Behind This Mask

Everyday seems to get harder with every waking second. My heart is weak, and I just can't let go of the past.
My self esteem is extremely low. I don't think I'm pretty or skinny. I have only a couple friends, and most of the time I know they don't want me around.
This all started when I was young. I watched my dad waste away his life with alcohol. He is a narcissist, and he is a *****. When I was eleven, he looked me straight in the eyes and said, "You will never be good enough to be my daughter. You will never be good enough to be a bride someday. You will never be skinny enough, pretty enough, or smart enough. So why do you keep trying? Just ******* end it you worthless piece of ****."
Those words echo through my head every day... During my seventh through ninth grade year, I resorted to online dating and other ****. All these guys used me for texts, phone calls, pics, video chats, and so much more. I just wanted to be told I was pretty... I wanted to replace the love I was missing.. All i got was tears every night and worse self esteem. I had many times had the bottle of pills open ready to swallow and a gun to my head many times.. I am so thankful for my pride. I have so much that i can't leave this world without respect.
I did finally stop, but it was my sophomore year when i let myself lose my innocence to a 19 year old who had a girlfriend that I did not know about. I loved him and I can say that because we were good friends for a long time. He had promised me we would be together and be happy. He didn't talk to me for months. I was distraught. I wanted to go back to what I used to do. I started getting night terrors every night. I had to call up one of my best friends to just feel a little at ease. I still get them every night.. and i still cry every night.
I am still very depressed and I want to be better. Its just taking the steps to get there thats hard. I have a lot of good days now and i am going to beat this depression. i won't let it ruin me. I am just so thankful for my best friends. They get me through everything. Thank you.
thegreenorange23 thegreenorange23
18-21, F
1 Response Jan 10, 2013

I agree 100% with TheCrimsonGuard. Healthy, ordinary parents do not speak that way to their children.Ever.