Trying To Be Okay...

Its hard to admit that you're depressed if you have been "the fixer-upper" almost all your life. I have been the peace keeper, the neutral, the mediator, the friend who listens and carries the world in her hands. I have been trying to fix things that had gone wrong ever since I could remember I had friends. Trying to stop fights and getting apologies out. Getting broken-up couples to get back together or at least get closure. Or turning a problem into what seems to be a blessing.

When I was in college, I had my fair share of friends turning their backs on me, ganging up on me, and being a loner. My mom didn't think well of most of my friends, she thinks some of them were just using me. I had a couple friends who got pregnant in our teenage years, and I helped them through it. When my sister got pregnant out of wedlock, I helped my mom see the brighter side of it all with me passing my Nurse Licensure exam and my sister's wedding, and eventually the birth of a beautiful baby boy.

When my dad and I had to move ahead of the family to another country, I had the need to adapt and learn another culture. Working as a nurse, I get to help people get better. I got to listen to people who need help. I started feeling lonely and alone, but I knew it was just a feeling I had to shrug off. A year later, when the rest of the family followed, I felt a lot better and comforted.

I thought I wasn't depressed, I had my bouts of sadness, but everything was still pretty much okay. I felt dissatisfied with my job, so I quit. Got another job, and another, and another... Everything wasn't okay. My brother was just diagnosed with ASD, and the whole family had to cope with it. I had the hardest time coping cause I had to deal with him most of the time. I had a new job, and my supervisor wasn't a, I should say, a "people person", and she made my working hours a living hell. I couldn't stand it any longer, so I decided to quit my job, again. So everything wasn't fine, everything was falling apart. I didn't have a job, we were coping with my brother, and I was an emotional wreck.

I just felt so alone. I felt so broken and confused. I felt useless. If only I could disappear. I didn't want to die or kill myself because I can never ever hurt my family by making them grieve. I just wanted to disappear, like I was never here, like I never existed.

It was very difficult to admit that something was wrong. For years, I have been the one fixing, making things better. My job needed me to help people get better, and here I was, the one in need to get better. It was difficult to say that something was wrong, and off about me. But I wanted everything to be okay, so I asked for help.

My mom and I talked to a Psychologist and Psychiatrist, and I was diagnosed to have major depressive disorder. Now, the problem is having my dad accept that depression is a real thing and that it is an illness.

But I'm taking it a day at a time, I started taking meds to help me. And I plan to see my therapist again soon. So I think everything will be okay.
lonelydinosaur lonelydinosaur
26-30, F
2 Responses Jan 12, 2013

Depression is so hard, I wish more people took it seriously. Glad you are getting help.

Thanks. I am also glad I got help, otherwise, I'd still feel like dead-end for me and not doing anything about it. But I do wish people could understand what depression really is, and not just the overrated thought of what it is.

So do I. I hate how even describing it to a counsellor or doctor can be exhausting.

I know, I thought it would be easier.. but people don't really get it until they go through it themselves.

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