I'm Alone In This. And That Is The Most Painful Thing I Can Imagine.

I've been struggling with depression an anxiety for almost as long as I can remember. I'm 15, but I remember being depressed since I was 10 or 11. Recently though, it's gotten much worse. I've become withdrawn, antisocial, and anemic. I was hospitalized a month and a half ago for six days, but it didn't do much; if anything, it made the depression worse. I haven't told any of my friends that I'm depressed, and all of them think that I was sick for those six days. I don't feel like I have any friends that I can trust. I feel so alone.
My parents have known that I'm depressed for the last six months or so. They are probably the most frustrating part of this whole ordeal. They alternate between being overly sympathetic and being almost entirely unsympathetic. For example, my mom always tells me to tell her how I feel. However, when I do, she either just says "It'll get better" or she tells me that I'm not doing enough to change the way I feel and that I should push myself harder. When she says either of these things, it makes me want to punch a hole in a wall. I wish that I could control how I feel! Is that not obvious? When she says stuff like it makes me feel like she thinks that I want to be depressed.
I've been pretty depressed for the last few days because I desperately want to switch high schools. Until a few days ago, I thought it would be possible. I was wrong. Its impossible for me to go to the other schools. That really made me feel hopeless and exhausted, so for the past few days I haven't been talking much and I'm pretty much up in my room most of the time, doing homework and listening to music to calm myself down.
Just a few hours ago, my parents crossed a line. The one thing that I've been able to focus on that cheers me up when I feel down is my planned trip to a pre-college art program in Ireland this summer. I've worked so hard for it. I have over $2,000 saved, and my parents were very supportive of the idea. Until tonight. Out of the blue, they said that they weren't going to let me go to Ireland this summer if I was still so depressed. Maybe I'm not seeing it correctly because I'm furious, but that seems an awful lot like they're punishing me for something I have no control over. I tried I explain to them why I was angry, but they just yelled at me that I didn't understand what they were saying; they didn't even let me finish my sentence. I'm so angry I feel like I just want to scream into a pillow for hours. I'm angry at my parents, I'm angry at my friends, angry at this whole ******* world, but that doesn't even compare to how angry I am with myself. I'm pissed that I can't control how I feel. I'm pissed that I'm not a normal teenager and I'm angry that I won't open up to anyone. I'm just so tired.
Ccozz Ccozz
18-21
1 Response Jan 10, 2013

You are not alone. And it's good that you are smart enough to realize you have depression at such a young age. I am 38 and it took me years to figure it out....I just thought that's how life was...and high school can be the worst. Miserable. Your mother's attitude is typical of many "ordinary" people who have no clue of what it is like. You can't just get better. You can't. You need a doctor or better, a psychiatrist, to talk to and get treatment. There are many kinds of treatment and I have found that a combo of medication plus cognitive behavioural therapy helps a lot. You may find other ways. But you need to understand that depression is an illness. It is not your fault. I get really angry because no one would say to someone with cancer, "just get over it". Well mental illness is an ILLNESS. Please talk to someone. Is there anyone else like a priest or something you can talk to? Often they are very aware of these types of things. Good luck and don't give up yet :) Hopefully you can go on your summer trip and have a great time.