to write. I don't know what to do. I'm often paralyzed by fear. Sometimes, I end up doing unimportant things like watching YouTube videos and playing games.
Sometimes, I feel like a loser. I wish I could talk to somebody who could understand what I'm going through. It's doubly difficult because there are people who depend on me. I have to earn, but I can't seem to discipline myself. I need help, but I don't know where to get it. I don't have enough money to pay for therapy and we don't have a psychiatrist in our province who is competent enough to treat these types of conditions. I used to go to a psychiatrist, but all she does is prescribe meds. I may be over-medicating. I don't want to depend on pills for my well-being. I don't know what to do. It's incredibly frustrating.
I just want to be able to concentrate on my work without being bothered by my emotions. Sometimes, I get so stressed out that I end up eating. I just ate more than a handful of chocolate-coated almonds. I'm riddled with anxiety. I wish I could make this feeling go away. I don't want to take anxiolytics. There must be a way to ease my anxiety besides popping a pill. I'm desperate. I don't know what to do.
I hope I can find someone who understands and who will not judge me. I feel bad about this. I feel guilty about not being able to earn enough to provide for my family. I am the breadwinner. There are people relying on me and yet I can't work! There's just too much anxiety. I don't know what to do. Sometimes, I feel like killing myself so I can stop feeling depressed and scared, but I'm still sane enough to know that suicide is wrong. Suicide is never the solution to anything, but it's tempting.
People think I'm a drama queen, so now, I don't tell anyone about the way I feel. I can't tell my uncle who can help me financially lest he might think that I'm just manipulating him into giving me money. My best friend might be too tired to listen to me talk about my psychological and emotional issues. Besides, she has her own concerns and problems to deal with. I feel so alone. I don't know what to do. I can't tell anyone about the way I feel. They might think I'm just faking it. I feel like bursting into tears sometimes, but I don't want my sister to see me cry. (We share a room.) I don't want her to worry.
Dear God, please make this stop. I don't know what to do. Please help me. I am desperate.
An EP User 2 Responses 1 Jan 8, 2013